It's been a rough week!

This last injection has really done me in. I can't manage to get comfortable for anything and it's making me miserable. Not only does my chest hurt - but my shoulder blades and ribs do too. And if that weren't bad enough, now my neck has been so stiff that I can barely manage to move it at times. I'm in so much pain that my pain meds aren't doing their job. I haven't slept well all week, which worries me. I was a total insomniac for like 3 years, then my doctor gave me this medicine to help me sleep at night. It used to knock me out, and make me sleep through the whole night. Now I'm having problems falling asleep and staying asleep and I don't know if the medicine has lost it's effectiveness, if it's stress, or if I'm just in too much discomfort to sleep soundly. Not helping matters is the fact that no matter which way I lay I hurt. I have rib fractures on both sides and too much pain to sleep on my stomach or back. I'm concerned that one of these expanders may have caused a pinched nerve causing my neck the pain that it has. I just keep telling myself just a little over 3 weeks left and hopefully most of the pain will be behind me - I can't safely say that Ruben is tired of hearing me bitch about my pain - and I can't blame him cause I'm certainly tired of having it!
Earlier this week Danny came out from Vegas to help out with my upcoming surgery. His flight arrived at 12:30 am, which didn't help sleeping matters any. But needless to say, everyone is happy Uncle Danny is back! He's always such a big help around the house. Last night he helped me prepare dinner - he's getting into cooking, so it's nice that he can help out some with that aspect, cause sometimes you just need a break from standing there cooking and cleaning - especially when you're in pain! His first full night here, Ruben made him sit down and watch both Batman Begins and The Dark Knight since he hadn't seen either and Ruben is really into a Batman phase right now. Well we're sitting there and we're getting ready to watch the second movie. Now remember a few weeks back all the hype over the whole Christian Bale tirade? Well Ruben and I will quote the classic line "oh good for you" whenever it's appropriate. Well Ruben was joking around about something and out of no where Natalie chimes in with "oh good for you" and we started laughing so hard I nearly wet myself. She's never heard the tirade, just us joking around but to hear her quote some classic line is so awesomely Ruben. LOL. Speaking of "Rubenisms" the XBOX 360 wasn't starting up right and Ruben started to freak out that he was going to get the ring of death, though the ring color was green instead of red and I walk up to it and the Scene It controller is plugged into the USB port. I undo it and the problem was fixed. I didn't even know what I was doing, or what was wrong as I don't play video games much. But Ruben was so happy I fixed it for him and it was just a total role reversal cause usually I'm the one that freaks out and he's the one that calmly pulls out the most obvious fix. I guess after 10 years we're starting to rub off on each other! Speaking of the XBOX - tonight is game night. One of the older neighborhood kids is coming over tonight to play Street Fighter 4 with Ruben and Danny. Street Fighter was once my favorite game back in the day. I had it on Super Nintendo in like 1992 - and I thought I was pretty good at it, but I'll tell you not only do the characters in this new version look like they are on steroids, but it is a whole lot harder to play! I'm no gamer, that's for damn sure, so I had to start practicing so I can play tonight - and what happens? I wind up with this HUGE callous on my thumb. All that hard work and I might not be able to play tonight after all. Bummer! I haven't popped it yet cause then it will peel over and hurt even more. Danny says there is something you can buy to put on the controller for people like me who can't play well.....seriously, I am a button masher. I can pull off tricks, but don't ask me how I do it cause I just keep pushing buttons till something works. I even went through the challenge area to try to learn how to do combos, but I don't think I retained anything it taught me. So on that note, it's time to jump in the shower so we can run to Game Stop. Hopefully they carry this thing I need. Otherwise I will really be hurting tomorrow!

So What's New....

