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Embrace Life

Another digital layout I did this afternoon while Ruben, Natalie, Cecy & Mario went to the racetrack. Since I am still healing, and just coming out of the "sleep through it all" phase, I can only do so much. So working on my laptop between naps was all I could do. So lo and behold, my newest digi-scrap layout.

What do you think? Definitely a step above my last digital layout, right? A bit more practice and I should be able to crank layout's like these out in half the time I am doing now.


Just a quick hello before I go

It's 3am and quite warm and humid outside. I've been up for the last 45 minutes as sometimes your internal clock just sucks, and the dog has to go out at the worst times. In about 15 minutes I've got to wake Natalie and Ruben so we can all start getting ready, as we've got to be at the hospital at 5am. I'm so thirsty, which sucks cause now I can't drink anything. Soon I'll be hungry as well as I don't think my surgery is actually set to begin till 7am. Fun!
Well wish me luck. I should be back in a few days, maybe earlier if I am up to it - but with drain tubes coming out both sides I'm doubting I will be!


So much to post about today....

First off - my new look! I'm still tweaking it some (the layout, colors, etc.) BUT Melissa made time in her SUPER busy schedule to squeeze in the task of making a banner for my site. How do you like it? I SOOOOO LOVE IT! I'm all about the pink, black, distressed, grunge, tattoo look - so this banner fits me to a tee! However it did not fit my previous layout, so the tweaking began and probably will continue till I feel as though I have the colors "just right."

I'm also sure you've noticed a change in names. Hope, Strength, Courage was more for my days when I was going through chemo. Now that I am in the reconstruction phase, I'm Reconstructing Life and all that is in it - more of a trying to put the pieces back together, and slowly I am getting there. It's for sure that I am having surgery on Tuesday, just don't know what time I have to be at the hospital yet. And I'm still not sure what all is being done, but it will be a day surgery and he will be performing surgery on both sides - so wish me luck!
Oh, and of all the times, we will be having visitors just days after my surgery - but I wouldn't miss it for the world! It's Natalie's godmother Cecy & her hubby Mario. They will be stopping here, among many places, as they vacation from California! It will be great to see them, and if I'm not up to it, Ruben can still take them around town while I rest.

We spent most of the day Saturday at the SuperDome for Monster Jam. Even though I paid an insanely ridiculous amount for the tickets (cause we didn't buy them early and I was forced to use - so the mark up was nearly 4 times the amount of the original price!) it was still worth the price we overpaid. We had awesome seats, that were at the perfect level. Just wish the people sitting behind us had been as nice as the seats! You know how you cheer and yell when one of the trucks crash, or for your favorite truck? Well this girl had this scream that made you turn around each time, and the more she did it the more you just wanted to punch her! She had this scream like something was wrong, like she was being attacked - not cheering on a Monster Truck Rally. It became so overwhelmingly annoying that I had to shove paper towels in both Natalie's ears and mine! You'd think that would be a clue for her to maybe tone it down some - that maybe her parents should have said something to her. But no, she continued to scream till my eardrums bled!
But other than annoying people in the stands, it was a very awesome event that sold out. There were lots of good crashes, wheels & body parts flying off, air time and destruction - not to mention lots of souvenirs, hot dogs, nachos, pretzels, nuts, fries, and drinks. All your basic stadium junk food! But that's all part of the experience - and we learned that Natalie is a Digger Girl. We didn't even mention truck preferences, or our personal faves - she just decided on her own out of nowhere that SHE liked GraveDigger. It's kind of funny, cause I thought she'd like Monster Mutt after seeing it, but nope - as she said, not impressive! LOL! The things kids say! She had a great time, but was TIRED by night's end. We didn't get home till nearly midnight. There was one idiot and his car full of friends that though he'd stand in front of Ruben's truck to stop him so his friend could forcibly back out of the packed parking garage. Dude so not cool. If you're nice about something, then no biggie being nice and doing the right thing - but if you're an ass, don't count on getting you're way, not with us. Ruben pulled right up against him, leaving his friends no room to back out. The guy got all mouthy - obviously some boys who had too much to drink at the event. Words were exchanged, but they didn't get out in front of us. Idiots. It's a shame that events like this bring them out by the dozen!

Anyway, I posted 400 photos from the event over on Flickr. Got some really great ones. Hell we had 3 cameras with us! Below are some of us, hope you enjoy them!

Oh YAY!!! Spell check is working again!!!


Slowly Re-Leaning Digi-Scrap

Tried my hand at Digi-Scrapping today. Wasn't as easy as I pictured it. Guess it would help if I knew ANY of my Photoshop Programs better. After all I do have PSE 4.0, 5.0, & 6.0. Adobe Photoshop 7.0 (Professional version) and CS2. I know bits and pieces of each program, but each are different. I can't wait till March when my Photoshop class begins. I'm taking PSE 5.0, which kind of upset me cause why am I not being taught the newest version? And why PSE instead of CS2 (or 3)? I mean really, since I feel this overwhelming need and desrie to have the newest and best technology (thanks to my hubby!), it will only be a matter of time till I add CS3 to my library. In any case I REALLY hope that the class is worth it and I learn a lot, cause right now things just really weren't working the way I would like! And the stupid cheap ass Digi-Scrap program I bought on my birthday is just stupid! It did not recognize ANY of the Digi-Scrap freebies I downloaded from 2Peas. What a waste of $! My sister wants copies of what I have that she doesn't, but that one's not even worth the disc it would be burned on.

