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July 10, 2005 - Have you ever felt desolate?

Like no one REALLY knows you? Like no one REALLY understands you, what you feel, or what you are going through? Like no one REALLY even cares?
Sure, I have some family that cares and all, but how much do they REALLY understand? For some reason I feel like I have all the sudden entered this downward spiral and I don’t know why. I wasn’t like this before chemo, I was strong and confident. Hell, even my diagnosis couldn’t break me. So what’s my problem now? I believe depression is all a state of mind, it’s all mind over matter. Like when I was pregnant, I didn’t have morning sickness because I told myself that if I thought I felt sick of course I was going to be sick. So if I believe depression is all in your head (or my head) then what’s so wrong with mine now? Don’t get me wrong here people I am in no way trying to be a Tom Cruise, okay. Some things work for some people and some things don’t. I have tried various anti-depressants in the past and after several months it left me in worse shape than when I started (for example I had been taking them for a while because the doctor thought I needed them, and I think it was right around 2/04 I just about had a nervous breakdown because Sex & The City ended. I cried hysterically. It was then I knew I went from a case of maybe mild depression to God only knows what. I quit taking them, and within a week I was fine.) So don’t get me wrong, I am not trying to be judgmental, or tell you to up your meds or stop your meds. I believe that no one knows your own body better than yourself, so you should know what you need to do with your own medication. My problem is that my body and mind are sending me mixed signals. Am I depressed, homesick, is it from not having any hormones, or a side effect from the different medications I’m on? Well, here’s a list of my “symptoms” maybe you can tell me (remember I have no hormones): stressed, acne, pissed off, impatient, irritable, aggravated, sensitive, tired all the time, grouchy, moody, frustrated, enraged, feeling hurt (from my friends not wanting to spend time with me) , I cry more than before, exhausted, I have problems going to bed, staying asleep, and waking up, I have problems concentrating, remembering, and speaking or writing (but I think this is from chemo brain), I don’t really want to talk to people, yet at the same time I do, I want to be left alone, overall a decrease in appetite, except when I’m upset I may binge eat, It seems like all I ever do is fight with people, I’ve noticed over the last few days a weird almost “loss of motor skills if you would” my hands and fingers have become very shaking where I’ve had problems trying to type and use the mouse – I don’t know what is causing this and it freaks me out, it makes me think of Ozzy Ozbourne, to see my hands shake like this. I just think how am I going to get up every morning and take a little girl to school in what 6 weeks, when I can’t even get up tomorrow on time to go to the dealership and take my car in for service for the 5th time? It’s sad that it’s been almost 2 months since I finished chemo, and I still haven’t made the transition back to a normal, regular life.


LoraLoo said...

Hey, besides all the crap you've been through and going through - your body is still trying to figure out what the hell is going on. You had a hysterectomy and went straight into treatment for cancer... the first is a serious blow to the body, only piled on with something more traumatic. Have you talked to the doctor? I'm not encouraging you to take meds you may not want, but at least he can help confirm what's going on? I know you know this, but it's always good to hear - Natalie needs you to be healthy, strong and HAPPY. :)

LoraLoo said...

PS - hang in there. Remember - the worst part is over! You're cancer free, and on the road back! Before you know it you'll be home with hubby and Natalie, and this will all be a DISTANT MEMORY. :)