That would be not much around here. I'm still suffering from so much pain. I get my fills then spend the first 5 days in agony, finally feel better, then it's time for another fill. I saw my PS yesterday, so now I'm at 1050 and only have another 100cc's to go. As usual my left side doesn't hurt much, my right side hurts enough for both. I woke up this morning with a pain on my right side, which I think my be a rib - hopefully not a broken one. I've still got the pain and pressure across my shoulder blades from both sides. And it's not just the pain that's keeping me from blogging, cause trust me I've had many thoughts of posts I'd like to make - but the pain is causing me to max out on my pain meds, which in turn is making me excessively drowsy and I usually end up nodding off. Because of my pain, sitting forward is uncomfortable, and even laying back isn't easy. Not helping matters is the fact that I've been sick for a week now, though I am not nearly as sick today as I was last week. I'm finally getting better, but add cold meds to the pain meds and yep, I'm nodding off. So right now I sit here unable to breathe just so I can make a post. I've got to do it now while I can. We're experiencing some major computer issues in this house. I have one notebook that completely crashed and won't boot up at all, then I have another that the internal connector for the power supply is loose - so one minute it works, then if I move it turns off - so I never know when I might lose it and get it back on if ever. I spent nearly 2 hours last night trying to deal with HP Support. What a freaken headache that was. Unfortunately one of Natalie's friends was here last night while I was trying to take care of the problem. I was in pain and in a bad mood, so I wasn't feeling up for making dinner - mostly cause Natalie never ate her lunch, so that was to be her dinner. Anyway her friend overheard me getting upset with tech support (they couldn't find my name, number or devices) and told Natalie that her mom is nicer than I am. Ouch. I gotta remember to be more careful when others are around, especially kids cause they may not understand what you're getting upset about. It turned out that the girl I was dealing with had enter my info wrong, but it took me nearly an hour to talk with someone else who could find my info in the system.....and of course these tech support people are located in India, so not only do they not know how to spell Louisiana, but you can't understand just what in the hell they are trying to say to you. I think for the price we paid we deserve a little better customer service, I mean these are custom built notebooks, not the cheap piece of crap you get off the shelf for $500 - which just reminded me of an email Ruben got yesterday from one of the many electronic gadget sites that was offering Acer notebooks for under $300, but I'm sure it's a piece of crap. You get what you pay for. So all these computer problems come at a bad time! I've got documents I'm trying to prep for taxes. I have to put all my medical stuff into a spreadsheet and figure out all the miles to and from the doctor's office so we can write off all the co-pays, deductibles, and rx's. The medical deduction is always a big one for me. I average a doctor or two a week and spend nearly $175 in rx's a month. This whole vacation has been spent going back and forth to appointments. Monday I busted a filling and had to go to the dentist to get it replaced - even though I was sick. Wednesday Natalie and I got our eyes checked, cause I realized I was low on contacts and was overdue for an exam. Well low and behold I find out that the little incident 2 weeks ago in which I thought I was getting pink eye was actually something else. It's all my own fault really cause I don't wear my glasses enough - which may just mean that I will be restricted from contacts for a month or more. My eye was all swollen and I had lots of blood vessel growth, so I am on antibiotic and steroid drops for now till I follow up with him next week. Yeah I can see perfectly out of my right, but my left eye everything appears hazy. At first I thought I had a dramatic change in my prescription, but we won't be doing an eye exam till my eye is better. Drops 5 times a day is not fun, isn't having to wear my glasses punishment enough LOL? I hate my glasses cause my eyes are just too sensitive to sunlight, but I guess when things get better I'm going to have to make a point of wearing then every other day whether I like it or not! Luckily Natalie's vision was perfect like her daddy's. Then yesterday I had my fills and Natalie tagged along - we had lunch, ice cream, and played with a cute little puppy at the pet store. She was supposed to get her brows waxed, but the girl at the salon was not in - so I'll have to figure out an alternative. Today she has a check up....I'm trying to make the most of this break from school. Next week I'm hoping to find time to finish my tax docs, but ti will be hard given I have doctor appointments for the first half of the week. I'm just going to have to sit aside Thursday and clear my schedule and hopefully work through the pain - and hope it all makes sense in the end. I'm just going to have to make it a priority to shift some things around and re-prioritize my schedule. Because of the pain, I haven't been walking and I'm not happy about that. I'm limited on what activities I can do as is, so I need to make the time to at least walk even if I feel like crap! I want to lose 20 lbs ASAP and another 30 or more by years end. I need to buckle down, get motivated and start using my craft room more. I procrastinate way too much and let things destroy my schedule, and I know I could be doing things much more efficiently - but I think I'm just suffering from lack of desire. It's all peaks and valleys and right now I am lost in the valley.

So..much..pain..

Today was my 5th saline fill. I'm now at 950cc's and have only about 200 more to go before surgery. Each week is more painful than the last - the pain continues through the weekend and ends shortly before the next fill. The pain is so bad I've been maxed out on my pain meds, which makes me pretty drowsy. It's not just the pain of my skin and muscle stretching, the pain radiates from front to back as the expanders are crushing downwards and pushing on a rib. So I've got lots of pain in my upper back region. I've been pretty freaken miserable, and I'm just so anxious to get it over with. The pain is exhausting! I haven't been sleeping well. It's cutting into my blogging time. I'm very uncomfortable with sitting upright or laying back....and the pain is even making it hard to walk on the treadmill, at least during the first few days - which really sucks because I've been wanting to walk around the neighborhood with my friend from around the corner. We walked last night - got a nice blister on my foot to show for it, but today I'm just in too much pain. I swear I can feel my chest wall on my right side ripping.
So that's where things are right now. Next week is Mardi Gras. Natalie's school parade is this Friday - so I'll have some pictures from that to post. She's out of school for Mardi Gras, so she'll be accompanying me to my fill next week. I hope the experience won't be too scaring for her. Knowing her interests, she'll probably be fascinated by it. Next week we're also getting our eyes checked, and I have a dentist appointment cause a pita crisp damaged one of my fillings - fun, fun! I just hope that my prescription for my glasses didn't change cause I don't want to have to get new ones - oh and I hope Natalie's vision is ok. Please let her have Ruben's eyes. She has his teeth, which is a good thing! Ok, well time to take more meds now. I'm really uncomfortable and can't stand leaning forward anymore. Just a few more weeks till it's all over!