Anyway, here is my creation. I know, very amateur. Hopefully soon I will be dazzling you!


Back Under the Knife

Don't know all the details yet, but it looks like I will be heading back into surgery next week on the 26th. I have some alignment issues with the left side - plus I need my current expanders swapped out for larger ones. I also need bigger pockets made to hold the breast, and at some point I will have some tissue and/or muscle added as the largest size implants are only 85o cc's. I'm currently a little over 700 on each side, the bigger one being my right which perfectly fits a C cup - and since I am aiming for much bigger boobs, I will need a little more than the implants to get me there. You see most women who get implants already have some breast tissue to build upon, but I have none, plus my implants will be placed below the muscle, which tends to take away from the size just a bit. I'm not sure what all he's planning on doing this time around, or what time I go in for the procedure - just that it's next Tuesday and will be at Oschner of the few hospitals I really like. I will be sure to update once I know more!


Game Room Redone

Every since the Game Room TV crapped out on us, we had to purchase a new TV which ended up being a 61" Panasonic that ended up replacing the one in the Living Room, a 57" Mitsubishi, which has since become the Game Room TV. Originally the Game Room had a 48" RCA HD Widescreen that was about 5 years old. With the new TV in there, Ruben has been all about organizing the game area - making a place to display all of our guitars from either Guitar Hero (we have 2 for the GHIII on Wii, 2 for GHII/GHIII on the XBox 360) or Rockband (we currently have 1, but are looking for another - in fact we thought we found one, but it ended up being the wrong platform.) So anyway, Ruben is all proud of himself and his display - you'd think he was an actual musician. Which is funny cause we've talked about getting a real guitar, that's how much we are enjoying the games, and Natalie says she'd like one. That's my lil girl!

Now while he did a great job with the room, I'll be more excited when he finishes my dining room, or even remodeling the bathrooms!

New Glasses

Normally I'm a contact wearer - my eyes are very sensitive to the sun. But still, when I go into surgery I must wear my glasses. Since I just recently had my eyes checked, and got a Torric lense Rx for mr right eye, I had to get some new glasses. Since I can't stand wearing them, I went with the cheap 2 for $99 deal at Eyemasters. They have plastic lenses, and are "no thrills" - but for the price you can afford more if lost or scratched. I'm very happy with the frames for being so inexpensive.

So what do you think? I went with 2 different frames, so the looks would be a little different. The first are close rimmed, the second are open rimmed.


We're Going to Monster Jam!

It's been approximately 5 years since we (Ruben & I) have been to see Monster Jam. When we lived in Vegas we went on 3 different occasions, the last was with my friend Sonia, her husband Josh, and his two younger brothers. Natalie's never been to see one, as we always thought she was too young - and it would be too loud. But at 8 we feel that she is old enough, and that it, along with the Pit Party it would be something she would really enjoy as she is such a tomboy and Daddy's Girl.

The even is being held inside the Super Dome, which should be interesting! I've never seen it in an indoors venue. I'm sure it will be VERY loud - and the fumes will be something that gets even those of us with good seats high as a kite!

I can't wait until the 23rd for it! It's been 2 years since it was last here, and it seems that the good seats went pretty quickly. I ended up having to buy our seats on The only seats I could find available through Ticket Master were those up in the nosebleed section! So needless to say our seats cost us a pretty penny, but it will be worth it!

Here's a picture of a picture from the last time Ruben & I went in '03 with our friends. It's not the best, but I didn't want to scan it in. Good friends and good times. I miss moments like these!

Have you heard?

The Writer's Strike IS FINALLY OVER!

About damn time. Only thing is that most - IF not ALL shows are airing their Season Finale episodes right about now.

Ah, but at least there will be a next season! Thank goodness!


2nd ATC

Decided to make a 2nd artist trading card for my DRS swap "Breast Cancer Awareness" theme. I was so torn between a likeness of this I found from something I received when I did the Race For The Cure, and the sketch I did on ATC #1. You tell me, which do you think is better?

Can you help with the fight against Diabetes?

My daughter is trying to raise money for the American Diabetes Association, and I have vowed to help her get her message out there!

She will be participating in her School's Walk for Diabetes, a fund raiser that teaches kids about getting exercise and eating good-for-you foods.

The money raised doesn't just go on to for research and development - it also allows the school to get new physical education equipment and medical supplies.

Did you know that more than 20 million people have diabetes and more than 6 million of them don't even know that they have it? That number includes many kids like her.

