It's Hot, I'm Tired and I'm Cranky

It seems over the last month our upstairs a/c unit has been getting worse. First we tried going through the warranty company - but they kicked it back saying it's all pre-existing conditions.......well duh, we did buy our house this way! I can't help if they used a unit that was too small for the amount of square feet we have....and the way they designed the duct work was out of my control!

So today before I left for radiation, a provider for Home Depot came over to check things out. He agreed with some of the items the warranty contracted company wrote up - however he informed us that our unit is of the correct size, and there is something wrong with it - most likely the compressor. He wrote up an estimate of $7,100 to replace the unit and repair all the duct work or other issues found. Still I think $7,100 quite a large sum for only a 2 1/2 ton 13 seer unit! Needless to say my HD CC does not have a limit quite that high - and I'm not sure if I want to touch the HELOC or dip into our savings. We might be able to repair the unit with a new compressor - but first I need to figure out the best financial approach to this problem. Till I do, and we get it fixed or replaced it will remain only cool upstairs instead of COLD.

After radiation I went to the grocery store and stocked up on fruit, fish and yogurt. I'm fighting a big freaken headache right now cause I've DRASTICALLY cut back on caffeine. I've only had ONE soda today. Trying to cut out those empty calories and eat healthy. My day consists of small snack every 2-3 hours and LOTS of water. I feel so bloated, and I'm pissing like a pregnant woman. My bladder was not meant to hold 8 glasses of water!

Nailed!

A while ago Ruben was hit on his way to work. His truck was not really
damaged that much, but the lady that hit him effed her car up BAD! To
top it off, the accident happened in front of some cops - who ticketed
her for being at fault.
Well first thing Friday morning our doorbell rang - it was a cop
serving him a supeona cause this chick is suing the state. We're not
sure why or what side he's a witness for. Guess well find out come the
25th.

Then to top it off I got something in the mail from Jeff Parish. I got
nailed running a red light. They sent pix with $110 fine.....it just
happened last week on my way home from treatment. SHIT!!! This SUCKS!!!

Sent from my iPhone

Community EDU

Got the new Fall Community Education schedule the other day. They look to have a good variety this semester. So many good ones it's hard to choose.

First off there is a great course on book publishing, and another on writing for trade magazines and trade journals. It's taught by writer who has had over a dozen books published, as well as hundreds of articles......these both would be VERY useful courses for me to take to help get my book up and published and move on from writing blog Q&A's to magazines. Each course is $75 plus another $20 supply fee each. But the dates allow for attending both classes.

There a several classes I'd like to enroll Natalie in - but I have to check her interest, and the schedules first. Here are a few of the classes I'm considering:

Taekwondo for Juniors - $90 plus uniforms
Little Tennis - $70
CATZ Youth Fitness Program - $45
Wetland Express Mobile - $5 (mobile bus that brings swamp animals to teach kids about the importance of preservation)
And my fave.....
Acoustic & Electric Guitar for Beginners - $70 plus the cost of a guitar & amp (which you can get a beginner kit on eBay for less than $100).

I think the whole guitar course would be cool cause none of her friends have done it and I'd like her to be musically inclined. I think she would like learning the guitar, the Taekwondo course & the Wetlands bus.

What do y'all think?
I want a balance if interest, learning, and activity. If I don't sign up by the 31st, we may miss the boat and the courses may not be offered next semester.

What a Day.......

My day started off poorly with a major iTunes flub. I went to delete duplicates, as I saw that there were several repeats of some songs - and somehow in the process I lost over 2,000 songs. In the process of trying to find them (they were located in two separate folders, one on another drive) trying to fix tags, and d/l new songs; I found that time got away from me. I ended up spending 5+ hours just to update Natalie's Nano & my iPod....and that was not even enough time to finish the job. We'll likely have to "delete" all the music, then pull it out of the folders and place it back into iTunes - then formulate playlists for Ruben, Natalie and myself. It was all rather frustrating!

When I finally made it out of the house to head to radiation, I found that it was a torrential DOWNPOUR of rain! I get to the bridge, and while my side was clear, I noticed that traffic was severely backed up on the other side. Seems there was an accident that took out a 6' section of railing - the railing that separates you from the Mississippi. The accident happened around 8am, and as Ruben drove home at 5:30 one lane was still closed. I had ended up coming home a different route, as it was still closed when I was done with radiation.
Speaking of radiation.....I'm not exactly sure what has happened, all I can do is chalk it up to new math, because by my calculations I'm not done till August 11th - I'm doing 31 sessions, but as the tech told me today I only have 2 left, so my last day is TUESDAY - YAY!!!!!!! That will give me sufficient time for my burn to ease up just in time to meet my new chemo doc - or at least I hope it will!

I'm sitting here watching the news, and our 7 day forecast is 92 and rainy every day except Sunday. Damn I'm tired of this rain! They also said the Coast Guards been working on that oil spill that happened over a week ago, and so far they have cleaned up about 100,000 gallons of the 419,000 spilled. Jeez, at this rate it will take MONTHS to clean up!

And finally, in honor of updating my iPod and rocking out half the day. In Lora fashion, below is a list of a few songs that randomly popped up that are not just my favorites, but ones I had to replay a few times just because it takes so long for them to come back around. I need to work on tagging my songs better, so I can listen more efficiently! People on the road today must have thought I was nuts the way I was singing and dancing in my Durango!

Finger Elven - Paralyzer
Fave lyrics: I'm not paralyzed but I seem to be struck by you I want to make you move Because you're standing still If your body matches What your eyes can do.

Buckcherry - Crazy Bitch (Dirty Version - so NSFW!)
Fave lyrics: You're a crazy bitch But you fuck so good I'm on top of it When I dream I'm doing you all night Scratches all down my back,
You're crazy but I like the way you fuck me.

Lustra - Scotty Doesn't Know (from Eurotrip video with Matt Damon as singer)
Fave lyrics: Scotty doesn't know That Fionna and me Do it in my van every Sunday She tells him shes in church But she doesn't go Still shes on her knees.

Fort Minor - Remember the Name
Fave lyrics: This is 10% luck 20% skill 15% concentrated power of will 5% pleasure 50% pain And a 100% reason To remember the name.

Music Day

This morning when Natalie woke up she promptly informed me that her iPod Nano wasn't working. We've had this problem before with it - last time it just needed an update, and it seemed it did this time s well. I kinda egret not just getting her a regular one after all the update issues we've had! Through the course of downloading and installing the update, all the misc was lost. This sucks. We have a pretty large music library - though nothing like Lora's - and we each have our own folder, so it makes syncing easier...instead of having 3 accounts. Well her folder is empty so I will be spending most of my day filling it up, as well as re-vamping mine cause I'm d/l new music. Lora had turned me on to this free DJ Music Mashups, which you can find the links for here to download yourself f you so choose.

I'm also thinking of doing another blog - it's not like I have all this free time, it will just be a lil pet project to see if I can get it off the ground and get others involved. It's called Tales From Our Scales. I'm hoping for it to be a weight loss experience for all to participate in.

So I'm sure y'all want to know about my doctor visit yesterday. One word DISASTER! I had only met with this guy one time, and I recall then that I spent FOREVER waiting and yesterday was no exception. I waited an 1 1/2 hours for him cause the DUMBASS took his 12:00 patient AHEAD of ME, his 11:30! Then to top it off he was just a major egotistical prick - and spent a grand total of 15 minutes with me. He's had my records since April, he's gotten updates from ALL my doctors and yet with ALL this INFO he could not tell me what treatment plan he was going to give me - even though he's had MONTHS! I was livid. The man knows I am almost complete with radiation - my last day is August 11th. He should know how long I need to go and what cocktail I should get, ESPECIALLY since I've had chemo before nd that plays a HUGE role in what drugs he CAN give me. I was LIVID. He told me I wouldn't find better doctor...wanna bet? His medical group has an office over here on the Westbank that Dr. Black does not practice in. It will also be somewhat closer for me to get chemo at. So yesterday I made an appointment with someone who has a good reputation for having a good bedside manner, and arranged for my records to be transferred. I will see Dr. K on the 19th - which is okay cause I was told that I will need to wait for this burn to clear up some before I can even start chemo.

