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July 25, 2005 – Getting my heart, I mean port cut out.

Today wasn’t a good day. Nothing started off right. It doesn’t seem like anyone seems to understand what it’s like to have cancer, and don’t sit there and tell me about oh your friend or your grandparents or this or that. Face it, you don’t know shit about cancer until you have had it. You don’t know that person feels or thinks. So why would a doctor who has never seen me, who isn’t even my treating physician say that after treatment I should just “bounce right back.” I called my oncologist’s office and I’m going to see them tomorrow to get this crap straightened out, because I am not happy. I’ve made several calls there about my depression, then this other bozo doctor takes my chart and goes and does this, that’s not right. Causing my Disability claim to be denied, and when I talked with the lady at the SSA about it, she was telling me about how she’s had friends who have had breast cancer and this and that and talking like it’s no big deal. Well I’d like to see her get it, then tell me if getting your breast cut off is no big deal, and living with chronic pain, and daily inflammation and swelling in your arm is no big deal. My bones and muscles ache so bad I feel like I have been playing soccer and have bruises on my shins. My back hurts to sit, stand or lay. There is the constant fatigue, insomnia, “chemo-brain” and the inability to concentrate I live with. There are days I can’t even spell things like my name, fifteen, or remember my daughter’s own name, let alone the address and phone number I am at. There are a lot of these side effects that I will have to learn to live with for the rest of my life, and some that will take up to a year for me to overcome before going back to my normal life. But even though I have dealt with the cancer portion of this, from the time I found the lump in January till now for 6 months, and I am on chemotheraphy agents for life, and will deal with lymphedema for life, they do not think this will affect the next 6 months of my life to “deem” me disabled. And here I am still going through active treatment, and haven’t even begun reconstruction. What freaken idiots. All I can say is appeal, and if that doesn’t work then I say lawyer - 1 for Social Security and 1 for the 2 idiot doctors who put me in this condition, because I’d really like to take them for all they're worth. The man that screwed up my hand/wrist and left my fingers with no feeling when he preformed carpal tunnel surgery on me in 12/03, and the man that told me I had to have a radical mastectomy and took my chest wall and all 16 of my lymph nodes, when it was ALL unnecessary.
If that wasn’t upsetting enough, I had to go see the “Fresh Surgeon” today. This time she didn’t get fresh with my mom, she must have just had a thing for Ruben. But I’ll tell you what, 2 shots of lidocaine, and it still freaken hurt like hell. If I would have gritted my teeth any harder I would have broke them. And this was after taking 2 xanax and 2 percocets before going. I saw that sucker sitting on the table, it was huge, bigger than a nickel with a thin tube about 6 inches long. Yes, I wrapped it in gauze and took it, it was mine. It’s for my scrapbook! I don’t know how many stitches I have, because I didn’t look. All I know is how much it hurt. Never again… least I hope!

Oh, but I did learn one fabulous fact while I was at the doctor today. I lost 11 lbs. in 25 days. That's a total of 22 lbs in 3 1/2 months, and I am back below my pre-pregnancy weight

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