You can help her by making a donation online at her personal Web page.

Every dollar her team raises will be used to prevent and cure diabetes and to improve the lives of all people affected by diabetes.

The amount of the donation does not mater - big or small it counts! Please help her reach her goal!

Donations online MUST be made BY Wednesday, Febraury 20th - the walk is scheduled for the 22nd. So there isn't much time to raise money and help. Please hurry!


Have you seen this?

I'm curious has anyone has ever seen this tattoo before?

I know there is at least one duplicate existing in Las Vegas, where I got it at back in 1997. Although I do believe the shop is long gone now (it had been on Spring Mountain Road prior to the evolution that has become China Town.)

As much as I would love more tats, Ruben says absolutely not. I have 5: a rose on my R shoulder, a rose on my L ankle, a band of roses around my R ankle, a custom tribal band around my R arm, and this piece shown here on my L shoulder.
I was interested in getting a skull/heart/wing tattoo on the back of my neck, but he doesn't like the idea. I'm also interested in getting a small nose piercing too, but he doesn't like that idea either. He won't let my wild streak shine through. No more purple highlights in my hair (or any other odd color for the matter!), no more piercings of the tongue, eyebrow, belly button or nose. So my last resort is possibly re-doing this tattoo, and have it designed into something else. I was hoping for something like a deserted island with a palm tree, and something other than a frog sitting below it. Of course I have to find an artist that CAN do it, and make it look good - which may not be an easy task....and then once I find someone I have to sell Ruben on letting me do it. He thinks I am going through all these "urges" cause my youth is slipping away - I just turned 34! But I've always been a wild child. It just so happens I married a straight laced man who has never smoked, doesn't have tats, and has never had a piercing. Go figure. Guess opposites do attract.

But you're probably wondering why a frog when I have practically a rose garden. It was one of those drunken stupors. Went with a friend to get Calvin & Hobbes or Snoopy & Woodstock. When we couldn't find those, I jokingly said well what about this - pointing to a drawing on the wall next to me. I figured it fitting, since at that time Bud was big on promoting the frogs in their adds. Next thing I know we both walked out with frogs.

I think of all my tats, my favorite piece is my tribal armband. I got it just days before Ruben and I went on our big, first "real" date - we were both so nervous we had another couple, Lora & Karl escort us. That was on 2/27/99, almost 9 years ago. We had gone out before as friends, lots - and flirted for about 6 to 9 months - but that was the day I let my walls come down and gave my heart to him. Maybe that's why this tribal is so special to me, cause I associate it with that day.
The roses you may ask, why so many. To be truthful each one is special in it's own way - all picked out by people who are gone now. But the weird thing is I'm not a "huge" rose person, I actually LOVE tulips, weird huh?

I see spell check is still not working! Surprise, surprise, argh!!!


Looks like I may be heading back under the knife:

Went to see my surgeon today for another injection of saline. It seems that during all this time of trying to "push" my left expander downward and to the left has failed. Instead it has somehow shifted more to my right. Since I don't want a uni-boob and my surgeon wants to avoid that at all costs, depending on how my next visit is, he may have to schedule me for a day surgery, so he can make a pocket and place that expander where it should be. We also discussed why that side has been hurting me so much. It's mostly caused by the expander pushing against fresh scar tissue, in an effort to stretch the skin - the rest is just growing pains. I think that when he takes me back in, he plans to remove this area of dead hard tissue I have, that is near my original incision site. We also discussed how much saline I currently have in my expanders. According to his calculations they are both over 700, my left neing smaller than my right. He says that my right is currently at a size D, but for some reason it does not even look close to what I had imagined! I guess when it doesn't droop from pregnancies it just doesn't seem the same. I think I am really sold now on a DD, as I had envisioned bigger breasts. He wants to make sure that these expanders can hold that much without a problem. He mentioned before that they can go to 1000, but idealy they hold about 750 cc's. I hope that they can withstand at least one more good injection - I mean since I can't have my original breasts, then I want to make sure that I have exactly what I want - cause once this is done, there's no going back - and they're not like real breast that go up and down whenever you gain or lose weight. So I just want to make sure that I am 100% happy with them. I think that after nearly 3 years of what I've gone through I deserve at least that. He didn't really push a whole lot in the left side this visit, so while it may hurt now, it hopefully won't hurt me all week like the last injection did. Wish me luck!


Spell Check

I'm just curious if anyone else using Blogger is experiencing problems using their spell check?

For quite some time now (probably this whole month.) I have been unable to use spell check and it's really begun to tick me off. As I'm sure you've read there are many times I make spelling errors, cause some nights I type in the dark with just a small night stand type light on. It's hard to see these little keys on the laptop when dark. I think that they should light up like the DVD function keys do.

Anyway, if you are having problems, let me know. I'd like to know if it has happened to others, or if this is just a "me" only problem. LOL.