Ok, so here I am going through iTunes - I'm d/l songs, trying to fix tags and I just realized I've been doing this since 7am and I'm nowhere close to being done. I haven't even synced. I think I'm trying to do too much at once - so I guess it's back o the tunes....gotta get this iPods loaded up soon.

Happy Friday!

Gotta make this quick today

Today my schedule is packed full. I see my medical oncologist Dr. B and will hopefully find out what kinds of chemo program he will have me on. I'm really hoping to retain my hair this time - so cross your fingers for me. I just got it cut yesterday and I so badly wanted to get some color put in it....for one my roots are coming in a rather different color, and I'm not sure if radiation is having an affect on it - but I see a significant increase in grays. Jesus people, I am only 34 - first cancer, now grays? Gimme a break! My mom always wanted the gray hair my grandma had and never got the grays - now it looks like I will be the silver haired 40 year old. Aren't family genes just great sometime? The other reason I wanted to do some color, is because I wanted to do something slightly funky like add dark tips - instead of the usual highlights I would get. But I just hate to spend $60+ dollars just to lose my hair in another month. Though I don't mind being bald, I really don't want to lose my hair cause it just grew out a bit from chopping it off last summer - and I want to go long in hope of my curly hair turning more wavy - like the sexy beach wavy hair that is the trend now, instead of the spirally 'fro I have now. The stylist seemed to think it was possible because the weight of my hair (cause it's so damn thick!) causes a portion of about 2-3" from the roots to be straight, then the ends spiral. It's very weird and I hate the massively curly hair I have, but I can't blow dry it straight here cause the humidity just won't allow it to STAY straight. So really, why waste an hour with the dryer in the heat of the summer when 15 minutes later it's just going to frizz and kink up? So I'm slowly trying to learn how to re-style my hair - and it had just grown out to be able to put back in a ponytail, but after the cut yesterday I can tell it's going to be hard to get it all to reach back for a tail. I told her not to shorten it, but to layer it and thin it out some, but I think in the process I lost some of the length anyway.

Also today I have to do blood work, then of course radiation, then a trip to the dentist. Needless to say I won't make it home till probably 6 or even later due to traffic. But I did find out yesterday what the number of treatments will be. After getting my hopes up about a possible 28-30, and knowing yesterday was #23 and maybe only having 5 days left, I was told that the final number will be 31. Still better than 35, but the thought of being done in a week got me so excited!

Yesterday on the way to treatment I noticed that gas was down 20 cents - $3.99 to 3.79, and I thought that was rather odd considering we just had a HUGE oil spill here on the Mississippi that has royally effed up our port. Supposedly it is costing like $250 million a day - that we have about a 100 ships waiting to dock....and the barge that spilled the 419,000 gallons of oil was still sitting on the river leaking. The Carnival Cruise ship couldn't even dock here Sunday - instead it left out of Mobile, AL. Carnival had to provide transportation for all the passengers, which I bet was lovely considering it's a 3 hour drive - either that or they flew and I'm sure that was no picnic either with TSA and all the requirements now. I doubt when it comes back to port on Saturday that it will be able to dock here then either, as clean up crews are still working on it. It's also triggers being potentially dangerous for our drinking water, which is usually rather great instead of the crud you'd get in Vegas. Hopefully they will get it cleaned up soon - it would also be nice if the gas prices would continue to drop some....like another dollar, LOL!

Oh and if you have time, check out my sister's blog : Perfection is Boring. She's still working on it - but let her know your thoughts on perfection. To me the title is a catch 22 cause I think that I am rather boring, yet I am far from perfect!

Not Sure Where My Mind Is At.....

Can you believe I actually left the house this afternoon for radiation, got half way there - and realized I forgot to brush my teeth. Imagine the horror, knowing you don't have the time to go home and your about to be face to face with someone. Thankfully I have an Orbit White BigePak of gum in the car.
Actually I know where my mind was. My mind is in STL going down memory lane wishing I was with Ruben and able to show him some of my favorite places and stuff. Now that he has been there briefly for this training trip, planning a family vacay there is required!
So did you hear about the 5.4 earthquake to hit L.A. today? Supposedly it could be felt as far east as Vegas. So glad I'm not in the southwest - though the southeast has it's fair share of not fun things. It's hurricane season here and we've been having thunderstorms and downpours nearly daily for weeks now - but hey, at least we don't have to water the grass....but at the same time the grass grows like crazy, and it's humid as hell!

I Figured it Out

If this works correctly I should be posting this from my iPhone - no
app needed. I sure hope it works, cause I'll want to use it during
chemo.
Today after radiation I saw the dr and found that I will probably be
doing only 28 to 30 treatments instead of the 35 I initially thought,
so good news there. Bad news is my burn is getting worse and now
extends across my chest (upper & lower) into my armpit - which is
doing wonders for my lymphedema!
Ruben landed safely in STL and got to see the Arch and other things
while driving downtown, which upsets me so......he is so close to my
childhood home and there is so much I want to show him there. It's my
trip down memory lane.....hrmph! I guess we'll be planning a trip
there soon.

Sent from my iPhone

3 More Weeks

Today marks 3 more weeks left of radiation. I fear that I won't be finished by August 15th cause I noticed this weekend that my chest has gotten a lot darker and the skin is beginning to peel. I won't get to see the doctor till tomorrow - unless the radiation tech takes one look at me and send me to the doctor instead of the machine.
I'm not BADLY burned, but I am rather dark. It worries me because the worse it gets, the longer I may have to wait to finish reconstruction - that and I have heard stories about the radiated skin being unusable for reconstruction with implants and that donor skin may have to be used from another area of my body. Which on one hand is fine with me - use all my stomach muscle, tissue and fat needed so I get the benefit of a tummy tuck out of it.....but on the other hand, then I will have multiple incision areas, and I'm not sure if I want to be in all that pain. But for now one step at a time, which means lathering on the lotion several times through-out the day.

Also in 3 weeks Natalie starts school. I cannot believe school starts in mid-August. I thought it would be closer to the end of August. It kind of sucks for her since today she started a week long reading camp at school, but it's only half days - but she just came home all excited about her reading group and informed me she doesn't have to wear her uniforms this week......great, so now I have to find 4 appropriate outfits to sit out for the remainder of the week, after I just prepped her uniforms!

Ruben is in St. Louis for the week attending some training classes. it sucks to me that he got to go and we're stuck here because of my radiation - since I am after all from just across the river. It would have been nice to go "home" and show Natalie all the cool things like the the Arch and my favorite parks, museums, and the zoo. But Ruben wouldn't have been able to enjoy any of it as he would've been stuck in class all day. Maybe we'll head up there for Thanksgiving or something......of course that all depends on if gas prices drop some and my treatment - which by the way is time to go get ready for. I say hopefully I'll get a week off since I'm peeling, but I really don't want to prolong any treatments unless it is absolutely necessary!

Post Secret

Last night as I was writing my post, Ruben was curious what it was I was posting about - so I told him. He then informed me that I have a sizable audience of readers within his company, and I should probably watch what I say - especially when it comes to him. He is more of a private person, whereas to me, this is MY forum, MY place to be myself, My place to say anything I want. I rarely hold back - but now I wonder what some of his co-workers may think of me after some of the things I have posted, LOL! Ah well, it's all in good fun. I'm sure most people just get a little chuckle out of the things I say as most can relate on one level or another. Oh and I should mention to everyone that while I made a comment about the pictures in Playboy - it is neither here nor there. I think that women who are comfortable with themselves, can most certainly look at another women and say to herself "nice rack or she's hot or I want that ass" and never mean it in a sexual way. We recognize beauty in other women, and we can appreciate it. Men however, would NEVER admit that another man looks good - they are certainly different creatures than the rest of us.

