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January 6, 2005 - Loss 4 and no more.

We went to the hospital today. The 3 of us (me, my husband, and my daughter) sat there in that small dark room while the lady did my ultrasound. I could tell that something was terribly wrong. I couldn't see the baby's heartbeat. The tech went to get the radiologist. After searching for nearly and hour, they concluded what I already knew to be true. My baby's heart had stopped beating. This was my 4th miscarriage. I sat on the table and cried. I really thought this was going to be it. We weren't even trying this time. I don't understand why this always happens to me, why I can't give my husband a son, or why I can't give my daughter a little brother or sister. If I can't understand it at 30, how can I expect a 5 year old to understand it and accept it? Now that we know, we went ahead and made plans for a D&C to be done on the 13th and a full hysterectomy to follow soon after, because if I don't have it removed, I will always want to try and I cannot bear another loss.
You know the saying - somedays you're the pigeon and somedays you're statue. Guess which one I am today?

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