Also, it seems I will be spending some more time in my scrap studio finishing the organization of it all. I still have mountains of stickers, stamps, and emblies that I have to find a way to organize. I also need to check the sewing machines to make sure they both survived the move and work. I have tons of "in progress" pix I took, that I will post once the room is really in working order. That way I can just post them all at once. But I noticed yesterday that I have an abundance of space, which don't get me wrong, is wonderful - it's just the whole where do I put stuff cause I have so many places and so much room for it all. And if that's not enough, just wait until I actually go through ALL my stamps, paper, and sticker. I have SO many duplicates that I will have to unload some either by ebay or RAK's (random acts of kindness - for those of you that don't scrap.)
Yeah I know, the thought of me and random acts of kindness doesn't sound quite right, but hey, hate to break it to ya, but I can't quite possibly be a bitch 365 days a year - gotta be nice some of the time!
But I'm super excited that finally after months of procrastination, I was able to get most of the work done with the help of my wonderful hubby.....and now he knows far more than he's ever wished about scrapbooking. But now he's helped all he could, the rest is up to me, cause otherwise he might just throw the shit out - but then again he also got a real good feel for approximately how much money has went into that room supply wise, in the form of paper, stickers, punches and stamps. And in an off moment, while taking a break, I caught him using some of my punches to see the shapes they make on paper. It was so funny. He quickly tore up the paper once I caught on to what he was doing. He wanted to get rid of any evidence of him playing with "girlie stuff."
But it's going to take me a lot of motivation to get my ass in there and finish the job, and with Ruben being at work and Natalie being off at school, it will both be an easy and hard task to accomplish. But then again, I'm not scheduled to get any injections this week either. I'm still trying to decide if I should call my surgeon's office and ask to do it this week (or find out if this week was off because he's out of the office.) I also have an appointment on Friday with my pain management doctor. Nothing big, just my monthly visit. I want to go over all my meds with him so I don't have to fear a lethal combination ala Heath Ledger. The visit is also part of the reason I want injections this week - so he can see me in pain, cause these meds while they handle my regular pain, they do ablsolutely nothing to even remotely touch the pain I get the first week after an injection. And that pain is only going to get worse from here on out, as the bigger my new boobs get, the more it will hurt. I don't know how many more injections I will have, but I'd say I'm about a small B not and I'm going to a full D/small DD. I mean hell, if you're going to do it, do it right and go big!. But that's just me - I'd look kind of funny with a DD chest but only weigh 100 lbs. Even when I was in high school I never was skinny, I was average - not skinny, but not fat. Playing softball for 2 years probably had a lot to do with that athletic build.
Of course considering that I've been up since 4am, maybe I should have gotten on the treadmill instead of doing this post. But also, if it's in my head and I don't get it out while it's there, I soon lose it and forget what it was I was ever planning on saying. That's got to be the worst side effect of chemo - inless it's ealry onset of Alzheimer's, which I hope to god it isn't!


Cleaning Day

Today the hubby and I are trying to organize my scrap studio (FINALLY!) so I can get to work on the 3 albums I'm making for his co-worker, and also start on my circle journal for my scrap group. It sucks, but needs to be done so I can use the sewing machine and know where my shit is - although I am not going through everything. Organizing the paper and stuff will have to come at a later date.

Anyway, the reason I took a break was to post this clip of Robot Chicken from Adult Swim. This is not a program Ruben or I watch. It is a program that comes on late nights on Cartoon Network, and Natalie is strickly forbidden to watch CN after certain hours. We happened upon the show Friday night after watching AI on the DVR. Luckily it happened to be a good episode. I laughed so effing hard. I can't beleive that Seth Green is the man behind this madness. It is definitely NSFW, but worth the view as you will laugh your ass off, so enjoy!


Artist Trading Cards

This is a first for me. I've never done ATC, just scrapbook. So I'm feeling a little uneasy about my 1st attempt.
The ATC's are for my DRS scrap group. The theme is Breat Cancer Awareness with a DRS twist. Please let me know your thoughts. I'm going with the one with pink ink, as the plain sketch had some issues with size.


Can't say that I'm impressed with Lipstick......

I caught the season premiere for Lipstick Jungle last night and I have to say that coming from Candace Bushnell, the woman who wrote Sex & the City, Lipstick Jungle just seems like a cheap imitation of the original. The only part I found to be interesting was the lady who was cheating on her husband, because the guy was half her age and hot as hell. Other than that, I found that both the men and the women were average. Not that the poeple in SATC were all beautiful, but for supposedly "high-powered" women, they didn't look it. And the biggest knock-off of all was Andrew McCarthy playing a billionaire. So Mr. Big. Uh. If the next episode doesn't greatly improve, I will be dropping it from my DVR schedule. Besides, Casmere Mafia is so far successfully filling the void left by SATC when they went off the air in 2003.
Below is a preview of last night's premiere. Watch for yourself and let me know what you think, especially if you did catch the episode last night.

Get it while it's fresh.......

Been so busy around here forgot to mention the little "gift" I found on the corner of our yard near the 2 way stop. (By the way this happened on Wednesday.)