But as many of you already know, I try not to name names or companies or give away any pertinent information - that is unless you piss me off, LOL. I don't want any stranger to know where we live live or where to track us down - especially my daughter - that's why I try to leave out our last name (though I know I have mentioned it before) and the names of her schools.

Speaking of which, next week she goes to a week long reading camp at school for half days. Gives her a nice chance to be prepared and become a stronger reader for the upcoming school year! Hence the reason I bought her books yesterday. Last night we read Little Miss Chatterbox and Little Miss Bossy - for appearing to be easy to read books, they were not - but I thought that Natalie might learn a little lesson out of them......let's see how long she retains that lesson, LOL.

So after I finished my post, I surfed some of my favorite blogs. One of them being PostSecret, which really upset me. Not sure if you've ever visited PostSecret, but it is an ongoing community art project where people mail in their secrets anonymously on one side of a postcard. I've never sent one in because I honestly can't think of a secret worth sharing. I mean let's face it - I am a pretty vocal person. I don't hold too much back. So anyway, I am browsing through this week's secrets and I come across two items that bothered me and made me cry. Ruben asked what was wrong and I showed him. He says to me - "you don't seriously think that one is from me, do you?" I said "no" - I knew he had no way of sending it in, as he hardly even knew about the site, let alone what to do or where to send it. I don't read the secrets looking for one that pertains to me, I just simply like reading them. Sometimes I laugh, sometimes I cry, sometimes I am disturbed. Last night I was just upset cause the postcards hit a little close to home, and I could relate to them in a way. I don't worry so much about my scars anymore, but I do worry that I have pushed him away. I remember in the beginning I couldn't even stand to look at my scars let alone let him look at them or touch them. Today I wear those scars with great pride because it shows how strong I am, and that I will go to any length to be here with my family. I feel awful for the woman who wrote this card, thinking that her insecurities drove her man away and I hope one day she comes to terms and is no longer ashamed of her disfigurement. For the other card, I say shame on you. Love is unconditional. Your wife would still love you if you had testicular cancer and had to have your balls removed. There is more to a marriage than what is on the outside. Is being fortunate enough to still have a living wife not good enough for him, would he rather have someone with boobs? That is vain and selfish. I feel for his wife, because I'm sure she has her own personal struggles from dealing with cancer. She deserves a man that is sympathetic and understanding.

These cards make me feel so blessed to have the husband I do. One that loves me and stands by me no matter what - even though I have tried to push him away, he refuses to budge. One that told me that it did not matter if I chose not to get reconstruction - that if I am going to do it, then do it for myself. I am extremely fortunate to have a husband like this - and rather than take him for granted, I try to remind myself of this day in and day out. I wish all women faced with breast cancer were as fortunate as myself to have such a loving, caring partner - and that they have the strength and courage I now have.

If I had more time before radiation I would send Frank over at PostSecret an email response regarding these two cards, but it's a little late now as he posts new secrets every Sunday - so any chances of the emails being posted or seen before Sunday would be slim. Ah well, maybe next time I will remember to check earlier in the week.

On another note, I am so loving my new iPhone. It's so handy to not have to call 411 when you need a phone number, cause you have the web right there! Plus I am really becoming addicted to some of the game apps I have downloaded! I just wish the battery was as good as they advertised. I charge it AT LEAST once a day....300 hours of stand-by time my fat ass! My iPod has a better battery. Thankfully I bought the AppleCare Protection Plan to extend my coverage to 2 years - and it does cover the battery, thank goodness!

I may be sick, but I'm a good wife =)

I haven't been feeling well the last few days - in fact I humiliated myself to many drivers along Clearview as I was pulled over at a Shell Station puking my guts out after radiation on Tuesday. Since then I haven't been feeling well. Very exhausted and worn out, but no longer puking. After tomorrow I will only have 3 WEEKS left till I am done with radiation - YAY!!!! So far other than feeling exhausted, treatment is going well. I have no badly burned areas or intense pain.

Today after radiation I stopped by Barnes & Noble, got a few books for Natalie - but my main purpose for going there was to pick up August's issue of Playboy for Ruben so he could see the pictures of Susie Sprague-Feldman....Corey Feldman's hot 26 year old wife. Ruben now says she makes his list of 5. I will admit she has a body....perfectly round surgically enhanced breast - and a pierced vajayjay to top it off. He saw her once on an episode of The Two Corey's and wondered how Corey scored such a hot wife. When I heard that she was in August's issue, I knew I just had to get the magazine. He gave up his subscription years ago, and hell the price of one is damn near close the price of a yearly subscription! Ah well, I just wanted to treat him with a nice little surprise.

Day 730

Yup, still counting the days - and after two years it still isn't any easier.

Ruben being the super supportive husband that he is, woke me up with breakfast in bed. So at least my morning was off to a good start. Then he let me chill the rest of the day. The stress free day was much needed. Though the stress is definitely showing on my face, and I hate it. Anytime I tweeze my eyebrow I aggravate an abscess, then all acne breaks loose. Of course the stuff I use helps, but it also peals off like 5 layers of skin before the spot heals. It's time for me to see another dermatologist - and not one who suggests washing my face with Cetaphil, as that's not much of a solution. Speaking of which, it's time for me to go wash my face and call it a night. Tomorrow starts another fun week of radiation - yay!

Trying to Blog from my iPhone

Played with my phone lots today. Got it all set up, played some fun games - but when it comes to blogging, though I can view and log in to my page, I can't make a post. Not sure why. I know MySpace makes an application for for the phone, so maybe that's the problem - maybe I need a blogger app, but they don't make one. Still though, even if I can't blog, I can do lots of other stuff to pass the time while I'm at various doctor's office. I still need to check and see if I'm able to answer questions or blog for the breast cancer sites I work independently for. instead of checking to see about the important stuff I've been too busy playing games and such, lol! Oh, but I think I'm in love. How in the world did I ever manage before without an Apple iPhone?


Oh - was also wondering something else.....what could possibly be the reason behind wanting and eating tuna every day, like those little fat free tuna salad lunch kits that comes with crackers? Would a vitamin deficiency lead to such cravings? I'm I putting myself at risk of mercury poisoning by eating it everyday? I wonder if the radiation is somehow involved. Just something that I've noticed myself doing and am curious as to the reasoning behind it. Any suggestions?

Got me an iPhone today

A week after it's debut, my direct fulfillment order came in and I got my new 3g iPhone today. I've spent half the day trying to set it up - installing a bunch of applications, music & ring tones (once I go through it all, figure out what I want and get it all synced) This baby has lots of bells and whistles and I love it! It's definitely going to take some getting used to, but I'm sure I'll have fun playing along the way!

Birthday Boy

Today marks Ruben's big 35. We decorated the house in signs, enjoyed a simple evening at home and topped it off with cake.

Another Week of Radiation

Mondays mark the beginning of another lovely week of radiation - though I should specify that treatment itself is not bad, it's just the traffic. But so far I have 12 down and 23 left to go - which is roughly 4 1/2 weeks, perhaps longer if I miss days or because of holidays. Slowly but surely I am getting there.

So how was every one's weekend?

We went into town so I could order my iPhone on direct fulfillment, cause I was unable to get it on Friday as promised. Apparently the stupid regional manager for the AT&T stored here only ordered like 60 per store because he thought that there wasn't a big need for them. He told me that everyone who wanted an iPhone already had one - yeah but he didn't factor in the hundreds of us waiting for the new one so we could upgrade. The stores had lines that formed at 5am. It was ridiculous. But at least with direct fulfillment I should have my phone in 3 to 10 days, and since it is paid for I will get it before walk-ins.

I was pretty pissed Friday because I had gotten up early and went into town just to get my phone, and since that plan back-fired, I ended up walking through the mall buying gifts for Ruben's birthday tomorrow. All that walking around and standing not only killed my knee, causing it to inflame once again, but also caused my ankles to swell. I wasn't exactly happy cause my knee was finally healing, though it still popped and cracked with each step. I can't afford to damage it any further - and I've been waiting about 2 months for it to heal so I can get back on the Wii Fit!

