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July 24, 2005 – A Revelation to Happiness.

It dawned on me the other day in the midst of all this. Being depressed, stopping meds, the crying, sick to my stomach, fighting with friends, crying, losing weight, not eating, being sick to my stomach – oh wait I said that already. I just needed to revert back to my prior days. See I have my own set of beliefs. I live life by my own set of rules. My first husband did a real number on me, always calling me fat, and stupid. In just a year in a half he caused so much mental abuse, it took me a long time to get over it, because when you hear it everyday you start to believe it (and at 19 I was not fat, I was 145 lbs. & not stupid). I had a thing for losers I suppose, because years later after I moved to Vegas I dated a guy for a year who, I swear brainwashed me. Once again, this loser did a real number on me. Not only was he a loser, but he was psychotic at that. One time he held a loaded gun to my head and threatened to kill me, and believe it or not I still stayed with him after that. It wasn’t until I was unhappy at my job that he told me, “if there’s something in your life you don’t like, then change it, it’s that simple.” That’s exactly what I did. I got a new job, but I still wasn’t happy. Then I realized, it wasn’t the job making me unhappy, it was him. So I dumped him. Needless to say, he found a new girl as psycho as him who cranked called me till I changed my phone number, then later cut my brake line, and keyed the whole side of my truck so it had to be re-painted, but that’s beside the point. My point is that every since then I have lived my life by this creed - that I do not need anyone to make me happy. I have never cared what anyone has thought about me, and I really could care less whether or not you like me or want to be my friend because this is who I am – like it or not.

Luckily I found Ruben who was not a loser or a psycho and found a love, happiness, and a friendship I never possibly thought could exist. My happiness lies within my heart, and the 3 very special members of my family (1 just happens to be a fuzzy mutt-dog). They are my inspiration for everything that I do, and are responsible for my everyday joys.

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