I was heading out to go to the grocery store when I saw something near the corner of our yard. As I was already in the truck with the engine started, I decided I would just stop and look at it on my way out. I pulled out of the driveway, headed for the stop sign, looked down to find me a freshly squashed Armadillo. Lovely. Just what I wanted, some (most likely) rabid animal in our yard, so all the dogs in the 'hood could come eat away at it, get rabies and bite my daughter. Sounds fun doesn't it. I begged Ruben to pick it up and toss it in the trash, but he refused - didn't want it stinking up the can, plus the little girlie boy didn't want to touch it, even with gloves on.

So there it has sat, with the big black birds trying to pick at it and eat it. All for us to see. Fuuny thing is, is that it's not the first dead armadillo we've seen. I saw one one day on my way home from the store. I thought as soon as Natalie gets off the bus, we will drive up the road so she could see it. Only about 45 minutes had passed, but by time we got there it was gone. Disappointed we started the drive home when I saw another. We stopped and looked at it for a minute or two, since we're from Las Vegas and you don't see things like that back there. As we drove away, we also saw a Possum - to which Natalie said it had it's tounge hanging out, so it really must be dead, then down the road we also saw a dead Raccoon. I've never seen so many dead animals in my life! When I mentioned it to my neighbor, she asked me if I had seen an Alligator yet. I said no, thinking I'm not sure if I would want to either. Ruben has seen one on Highway 90 coming home from work, but Nina told me that occasionally you'll see one on Willowdale, which is the main road out of here. It makes sense as that area is nothing but trees and swampy, marsh-like areas. Ruben's friend Dave said it's a bit too chilly for them to be out just yet. I'm really hoping we don't run into one, as I would run it over!

But in the meantime Natalie is learning about some animals up close and personal. It's not like we'd be out looking at a live Raccoon, as those things are mean and dangerous. Although I do recall around Christmas-time, we had been driving around the block to look at lit houses and saw something run across the road that was NOT a cat or a dog. I was thinking it was a Possum (or Opossum as it's really spelled, but that just sounds weird!) Now I think it must have been an Armadillo living around her somewhere, that while out Tuesday night got flattened by someone coming around the corner.

Ah well, at least it's gone now. Ruben shoveled it up this morning as today was trash day. Thankfully I won't have to worry too much more about rabies, but if it hadn't been for that fear we may very well have touched it to see what it's shell felt like. Odd little creature, it even had a little hairy chin! LOL!

I hear stories all the time about the "country" folks living down here that pick up the fresh roadkill to make some stew. I'm glad to see none of them live around me!

Oh and my spell check STILL does not work. This is really pissing me off. Anyone else having problems with theirs?


The Results Are In......

By now you've all heard that they are claiming Heath Ledger's death was caused by accidental overdose, based on 6 drugs (common prescriptions) being found in his body.
The Press Release stated - The cause of death was "acute intoxication by the combined effects of oxycodone, hydrocodone, diazepam, temazepam, alprazolam and doxylamine".
I'm not sure if you are familiar with these names, as they are most commonly prescribed by brand name.
Oxycodone is a painkiller marketed as OxyContin and used in other painkillers such as Percodan and Percocet; hydrocodone is used in a number of painkillers, including Vicodin. Diazepam and alprazolam are the generic names for the anti-anxiety drugs Valium and Xanax, and the other two drugs are sleep aids commonly sold under the brands Restoril and Unisom.

I ask, does any of that sound lethal to you? I know if you down bottles, yeah it's a lethal combination. But if you're just taking it as prescribed, a second pill here or there isn't going to kill you. I bring this up because TMZ is reporting that the Feds want to know how Heath got his meds.
I don't quite understand what the issue is with that. People, I have a whole bag of meds, and with the exception of my cancer medication (femara), everything else is prescribed by a pain management doctor (although I should say if I still took depression medication, it would likely be overseen by a Psychiatrist) anyway, back to my meds (now keep in mind all these but the one listed above come from ONE doctor) Opana ER; Opana IR; Lyrica; Xanaflex; Trazodone; Xanax - so it's safe to say that I go to bed nightly with at least 6 prescriptions in my body.

Let's go over MY meds so you can understand what each one is for, or does.
OPANA ER is oxymorphone, which is a morphine-like opioid agonist and a Schedule II controlled substance. It is an Extended Release form which I only take twice daily. The OPANA IR is basically the same thing, except it is Immediate Release and used for break-through pain. I can take it up to 3 times a day.
LYRICA is for the management of
Fibromyalgia. It is also used to help manage nerve pain.
XANFLEX is a widely popular muscle relaxant, which I use in combination with one of my 2 pain meds, to take up to 3 times a day.
TRAZODONE is used for drug induced insomnia - the kind I suffered from for 3 years!
XANAX is used to treat bouts of anxiety, stress and panic attacks. I used to have HORRIBLE work related stress when I first began taking it. Then shortly after, when cancer came along I would get panic or anxiety attacks when preparing to see a doctor or going to have procedures, blood, or IV's done. I still get pretty high strung over the procedures and IV part, but it has reduced the anxiety greatly.
FEMARA is a once-daily convenient tablet for the adjuvant (following surgery) treatment of postmenopausal women with hormone receptor–positive early stage breast's kind of like a hormone blocker, and a small dose of chemo all in one little pill.