So after ordering my phone we had lunch and bought a new 42" HDTV 1080p. One of our old TV's has been going bad for a while and since several repairmen could not fix it, RC Willey reimbursed us the full cost of that TV minus the extended warranty. I swear that was the best damn extended warranty ever - no wait, we bought a 37" Olevia from Office Depot about 8 months ago and one of the speakers went out so they shipped us a brand new model. So Natalie now has that 37" HDTV 1080i, and we have the 42" one in our bedroom. The old TV is still kicking and has been in the guest room every since we thought it was about to go out. We got tired of the screen going gray while playing video games so we took the 57" in the living room and put it in the game room, and bought a new 61" for our TV room. Once we reported the problems we were having they replaced like a motherboard within that TV, so it works great again, it's just that on one side it picks up interference and shows these little static white lines that are about 2 inches long every minute or so - but it has done this since 2004, so I don't think it poses a real problem - and if it should go out it's just the guest room TV. All our other TV's are less than a year old, so it's all good. though I find it kinda funny that our 8 year old has a bigger, better TV than most people have in their living rooms. I swear Ruben created a monster when he turned me on to electronics. Before I could never tell the difference between a regular TV and an HD LCD TV - but now, whoa! I want the biggest, bestest TV's around - besides I'm pretty much blind so bigger is always better!

So tomorrow is Ruben's birthday. Since it falls during the week we really don't plan on much. Just a little cake that I'll either buy tomorrow after treatment, or one that Natalie will make. We kinda already celebrated this weekend, as that is when I gave him his gifts and we had a nice meal out. I gave him his gifts early cause I am always so impatient and excited. I just bought him some clothes, nothing too special cause we're adults - we buy what we want when we want it. We don't need an excuse to buy something we like, I mean as long as we can afford it we buy it when we see it. Now that my iPhone is out of the way, I will be pooling my extra money together to buy that $1200 Nikon DSLR camera & lens combo I want. I guess I've been putting it off cause I really don't need it. I have an awesome Sony digital point & shoot with 3 extra lenses, but it's an obsession of mine. Especially every time we go to a VooDoo game or Saint's game and I see the photojournalist there with their cameras with huge ass lenses. Ah well, one day soon. I promise. I want it so I can take more artistic photos and not just pictures of the family. Plus a remote for those self pictures will be nice!

Ok, well it's time for me to get ready for radiation. Oh joy!

Almost forgot, I saw one of the bunnies out on Friday, so they're still surviving somehow. It makes me glad to know the gator haven't eaten them!

Calgon Take Me Away

There is never a day so bad that a 60+ gallon jetted jacuzzi roman tub can't take away.

Things here have been pretty good. I'm finally getting over my head cold, though I am still somewhat sad about Ruben's mom leaving and the upcoming anniversary of my mother's death. Radiation has been good, no problems there - just tired of driving in the traffic! Although one thing did happen yesterday that called for Calgon......my weekly visit to the lab. UGH! I have the worst veins ever and am limited to one arm, since my right has no lymph nodes in it. This lady was having a hard ass time hitting my vein, and fished for it. Then she was surprised when she couldn't get even a spoonful out of me. So she had to stick me again in a different spot. Now I have a nice bruise where she popped my vein. I so hate these weekly test, but I will be having them done all through radiation and well into chemo. YAY, not!

After my visit to the lab I stopped into Dr. B's office to schedule an appointment and find out what his plans are for chemo. I don't know if I can do both at the same time, but if I could I think I rather would - though I am not really looking forward to losing my hair and have decided that I will not shave my head this time, but rather wait and see how much I lose. I have extremely thick curly hair. If I only have to do 4 sessions like last time I'm hoping there's a chance I can keep most of it. I'll find out more once I see the doctor at the end of the month.

Last night after a nice relaxing bath I pondered cutting bangs. I still can't quite decide. On one hand I believe that it won't matter as soon I will be bald, on the other I think there are new combinations of chemo out there now and my next one might not have that side effect, and do I really want to suffer through another grow out period? I say suffer because I have been in a grow out period for a year now cause last summer I decided to cut all my hair short. Dumb. Dumb. Dumb. Shortly after I did it I wished I hadn't, but the heat of summer and the increase of hot flashes drove me to doing it. Now my hair is jest finally long enough to make a small decent ponytail, and I wish it longer even though it's hot and humid. I guess only time will tell what I am left with after chemo - I can do bald if I need to, but I would rather not!

Well I have a few hours before it's time to get ready, so I think I'm going to go play some Guitar Hero Aerosmith, as I have not played it yet - and tomorrow I will be leaving early so I can run by an AT&T store and pick up a new iPhone......oh I so cannot wait for it!!!

Oh, and I am sad to say that the little bunnies I had seen in the previous weeks have not been around and I worry that the gators got them. Poor things. Also, it's STILL raining here!

Another Day

Today I took another day off from radiation, extending my holiday weekend. It seems sometime during my weekend I got this damn awful head cold, and now I'm full blown sick and it sucks. I need to put a stop to this congestion before it gets any worse. What's weird is that I have been loading up on my vitamins and I still got sick! So now I'm loading up on Mucinex and Benedryl and am so tired from it. I think it's kind of like a sinus infection because not only does my forehead hurt, but my cheeks and teeth hurt as well. Luckily I had a refill on my antibiotics, and hopefully through a miracle I will fell better in time for tomorrow's radiation treatment! And though I have been in bed sick, I'm sure my Durango, as well as my pocketbook appreciated the rest!

Yesterday Ruben's mom left after spending the last 3 weeks here. It was really hard for me, as she's all I have now that my mom is gone. I couldn't even tell her how I felt, I had to have Ruben do it. I'm hoping that by next year I will be able to open up more to her and let her know how much I love her and appreciate everything she does. It's just very hard for me during this time of year as day 730 is quickly approaching. Yes I am still counting days as I take it day by day. I miss her so much. I don't think I will ever get over her death.

Before she left, I had to burn 4 discs full of photos for her, which reminded me I have lots of pictures to upload - just wish I would have been feeling up to it this weekend cause I just don't have much time during the week. But I will try to get to them soon. Friday is the big day, that day I get my new iPhone. I so cannot wait. I got one of my paychecks today, just in time to pay for it and whatever accessories I need. I'm so excited!

This weekend aside from lying in bed being sick I also watched some of the new movies that are piling up. One of them was the Other Boleyn Girl. It was good, though I did not like Scarlett Johansson in it. I also found it odd that it differs so much from The Tudors. Unfortunately high school seemed to focus mostly on US history, so I don't know a whole lot about the history of England. So I'm curious which is more accurately displayed.
Oh and I think I've officially made my decision to start trying to put together a book on breast cancer and somehow shop it around for publishing. I've already got a title in mind and Ruben is very supportive on this as he knows that it has been my mission to try to help women with breast cancer, and more importantly educate younger women in the importance of self exams. Breast cancer is not an old lady disease anymore. Younger women are being diagnosed yearly, but at the same time women are living longer too!

So much on my plate to do and no time to be sick!

Who Needs Fireworks When You Have Thunder & Lightening?

Yes, another mostly cloudy day of thunderstorms, which is also what we have in store for Saturday & Sunday. After all, it is hurricane season and thunderstorms are a big part of the season. But seriously, who needs fireworks when you have thunder that rocks your house? Besides, last year when Mr. Ruben (as the kids call him) put on a fireworks show for the neighborhood kids, the sheriff came by and paid us a nice 'lil visit to let us know that in our Parish fireworks are illegal - however if you drive 20 miles to another Parish it's perfectly ok. So this year no fireworks, ah well. But we're still having a BBQ as it's not raining at the moment, then we'll probably all watch one of many new movies together or perhaps play some Guitar Hero or other video games. New Orleans doesn't really offer much in the way of fireworks shows like Vegas did. The city is still re-building after Hurricane Katrina, and tourism is not what it once was - especially with this economy. It's just as well though, who needs to waste all that money on gas, when you can stay home and have family fun, right?