Reading is good for the mind

I know I said it's become an addiction, but I think obsession is more like it - though I prefer to just think of it as reading is good for the mind. And since I start chemo next week I need to make my mind stronger so not to lose all my thoughts or memories! Seriously, 3+ years later and I still suffer daily from chemo brain. Another round of it and my daughter will be smarter than I. Pathetic I know. So I'm hoping through reading that I will be able to at least prevent some of that fogginess! As it is I won't be able to do much in regards to the increasing fatigue, nausea, or pain. See now why I didn't want to do it? It's not just the losing the hair part! Though I don't want to, bald is so much more low maintenance. Hell shampoo isn't even a requirement!

All I ask is for my mind to stay strong - otherwise I will be attending school with my child!

My current pain level has finally come down

Sorry I've been MIA for about a week now. Nothing much has been going on other than going to the surgeon's office Tuesday for my 3rd saline injection - this time I remembered my camera, but I won't be posting the pictures here. So anyway, let me tell you that these injections hurt more than I even know how to describe. I left there feeling ok, but once to the car I was not feeling well at all. So I sat there and rested and hoped the feeling would pass, so I could drive home. After about 30 minutes or so it did, and I was on my way, but not long after that is when the really painful part begun. It started hurting so bad I wasn't sure what was going on, it seemed to move about and spasm only on the left side. I started to feel as if I might pass out or possibly hyper-ventilate, but all I wanted to do was get home before the pain got any worse. Now keep in mind that I took a full dose of pain meds 30 minutes prior to my appointment, and I don't take sissy medication, I'm talking real, hard-core, opiod based pain releiver - so to be in SO much pain after only 2 hours is astounishing to me, since my meds didn't even reach "half-life". To help sub my meds I've also been taking my prescribed muscle relaxers, as well as trying Motrin and Tylenol. I've even gone as far as to use ice packs and heating pads - and so far no help. I'm going to have to talk with my pain managment doc and ask what is up, cause I can't bear so much pain that it hurts just to move! Anyway, my doctor asked me to massage and try to "push" my left expander down where it should be, as right now it is kinda high, close to the collarbone. But "pushing" it downwards has been no easy task, as I don't even know where or how to begin - especially since it hurts so much! Luckily I don't have to go back next week to see him. First off I think I need an off week to stretch some more before going back. Also, next week is what is referred to as Mardi Gras around here - My daughter is out of school, some of the smaller, more locally owned places close down for a few days here and there to enjoy the parades. So I'm glad I will be having this time inbetween to recover, as my pain level is still quite high. The last few days are kind of a haze, as I'm one who sleeps through the pain when I can - especially after I take my meds. Even today I sit here with a heating pad on, getting ready to take my nighttime meds and go to bed.

I hope to feel better soon as I have worked out all the arrangements with Ruben's co-worker. I bought the albums I needed before my doctors appointment Tuesday. I took some "before" pictures and sent them to her. She was so excited she even agreed to pay me more than my asking price. I'm in awe - but thinking back, I probably would've charge anyone else more! I will post some work in progress pictures, as well as the finished product when done.

I feel old.

I woke up this morning in the worst pain. My knees hurt badly - forget about trying to bend them. My feet which hurt on a daily basis, hurt even worse today. It's like my feet are really cramped up, or like maybe I've worn heels all my life, although I haven't. Even the muscles in my calves hurt. You'd think I've been running a marathon or something, but the fact is that I didn't do anything other than go to Wal-mart. We needed some groceries, which Ruben could have gotten after work, but I just feel so bad for the poor guy. He works such a long day, has such a time consuming drive, often does errands along the way, then he arrives home, eats, and barely has any time to relax or do anything around the house. So in any case, I took it upon myself yesterday to go to Wal-mart. Aside from groceries, we needed some more gauze, tape, and bandages - and of course, since it finally released, I just HAD to buy Grey's Anatomy Season 3, because you know that I couldn't seriously wait any longer to get it (I am actually watching it right now - I seriously can't wait for the new season to begin on the 27th!!) The shopping trip ended up being a 2 1/2 hour ordeal, which nearly filled 2 carts. So it's no wonder that I hurt, it's just surprising that it's my legs that hurt and not my back. I also realized yesterday why it is that I shouldn't be driving. I can't turn all that well to look over my shoulder to back-up - not to mention that the seat belt is also ridiculously uncomfortable. But none of the is going to stop me come Friday when it comes time for my hair appointment. Speaking of which, I am having a real conflict here with decisions. You see, my curly hair is all f'd up. I tried to straighten it a few months ago, and all that did was screw up the nice curly spirals I had. It's too damn humid here for me to dry my hair straight like I did in the past. Ruben likes the curls, which are high maintenance, (like straight hair isn't? It's such a pain in the ass to blow dry!) he also is quite fond of long hair - but I've never really worn my hair curly and all down. I hate the curls, and I have such thick hair that makes me so effen hot! So I was seriously thinking of going short cause I'm tired of daily pony-tails and not being able to do anything with my hair - but Ruben is so against the thought, and ends each discussion by telling me to just do whatever I want. Well that really doesn't help me decide, so I am seriously confused about what to do on Friday. Either way it should be interesting to say the least!