In any case, the case I am making is this, that some doctors - who know what they are doing and are qualified, do write multiple scripts for one patient. It's not an uncommon practice. How many times have you walked into a doctor's office for like a cold and walk out with 3 or 4 scripts - antibiotics, codeine cough syrup, asthma inhaler to help your wheezing, Monistat cause you know what those antibiotics will do. It's easy to do and not think twice about it.
I have both a verbal and written agreement with my doctor that I am not to take scripts from any other doctor (except my oncologist or to let him know when I need scripts that he cannot fulfill - like anti-depressants, antibiotics, etc) and I also cannot have my scripts filled anywhere but this one pharmacy. That way both the doctor and the pharmacist are familiar with what I take and what could cause a reaction. Taking my scripts as written is not going to kill me. I have a lot of faith and trust in my doctor - and besides, you know me. I question everything. I'm not afraid to speak my mind.

Also the article on TMZ goes on to state that TMZ spoke to three clinical psychiatrists today, all of whom said it would be "highly unusual" and "reckless" for one physician to prescribe this combination of meds, and suggested that more than one doctor would have to have been involved, or that Ledger could have obtained them by other means.
This is such a crock of shit. My same pain doctor, who writes 6 scripts for me a month, has in the past also given me Ambiem and Lunesta - both of which I still have as I never finished the meds as they didn't work for shit. So if I die someone's going to blow a gasket over what I have? Personally I think all this is bullshit. It's not journalism, it's sensationalism. They're making mountains out of mole holes. He probably had a backache (thus the masseuse) took two pain pills, decided he should go to bed, took his anxiety meds to clear his head so he could try to get some sleep, and took a sleeping pill - then somewhere along the way something natural probably happened. He snored, so he had sleep apnea. People with that disorder often stop breathing while asleep - that combined slower breathing (as a side effect from the meds) could have very well explained what went wrong. But somehow I feel like this has all been part of a cover-up conspiracy. Anytime a celeb dies, their autopsied come back "inconclusive", but somehow there are always some sort of drugs involved (even if just a few) and it just seems that they shove the blame on the drugs since they couldn't figure out what they really died from. I just can't believe how ignorant these doctors can be........(you'll have to forgive me right now, I'm not happy with doctors at the moment as the life of a newborn cousin was lost this week. He was delivered with the cord wrapped around his neck - you would think that an OB/GYN would have been better prepared and known what to do to prevent his airway from being blocked for too long. Sometimes life isn't fair.)........but anyway, as I was saying you just can't help but to feel as though you aren't getting the real story when it comes to Hollywood. It's tragic, the loss and the lies.


A newfound love & respect for Ellen

I'm not an Ellen watcher, but I think I might be now. Ruben recorded her Mardi Gras Special, which was titled as the Super Fat Tuesday show, as Mardi Gras falls on Fat Tuesday.

Not sure if you ever knew this, I know I didn't, but New Orleans is actually Ellen's hometown.......and not just that, but since Katrina, she has raised over $766,000 for Brad Pitt's Make it Right Foundation, which is helping to rebuild New Orleans by providing 150 energy efficient homes in the 9th District - the area which suffered the most hurricane damage.

Anway, after watching the show and learning all about the projects Ellen has participated in, in an effort to rebuild this city, neither Ruben or I could keep a dry eye. It's great to see people doing so much to help others HERE, in America - not off building schools in South Africa when there are plenty of schools here that were never re-opened!
So below is a clip from her show. Enjoy and check this out when you get a chance....she had the advert on the show, which is on the website and it is just so funny, you can't make shit like that up!

Blog Rating

You'll notice that I now have a blog rating on the sidebar to forewarn people that I am raw and uncensored. According to the website that rates your blog, this is what was found on mine:

This rating was determined based on the presence of the following words:

pain (156x) breast (120x) hurt (74x)
hell (67x) ass (35x) crap (27x)
death (26x) shit (23x) bitch (20x)
sex (17x) dead (13x) crack (9x)
crappy (8x) drugs (7x) sexy (6x)
suck (3x) bitches (2x) slap (1x)

Notice how it didn't pick up on my "F" bombs? In any case, I most certainly agree with my NC-17 rating!