Oh I also forgot to mention in my random ramblings that I have finally gotten a hold of my brother. He's doing well at both jobs and he's paying his bills and stuff. He's just a little depressed cause he misses our mom and he's lonely cause my other brother & his wife are selfish and refuse to be a part of his life - cause they will be damned if they are left to be responsible for caring for him. I wish that he's just retire from working and come live with here with us, like I have offered a million times. But he's just not ready to give up Vegas yet.

The other thing is that last week I saw bunnies up the road, not near the golf course or clubhouse, but up near the highway where there are swampy, marshy areas. Natalie and I both wonder how they survive when there alligators up there. I dunno where they go when the gators come, but they are obviously smarter than them.

Oh and get this. With all this nasty weather we've been having, Natalie comes in and tells me this story that grandma told her (my mom). She said Grandma would always say that don't be scared of thunderstorms, just think of it as one happy and one mad cloud. The mad cloud is thunder and the happy cloud is lightening. To me that is just too funny that she remembers this little tidbit my mom told her years ago. When I was growing up my mom always told me that thunder was just god bowling, and lightening happened when he got a strike.....hahaha.

Anyway, Happy 4th - Have a safe & happy weekend!

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Random Ramblings

• I took Lexie to the vet today. Luckily she was feeling much better and declared healthy - unfortunately she got several shots, which in itself wouldn't have been too harsh on the pocketbook, but after purchasing 6 month supply of heart worm/flea guard the cost of the visit went through the roof! Still though knowing my baby is healthy is worth it - and people say you can't buy happiness. Well a family pet certainly brings me a lot of happiness and keeping her healthy, and making sure she leads a long, full life is key!
• I despise traffic. The best part of being a SAHM is "missing" out on all that rush hour traffic. But now with daily freaken radiation, I run into quite a bit of traffic all over and on the way home. Along with that sporadic traffic comes a lot of STUPID drivers! UGH! I thought Vegas was bad, but I guess no matter where you go you are bound to run into bad drivers - and it sucks! Not to mention that gassing up both Dodge's is seriously putting a dent in the finances!
• So far radiation is going well. I've had 10 treatments of 35, and so far there have been NO nasty burning side effects that you expect from radiation. That doesn't mean that it won't happen, but I am applying lotion 3 times a day as instructed. All this lotioning up makes me think of Silence of The Lambs and Wild Bill with his lotion. I saw Dr. J my plastic surgeon today and he said things are looking great - told me how he would like to handle things (i.e. pushing, massaging, etc.)
• This weekend I used my huge ass jacuzzi tub for the first time ever - and we've owned this house for a year and a half! I am not kidding when I say that it took over 30 minutes to fill up half-way, 20 to drain - and it was SO BIG that I had to sit sideways to shave my legs cause every time I would lift a leg to soap up I would slip down into the tub. I dunno why I never used this tub before......other than it's ugly color!
• I think I'm addicted to Vitamin Water, irregardless of what those stupid ads say (you know, the ones that say I have to do blah, blah, blah to burn off this water - WHATEVER!) I totally love XXX, Defense, Essential and Formula 50 - besides, I am so in need of all those vitamins now!
• We have Guitar Hero Aerosmith and I can't wait to rock out on it. I truly hope Metallica makes a version!
• This is the last week my mother in law is here. Having her here has been so priceless. Her help so valuable. She has looked after Natalie & myself as if she were my own mother, and for that I love her. What I don't love is the fact that she is on vacation, and she won't go a day without cleaning! I just wish that she would relax and enjoy her time off work, away from home - but I can't change her, just love her the way she is and be thankful for all she has done. My house is never cleaner than it is when she is here. My laundry washed, dried, & folded. Natalie's room clean and organized. Dishes done. She is truly a god-send! My brother in law, who is in Chicago visiting a friend right now comes back this weekend and will be here till mid-September to continue helping out - thank god!

Other than that, life is good at the moment - plus I'm happy that there's no radiation on Friday. Happy 4th of July.....yay!

I Hate Thunderstorms

Damn storms really screwed with my whole radiation schedule. Not only was the machine down Thursday, but it wasn't up on Friday either. That power outage musta really zapped the hell out of something - and what really sucks was that I was mid drive when I found out and I had my mother-in-law and daughter in the car with me. We planned on going to Joann's to buy fabric so she could sew me a few different head scarves. So even though radiation was cancelled I still had to drive into town. Unfortunately I couldn't really postpone the trip either as this is her last week here, and both today & tomorrow I am booked with appointments.

Today I had a follow up with my surgeon Dr. S. She wanted to see how my scar was healing. Things are healing nicely, so I don't need to go back for 3 months. However the last day and a half my dog hasn't been acting well. She's not been eating, she threw up grass, and has just been sad and mopey. Last night I forced some Pepto upon her. I had no problems getting her to drink it, just cleaning up her pink mustache, LOL. Then this morning she still was out of it, and I was told that she was still not eating and wasn't going potty. Must have a stomach blockage, so this morning I forced some Milk of Magnesia and Tylenol upon her. She took it quite well, and by afternoon she was feeling better and finally ate. So tomorrow I take her to the vet for a check up and possibly some shots - then I have radiation - then I meet with Dr. J my plastic surgeon. Yeah fun. Lately I feel like I shouldn't even bother dressing, that I should get my own hospital gown and wear it every where, cause it's not like the appointments will end anytime soon, as I have a list of things to schedule. Oh and I am so tired of all these damn thunderstorms - it stormed like every other hour today! UGH! Hopefully this rain will end soon, or at least not rain during my drive-time!

Hopefully this week won't be as draining on me, and I will be able to blog more =)

Power Outage Ruins Radiation

Today we had lots of thunderstorms, as we've had off and on most of the week. Well it seems that sometime during one of those storms my radiation doctor's office suffered a power outage and the machines went down. Being fickle as they are, the machines required a tech to come out and fix them and get them back online. Of course all this happened while I was on my way there, so I didn't find out till I got there. I wasn't exactly happy to learn I just drove 20 miles for nothing. And depite the machines being down today, I learned that it doesn't change a thing, that I will do 35 treatments no matter what - whether or takes 7 weeks or 14. I just hope the machines are back up tomorrow, or they at least call beforehand and let me know so I don't waste another 1/4 tank of gas!

So while I had the afternoon awake - as radiation makes me so tired. I surfed the net and came across a bewildering picture of my favorite hunkiness. It seems he dropped a lot of weight for a role, but still looks hot despite it. Also many of the commentators on the photo pointed out that while he lost weight, he still looked quite large, giving into the rumors that he is well endowed. Which I can say that since I did in fact watch his sex tape before it was pulled from the internet, that he is indeed so. Yes I know, so naughty of me - but I couldn't help it! Why is it socially acceptable for men to watch porn or get Playboy, but girls are bad if they indulge? I just wish that I had saved the file instead of deleting it. Oh well, guess good ol' fashioned photos will have to do.

So tell me, who is your biggest celeb crush? And what's your thoughts on this photo?

Still Alive

Just thought I'd check in and let you know I'm still alive, just barely able to stay awake! It seems that Radiation is really taking a toll on me. I am always so exhausted - and I've only been through 6 treatments, which means I still have 29 left to go!!! Not helping matters is my damn knee, though it is finally healing (I think.) I'm still hobbling around on a cane - and sometimes it feels ok, and other times I hear it loudly POP then start hurting like hell all over again. It may not be broken, but something is definitely wrong with it!
I went to Sam's over the weekend and bought a super-sized bottle of Glucosamine, Calcium Citrate with Vitamin D and some SAM-e from Walgreen's to help the health of my joints. Hopefully it's never too late to start a regimen, though I think it's pretty safe to say that some damage has already been done. I say that cause my last few bone scans have shown a loss in my bone density. Not a big one, but a gradual loss two years in a row. My biggest problem is taking these huge horse pills. I hate it. I hate taking more pills than I have to, but especially hate taking large ones. They are the ones that seem to upset my stomach the most. No big problems or anything, just a belly ache like you have a stomach full of huge pills. Maybe if I go have a snack it will help some. I'm trying to figure out when is the best time of day to consume them - so far I've tried morning, noon and night and none seem to be the right time, so maybe I should try splitting them up instead of taking them all at once. Any suggestions, cause I really don't want to be some hunched over little lady with weak bones - but man I really, really hate taking supplements!

So on to other things.....have any of you seen the 2nd season for The Two Coreys on A&E. I know there are probably only about 10 viewers besides myself out there. There is a whole lot of speculation going on, as a bombshell was dropped on the first episode that Haim was molested or raped by a friend of Feldman's - who claims that he was also being molested by another person around the same time. It sounds like these two did it all together - molestation, drugs, movies. The blogs are on fire thinking that Michael Jackson had something to do with one, if not both cases - but no names were given as to who did what. I'm wondering if it will come out now that it is national news, or if they will keep the secret for another 20+ years. Yeah I know it's pathetic of me to watch - but what can I say, I had such a crush on Haim as a teenager. In fact I think I still do though he's seen better (and far worse) days! I guess some girls never get over there first celeb crushes =) Besides I still hold hope that he will make a comeback. I may be the only one, but look at Robert Downey Jr. and what he's been through - and now he's back bigger than aver after Iron Man. People make mistakes, it's only human. Everyone deserves a second chance. So I guess that means I root for the underdog, ah well, someone has to!

Well today after treatment I should meet with the doc. Supposedly I will see him once a week through-out treatment. Unfortunately Ruben won't be able to make it to the appoinment cause he left this morning to do some work out of town. I'm not really sure where he went - Shreveport, Gulfport, Baton Rouge....I'm not sure. He tells me these things when I'm half asleep, so I don't ever remember. But I'm hoping to find out what exactly the doctor saw on my scans, and maybe get some answers regarding my treatment and what medication I should be taking if any. I'll keep you posted on what I find out!

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32 More to go

Here I am, day 3 of 35 daily radiation treatments for 7 weeks. Starting with day 1 I was exhausted after receiving my whole 5 minute treatment. Making matters worse is my right knee which I twisted about 3 weeks ago. After limping around in pain I decided it wasn't healing as fast as it should, and made an appointment to see an Orthopedic Surgeon on Friday prior to radiation as the doctor's office is near my treatment facility. I'm tired of limping around or being 34 and having to use a cane for assistance. My knee is swollen and is twice as big as my other, so something is definitely wrong!

Ruben has been taking me to my treatments all this week while he is off on vacation. I'm so thankful his mom is here to help, as I am so tired by time we get home. I often take a quick nap between dinner and bed.

Anyway, here's a picture of the radiation machine.

I posted others on Flickr for you to check out. Now I'm heading to bed before I pass out!

A Belated Tribute to Father's Day

Late Saturday evening, Ruben's mom braved all the nasty turbulent weather to fly in from Vegas. We had been experiencing local thunderstorms off and on all through-out the day. I'm sure it didn't help her flight any. After picking out her luggage, we loaded up the truck and ran over to Sonic to grab a burger, as we all skipped dinner. By time we got home, ate, and caught up a bit - it was well past midnight and time to hit the sack.

Sunday Ruben, the family, and I enjoyed sleeping in just a tad. Once I got up, I grabbed the pork chops out of the freezer so they could start defrosting. I also gathered together all the ingredients needed to make mashed taters, country gravy, and fried green beans with bacon and onions. I had also bought a yellow cake mix and chocolate frosting, so Natalie could bake daddy her first cake. With the exception of slimy eggs, she really enjoyed her first baking experience - not to mention that the cake was a solid hit with every one! Since she did so good for her first time, I have special brownies with sprinkles that I will let her make some other night. As always there are pictures from the days events located on Flickr.

After dinner and cleaning up, Ruben and I played Guitar Hero on the 360. We downloaded some new music for GH II and GH III to practice/play till the Aerosmith version becomes available. I'll tell you some songs were hard even set on easy.....especially the Ozzy songs!

So that was our Father's Day Weekend. Ruben bought some RC parts (tires, shicks, rods, etc) for his 4 trucks and his new car online. That's what he wanted, and it's not something I can buy for him cause I don't know jack about those kind of parts!

His momma also brought us gifts. He got 2 colognes, but I don't remember what they were. She brought me Vera Wang & Gucci. the women knows me! I love perfume and have a giant collection taking up the whole surface of my chest of drawers. I love having a variety - and I'm a perfume whore. I think it's something I picked up from Ruben cause he has quite a collection of cologne! Yeah I know, this was Ruben's weekend - but she always brings gifts for us when she comes to visit. It's kind of funny cause I had also bought her a bottle of Guess Silver perfume, and this awesome peppermint foot massaging gel to revive tired feet. I figured she could use it because she stands on her feet all day at work!

Right now Ruben & his mom ran out to the store to stock up on milk and stuff to eat. He's planning on being home in time to accompany me to my very first radiation appointment - which I need to start getting ready for real soon. My radiation is set for 3pm every day. I'm both very excited and nervous about it. Wish me luck and enjoy the pix!

Finally The Wait Is Over

Yesterday I had my Chest CT Scan (both with & without contrast). I had to fast prior to the test, so afterwards I stopped at the hospital cafe and ate. Big mistake! It was awful tasting. Just a big waste of money. After leaving the hospital, I dropped off 2 comforters to be cleaned, filled up the Durango, and got it detailed. By time I got home I was beat. I sat down on my bed and literally passed out. That nuclear medicine they inject you with is something else. Kinda made me mad cause I missed the first half of the Lakers game. All that extra sleep messed me up anyway, causing me to wake up much too early this morning. With too much time on my hands, it left me up to no good - searching for old friends, or long lost relatives.....which isn't an easy task when you don't quite remember people's names or they have unlisted information. It's something I have done from time to time beginning with my 1st cancer, when chemo wiped my mind, and more often since my mother's death. Do you know how awkward it is to call a number that doesn't belong to who you thought it did? But it's hard to keep in touch when you move every 2 years - not to mention when the people you are trying to locate move every few years! Every now and then I get lucky and score, but more often I don't. So yeah I spent too much time surfing, but I was awaiting a call from Dr. L's office to let me know what my recent scan results were. It appears my results were ok, but I won't get the whole story till I see him. So I'm still not sure what he saw, and if it was indeed a lymph node. Hopefully I will find out more next week - that's when I start my daily radiation treatments for 7 weeks. I'm both nervous and excited about Monday, as I've never done radiation before. Then once I complete that treatment it's off to chemo. Luckily Ruben's mom comes in tomorrow night for 3 whole weeks. I can't wait; with losing my own mom I need her more than anything. Plus it sure will help when I'm exhausted from radiation and don't feel like cooking - when all I want to do is take a nap!

A Daughter Never Forgets

To my Mother who I love and miss more than words can say, Happy 62nd Birthday.

Since July 2006, the days leading up to June 10th - as well as the time between now and July 20th, are seemingly difficult for me, as it is the time I most regularly think about my mom and her passing. It's not to say I don't often think about these days, as some days I think about them daily; and others, like now, I think about it all constantly. I know they say with time all wounds heal, but it seems for me, time just can't come fast enough. I think one of the biggest factors in it all was how suddenly she became ill and passed. Also how her HMO took so long to approve a liver transplant, not giving the okay till she was too ill to travel for the work-up - then she passed just 2 weeks later. Yeah, I hold a lot of grudges when it comes to her death. Grudges because she was taken too early. Grudges that she didn't have a *proper* memorial service. Grudges I don't know if I will ever be able to let go of. But can you blame me? After all, a daughter never forgets.

I love you mom.