Stupid Cupid

I'm participating in this round of circle journals with a group of girls I met online, the group being The Dirty Rotten Scrappers. Scrapper who want to scrap life's other events, not just birthdays, weddings, births or every day events. Stories that don't usually get told, like wild things you once did. So for Valentine's we decided to do Stupid Cupid - it's kind of like a Secret Santa but in February. Aside from buying crafty gifts under the $10 minimum, we also had to hand-make a Valentine's card, and ship the items out by today. I worked on my card Sunday after all the family issues I had. Sometimes crafts are just a great way of working things out, although I really got my aggression out playing Guitar Hero. Anyway, after making my card, I packaged up my gift and dreaded going to the post office. I wasn't planning on going on when Ruben reminded me that I can buy and print postage from USPS online. Thankfully I caught the mail carrier Monday and saved myself that trip! Although I posted some pictures on Flickr already, I hadn't had the chance to post about my works of art...LOL. So behold my creation. What do you think?

Damn, this spell check still ain't working! Um, HELLO Blogger dudes, fix this shit cause it's annoying!

I admit, I'm addicted!

The first step to recovery is admitting when you have a problem - Well mine began January 5th of this year. That would be the day Natalie had her birthday party, and while the gift had been bought before Christmas, it was one of those gifts that wasn't just for her.

First off let me just say that I didn't start it, Ruben did. He played for weeks before I was ever even curious. Then one day he told a story about a conversation that he and a co-worker had. It had me intrigued. I've always been the rocker - he wasn't even all that into rock music until he met me, and now his musical influence has inflicted itself upon me as well. So seeing that there was only one Guitar, and Wii doesn't sell individual guitars either, I ran off and bought a whole new Guitar Hero III, just so I could play too. Why should he get all the fun? I have to admit, that even on easy, mastering your first song is quite hard. I tried Barracuda about 7 times and we still never finished, yet some song I never even heard of I ran through in just one take. I have to give props to all them guitarists out there, they have mad skills, cause I can barely make 92% using just three fingers! I joked with Ruben that it's not funny for him to make fun of my "abilities" - I'm white, I have no rhythm. Guess that is why I BOMBED on Rockband. Oh I so thought I could rock the drums. I grew up with a brother who played drums half my life. I spent many nights baked in his garage listening to him play. I though talent might have run in the family, seeing that he's only had 3 lessons his whole life. Man was I WRONG. I sucked! First you gotta figure out color, then there's the bass - 4 drumheads and a pedal whopped my ass. But I can't keep time. What can I say, I'm also blonde underneath the red and the highlights.
But while I haven't given Rockband a second thought, I just may once the 2nd guitar gets here for that. Apparently it's not available for individual sale either, so Ruben bought one on Ebay, which is where we will be selling our extra copy of Guitar Hero III. We played tonight at my recommendation. Natalie wanted to try it, but gave up and complained when she saw how hard it was. Then she pouted cause it was her birthday present - that and Rockband, so we are like so the bad parents, LOL! So we quite for awhile to play Carnival Games, and they made me laugh so hard at something that I can't even recall at the moment, that soda came out my nose. My god, think about when that last happened to you. It was so not funny! but after playing a couple rounds, we (or I should say I) were like begging kids asking her, can we play now. She finally gave up on us and went to bed, which allowed us to officially "beat" the easy version. Now we must master our song list, so we can move up to medium and not get our asses handed to us. I was telling Ruben that at one point my wrist was hurting so bad I was starting to think that I might have to have Carpal Tunnel Release Surgery again. I can just see explaining to the doctors how after already having the procedure, my wrist got worse.....uh, I was, I, uh, it's from playing Guitar Hero. He'd think I was nuts. Just like I am for being up this late. Oh man I'll be asleep till 2! And tomorrow is Fat Tuesday, so Happy Freakin' Mardi Gras baby! I'm going to bed now.....and what the ef is up with the spell check, it hasn't worked my last 3 posts!


Not sure where to begin.......

Ever have those moments that are both filled with so much relief, yet so much anxiety? Something that feels so good to get off your chest, but still hurts so much! That even through the venting, pain and tears - you are still incredibly pissed off.