Unexpected Problems

I just got a call from Dr. L, there has been a slight problem and my starting of radiation this week is being delayed. Last week I was there getting my specialized CAT scan, getting inked and ready for radiation. But now he is saying that they compared that scan (that was done without any IV contrast or anything) to the scan I had done prior to surgery (that included IV contrast) - and changes appeared on one scan that wasn't on the other, so now I have to go back in and have another scan done with IV contrast to find out what is going on. I asked him what he meant by "changes". He said it appears to be a lymph node. I asked, well don't I normally have lymph nodes in my chest area. He agreed, but said he's concerned why it was on one, but not the other, stating that it could just be a sign of infection. Just prior to my first scan, I had been on some antibiotics to help clear up the acne on my face.
This past week my mind has run rapid - I've been sitting here thinking that if this cancer really has been festering over the last 3 years, how are they so sure it hasn't spread through-out my body. And now I worry that this lymph node, may be my worst dream coming true. Then again it could be absolutely nothing. Maybe it's because over the last several days I've become increasingly more stressed out and my face is starting to show it, so I called in my refill on those antibiotics so they can get to clearing up my face before it gets any worse. Many things have just been compounding, and my child getting slapped by a neighborhood boy certainly didn't help matters any - nor does my constant phone problems or the fact that tomorrow would've been my mom's 62nd birthday, and the 2nd anniversary of her death is quickly nearing. It's these things, along with many more that have me so stressed out and feeling so lost and lonely right now. I once again feel like I am in a very dark place right now, sometimes getting so upset that I can barely breathe before tears finally break. I miss all my friends, and can't wait for time to pass and for things to be normal once more.
Also this whole lymph node possibility has me concerned for more than just a possible infection. Aside from the possibility of the disease spreading is the fact that my mom battled on-going issues with her lymph nodes. Her doctors once thought she had Lymphoma which is a type of cancer. They were always checking hers as they went from large to extra-large in size. In the end nothing was ever found to support the idea, but the following year she turned around and passed away from end stage liver cirrhosis.
If you're not familiar with lymph nodes and the lymph system, know that they are there to help your body transport nutrients and collect waste - and that they often do swell when diseases are present or are fighting an infection. So really it's very hard to tell what is causing this and if any of it really means anything. Yet at the same time knowing this doesn't help to keep you from stressing about it and wondering if a node biopsy will be needed.
All I can do is wait and see. I will keep you posted.

How do you deal with kids & their drama?

Ever since moving here it seems we're constantly facing an uphill battle when it comes to neighborhood kids and the melodrama that accompanies them - and I'm just not sure how to handle it!
Usually when Natalie and her friends are having problems getting along, I usually just tell them to chill out and work things out for themselves. I try not to involve myself too much for many reasons, 1 being that the kids need to learn how to play well with one another and solve their own problems, and 2 that as a newcomer myself to this neighborhood, I feel that I don't have solid, secure friendships with all or even most parents. I don't want to make a rift with others, which is why I often put up with nerve-wrecking, cry-baby, tattle-tale behavior from kids on the block. The only time I really get involved is when Ruben and I have just had enough bickering or when there is a fight, and someone is left crying cause they are hurt. Which is to say that we REALLY tolerate A LOT! I do this so that I can gain friendship for myself, as well as for my child. I don't want her to be the neighborhood outcast! Trying to fit in with new neighbors is NOT an easy task. I find that when I'm not keeping to myself, I am going out of my way to say thanks or buy expensive gifts just so my child can fit in and have playmates. I even bite my tongue when I see how certain kids regularly use her for the things we have, and abuse her at times by being out-right mean. Sometimes just sitting and idly watching can be so heart-wrenching for me, because she truly does not deserve the way she is treated at times. As if that weren't bad enough, I often hear kids making rude comments to her, asking if she will end up being fat like her me, or other people pointing out qualities as if she's the only kid on the block that has them. You don't see me telling others that their kids are constant tattle-tales or crybabies - nor telling the kids to stop coming over just to use her for her material possessions. My guess is that parents will always see their child as an angel, who can do no wrong so they always place the blame on others. Well if only those parent really knew how their kid behaves when not at home! I know my child is no angel, and in no way innocent - but I also know that it always takes two to tango, this is something I've witnessed for myself and have even been out-right lied to by other kids as they are trying to save their ass.
But in spite of it all I often find myself wondering why she is singled out, why some people behave the way they do around her, why she is excluded from certain activities or rules, but mostly just how to cope with all the drama without punishing the few good friends she has, or herself.
Luckily next week Grandma will be here visiting for 3 weeks which means she will be spending most time inside away from others - and shortly after she leaves, our new neighbors and their 4 kids will be moving in and she will be making more friends, which I hope will go smoothly.
Tell me, what advice do you have for me regarding these issues other than moving, as that's really not an option since I love my house so much! Please let me know your thoughts on this subject as I could really use some help here!

Random Thoughts

Boy I have so much stuff running through my head, I'm anxious to get started, but don't know where and want to make sure I cover everything.

• I had my specialized CAT scan yesterday and got 2 little black ink "jailhouse" tats. After the test and reading over the report, my doctor came in with some help and the poured black ink on certain areas then stuck me with a needle, thus making the ink go deep within my skin. I showed Ruben when I had gotten home, and the marks are barely recognizable. I sure the docs can see & find them for radiation - which I am supposed to start sometime next week as my first week of 6 or 7 daily treatments.
• Speaking of tattoos - I had a dream what I want the next one to be - and I plan on drawing it myself. On my ankle above the rose band my mom picked out for me when I first moved to Vegas in like 95, I want to get a heart with wings that says mom and a banner that runs on each side behind it that has her birthdate on one side and the day she died on the other. I still want that pink ribbon on my hand or something on the back of my neck, but Ruben's not happy about the thought of a 6th or more tattoo. He thinks 5 is enough and I should grow up. I say NEVER!
• Along with the dream of that design, I also dreamt up how I'd like to build onto our house - adding a room above the garage (our master closet accesses the attic space there, so the doors are in place) so we could use that room to put all of our exercise equipment in (treadmill, weight machine, and elliptical that is all in our bedroom - not like it is hurting for space in here though) or make it the new studio area for our office & scrap stuff - freeing up the 4th bedroom to use as another guest room. In addition I would also like to build another garage next to ours, so Ruben can park in it, with a studio type room above in case my brother ever decides to move here, or for my mother in law to retire in. I'd like to leave a slight breezeway between the two garages for a gate going into the backyard - remove all the huge overgrown trees and put in a pool. Now we just need to hit the lotto jackpot! We've already got probably the biggest house sq. foot wise, as we have nearly 4,000 sq. feet - but adding these features would make our house ginormous with plenty of room to spare and put our house in the 1/2 to 3/4 mil range. but then again, as much as I would LOVE to do this, Ruben is approaching his 2 year mark in this job, and we've never stayed in one place longer than two years!
• OMG, have you tried Wii Fit? Here we have all this exercise equipment, and I'm instead using Wii Fit. I hope that shit REALLY works! It must cause I can tell you that you walk away hurting. Try Super Hula Hoops and see if your hips don't hurt afterwards! But I love all the yoga, balance, aerobics and strength training activities it has.
• In other game news we also bought Indiana Jones Lego - which is fun, yet hard, and The Bourne Conspiracy game which I have yet to play. It's on my to play list today after Wii Fit! Oh I'm also very impatiently awaiting Guitar Hero Aeromsith. I hear that Metallica plans to do a franchise of the game as well and I can't wait for it!
• I just realized that I forgot my nephew's birthday. Now that there are two of them I can never seem to remember. He enters middle school next year which makes me feel hella old!
• So, I *think* I may have finally solved my problems and gotten vindication from AT&T. I got my replacement phone and still had the same issues as soon as we swapped everything out. Ruben tested the SIM card and mine wouldn't register in his phone. So I called AT&T, they gave me a $80 credit to re-download all my ringtones and buy a new SIM card......I'm still a little upset cause Paralyzer by Finger Eleven is no longer an available ringtone. But in addition to that, when I went into a new store yesterday to get my SIM card I got it for free, yet still experienced appalling customer service ( I was ignored, told I was wrong in a very smart-ass way, waited & wasted over 40 minutes with the manager) so once I had enough I asked for the regional manager's number. This time the guy gave me the correct number allowing me to complain about Johnny and the service I had just gotten. in turn she called the store back and I got a free $90 handsfree clip-on visor bluetooth speaker accessory. Plus she took names and she's kicking ass. Finally someone that values loyal customers!
• Oh and in other news - I may be coming as a headline near you soon. Trusera wants to highlight me in a press release and wanted to know if I would be interested in talking with the media. I am so stoked! This could be the next step in inking a book deal about Breast Cancer for me. Wish me luck. I will keep y'all posted when it happens, so stay tuned. Also this month marks my last month of my contract with them - but still I'm doing quite well with my contract for answering questions on MyBreastCancerNetwork.com - come see me there and ask any questions you might have about Breast Cancer!