It's no secret that the last 19 months since my mother's death has been an uphill battle with my so called step-father. According to my husband he saw this one coming. I should have seen the signs too. She dies and before we know it, she's being sent out to be cremated - no goodbyes at the morgue, no autopsy (now I wonder why, could it have been something other than liver chirrosis?), no slightly more expensive funeral/viewing service - instead went with the cheap no body, picture & flowers kind (the ones he didn't even pay for - flowers & pic). Once her cremated body comes back, he gives the urn to my brother - not wanting to take a single ash with him, he split some of the ashes up between my other brother and I, then he got the fuck out of dodge - (see Lora, told you that I don't censor for anyone!). Since then he's pushed off resposibilities like helping to care for my mentally challenged brother - who when got cut off from Social Security, our piece of shit step dad made it impossible to help him financially. It was like pulling teeth. He said he would fly to Vegas to help him figure things out with SS, but showed up 4 months later AFTER I helped my brother determine what the issues where. Meantime my sister and I helped support him for about 3 or 4 months, and each time I told my stepdad about it, he bitched and complained that he couldn't afford it - all the while he's out drinking, smoking, traveling to Missouri, Canada, London & other places for 4 months. And now spending "winter" (approx. 3 mos.) in Mazatlan with some tramp - yet he's always complaining how broke he is. Must be NICE to be THAT broke! He rarily calls here, maybe every 2 or 3 months, and when we offered to BUY him a ticket to come visit for Mardi Gras (something he claimed he wanted to see) and see his granddaughter he DECLINED! I can't even begin to count how many nights she has cried over him, cause she loves and misses her grandpa so much. He didn't even call her for her birthday. The last time he called was at Christmas, and said the cards were in the mail, yet we haven't gotten a god damn thing. He called today and I asked him, didn't you get my message, he said no, I said the message about I don't want you calling here anymore. Obviously that call is what started all this, and he claims he called two weeks ago - I'd love to post my cell phone bill on here as proof, but I don't want all my readers knowing everyone's phone number! So anyway we are hoping that if we quit saying his name, that our daughter will just forget about him entirely. He's already broke my heart, that this is how I am treated after 17 years of marriage - that I am now the ugly red-headed step child that just gets pushed off to the corner. Well I'm tired of it. I won't allow for it to happen anymore. There's a will that supposedly everything is supposed to be split up evenly between the 6 kids (his 2, my mom's 4 - and I am to actually get my brother's share and be his "executor") yet his will states that his son Tom gets the house and the rest of us are to divide what is left. At the rate he is partying, there will be nothing left - besides, I really like how it is supposed to be equal, yet Tom get's the house. What a fucking dick. I remember when he fell 20 feet and landed on his head and how we all took care of him, and how worried my mom was that he might die - yet when she died he treated us all like shit. I don't even think that the man grieved. He may have actually been happy that she passed, happy cause he saw a way out. Now I can only think of two things, and neither are really good - but I am a firm beleiver in karma, and karma is gonna come back around and either drop him 20 feet onto his head and knock some sense into him - or - it's going to do major damage to his liver from all that partying and drinking he's been doing. Now that one there would be kind of ironic considering my mom died of liver failure and hadn't had a drink in at least 15 years!

I also wonder what the US government would think about the whole situation, drawing retired Navy pension, possible Social Security due to spousal death, not having a "real" US address, just a P.O. Box in TX. Hmm, I wonder if he's even filed any tax returns since my mom passed? I'm pretty sure that at least one of those would qualify as an illegal activity.

Yeah, you could say the word SCORNED fits me right about now, but you don't fuck with me or my family. He didn't deserve my mom, he sure the hell doesn't deserve us - but most of all, he doesn't deserve a dime she ever put into that marriage, including her life insurance. All of that should have went to her kids, like her original plan - all of it set up as a trust for my mentally challenged brother, because none of the rest of us need the money.

Anyone know of any really good lawyers?


My current pain level has finally come down

Sorry I've been MIA for about a week now. Nothing much has been going on other than going to the surgeon's office Tuesday for my 3rd saline injection - this time I remembered my camera, but I won't be posting the pictures here. So anyway, let me tell you that these injections hurt more than I even know how to describe. I left there feeling ok, but once to the car I was not feeling well at all. So I sat there and rested and hoped the feeling would pass, so I could drive home. After about 30 minutes or so it did, and I was on my way, but not long after that is when the really painful part begun. It started hurting so bad I wasn't sure what was going on, it seemed to move about and spasm only on the left side. I started to feel as if I might pass out or possibly hyper-ventilate, but all I wanted to do was get home before the pain got any worse. Now keep in mind that I took a full dose of pain meds 30 minutes prior to my appointment, and I don't take sissy medication, I'm talking real, hard-core, opiod based pain releiver - so to be in SO much pain after only 2 hours is astounishing to me, since my meds didn't even reach "half-life". To help sub my meds I've also been taking my prescribed muscle relaxers, as well as trying Motrin and Tylenol. I've even gone as far as to use ice packs and heating pads - and so far no help. I'm going to have to talk with my pain managment doc and ask what is up, cause I can't bear so much pain that it hurts just to move! Anyway, my doctor asked me to massage and try to "push" my left expander down where it should be, as right now it is kinda high, close to the collarbone. But "pushing" it downwards has been no easy task, as I don't even know where or how to begin - especially since it hurts so much! Luckily I don't have to go back next week to see him. First off I think I need an off week to stretch some more before going back. Also, next week is what is referred to as Mardi Gras around here - My daughter is out of school, some of the smaller, more locally owned places close down for a few days here and there to enjoy the parades. So I'm glad I will be having this time inbetween to recover, as my pain level is still quite high. The last few days are kind of a haze, as I'm one who sleeps through the pain when I can - especially after I take my meds. Even today I sit here with a heating pad on, getting ready to take my nighttime meds and go to bed.

I hope to feel better soon as I have worked out all the arrangements with Ruben's co-worker. I bought the albums I needed before my doctors appointment Tuesday. I took some "before" pictures and sent them to her. She was so excited she even agreed to pay me more than my asking price. I'm in awe - but thinking back, I probably would've charge anyone else more! I will post some work in progress pictures, as well as the finished product when done.