Okay, well I think that about covers everything. I'm off to play Wii Fit and see if I lost another 3 lbs.

Ups, Downs & All Arounds

Yesterday I met with my new Radiation Oncologist (I tell you I have so many doctors now with more to come that I may have to start referring to them as Dr. J-plastic surgeon, Dr. S-breast/general surgeon, Dr. R-pain management spec., Dr. L-radiation oncologist, & Dr B-medical oncologist!) While there we went over my treatment and other important issues. It looks like I will be doing 6 to 7 weeks of DAILY radiation after all - and STILL following up with chemotherapy when finished, though I don't yet know for how long. It's pretty much what I already figured - this year is shot! I go Thursday to get ANOTHER CAT Scan of my chest, one used specifically for radiation purposes. I don't know if they will end up tattooing little black dots on my chest where my internal markers are located or not. I'm not looking forward to any of it, though it's not for fear - just inconvenience.
Driving into town 5 days a week just so I can do 5 minutes of radiation? I'm not looking forward to paying $100 to fill up each car every week! Gas is nearing $4 and really, it is about time our dumb-ass President does something about it. I read about talks of drilling somewhere north-west; how we have enough oil produced here yet we export it; how we set the cost based on some International committee; how people in Venezuela only pay 12cents a gallon! Seriously it's time someone actually DID something. He had the balls to start this war, so why not over-turn the country to use the oil for ourselves as there isn't a real, effective solution, as we are still years away from perfected ethanol & true hybrid technology! Enough about politics, I hate them, so having to discuss them just further pisses me off!
So after my appointment, I decided to check on my brother. It has been weeks since I've heard from him. He works two jobs, and it's hard finding the time to connect. I meant to call him this weekend, but as always, time just slips away. So I called his cell and got this weird message, almost as if it is no longer in service. Great, he's living in Budget Sleaze and I can't reach him to check on him and make sure all is okay. If only my ex-piece of shit - step-dad would do his JOB and actually care for him I wouldn't be FORCED into this situation. No, the drunk is too busy with his new sleaze, I mean squeeze to care about much else, other than beer and smokes. If only my mother knew the truth, I'm sure she would have done things so much differently! Because of this jackass, while I go through radiation this summer, I will also be seeing a Probate Attorney regarding her will and his lack of concern for carrying out her wishes. Good thing it states that if he fails as an Executor, that I can take his place regarding her estate - the one he is drinking through instead of caring for my mentally challenged brother! Anyway, back to my brother. Since I cannot reach him I decide that maybe I should call my other brother to see if he even knew my brother moved, or even cared for that matter! SO I call the number that I THOUGHT was his cell phone. His bitch ass wife Tina, answers. I say Hi Tina I thought this was Bobby's cell; She says WHO is this. I say HIS sister. The bitch then hangs up on me. She has some set of balls, actually the pair belonging to my brother. She then proceeds to take the phone off the hook for the next hour. I finally get through again, but she's too chicken shit to answer. My guess is they still have creditors calling and harassing them, as they've never been one to pay their bills on time. Once upon a time they ruined my credit when I co-signed on a house that they let go into foreclosure - and I know they practically relied on my mom's help just to get groceries or have the electricity turned back on. Yes I know, the pure definition of white trash - what do you expect from druggies? So once I get through, the call goes to the machine (which doesn't have names on it because they don't want the creditors to know if they called the right place) so I leave a very nasty message on it, letting her know what a bitch I think she is. I'll try calling again when I know my brother is there, and see if he has the balls to answer. Ya know I often wonder why most the men in my family are pieces of shit. Is it just me and my family, or is it the testosterone that make men this way? Hopefully one day soon I'll be able to fly back to Vegas and take care of things as they should be. But right now that's just not an option as M-F I will be tied up with radiation, then the doctor warned me of all the side effects like exhaustion, fatigue, coughing or possible lung damage - great I hardly have strength now with all the pain I have in my feet, ankles, knees, hips and back. It's a good thing that Ruben's little brother is here to help out this summer!
I'm even thinking to conserve gas, when Ruben is in town, I may just hitch a ride with him to work, take my laptop, find an empty desk and sit there when I'm not in treatment.
Such fun summer plans. It really sucks ass, as I want something better for my child. It's not fair that her summer has been ruined as well.
I think I'll head downstairs now and play some Guitar Hero and unwind!

New Pix

Hey y'all - yesterday was our neighbor's birthday party. Natalie had a blast and actually tired out pretty quickly from all the swimming. Nina had lots of food and awesome punch. Seems everyone enjoyed themselves, including myself.
I was standing there as we were getting ready to sing Happy Birthday, and this woman approached me and asked are you Mrs. so and so. I said yeah, not quite sure who knew my last name. Turns out I know her from my fabulous plastic surgeon's office. She told me once she lived near the school my daughter attends, but I had NO idea that our kids ran in the same circle. It was great seeing her and talking with her. I'm sure she will pass along my good news to my plastic surgeon. It's funny bumping into each other like that. I made sure she had my phone number, so anytime she wants to get the kids together to play or even if she wants to run out and play bingo or grab a drink, she can get a hold of me. I'm one lucky person having all the support around here that I do. We have great neighbors/ friends who are actually there for me if I need something.
Anyway, I posted over 230 pictures from the party on Flickr. Enjoy!

Have YOU gotten your Stimulus check yet?

I am so friggen mad about this whole Economic Stimulus Check. First off the IRS reduced our amount to be received by 5% because we went over the max gross income amount. As if we REALLY make THAT much - part of that income was from moving here. Ruben's company offers moving allowance packages that cover rent, cost of living as well as other things. It wasn't money we truly got to spend and enjoy - but because we closed on our house here in Dec. 06 it was too late for them to put the amount on his 2006 W-2, so instead it all went on the 2007 one, therefore screwing up this whole Stimulus thing! So anyway, we were supposed to get our reduced amount on May 9th - here is May 29th and no check, no deposit. I call the IRS and now I'm being told it should be direct deposited on June 6th. That's nearly a month after we were supposed to get it. But at least the 6th is just a week away, unless of course they post-pone things once again.
A good friend of my mom's sent me this email, and it is so, so true.......

As you know, the Bush Administration said that most of us will get a check to stimulate the economy.

If we spend that money at Wal-Mart, all the money will go to China.
If we spend it on gasoline it will go to the Arabs.
If we purchase a computer it will go to India.
If we purchase fruits and vegetables it will go to Mexico, Honduras, and Guatemala.
If we purchase a good car it will go to Japan.
If we purchase useless junk it will go to Taiwan.
None of this will help the American economy.
We need to keep that money here in America!
The only way to do that is to spend it at yard sales, since those are the only businesses still in the US.

Post Surgical School's Out Update

So here I am, 5 days post op. Things are well. My surgery went well. I woke up in recovery, my throat hurting cause they had to shove a tube down it during surgery. Going into it I had a stuffy nose and couldn't hardly breath. Damn allergies. Having a tube shoved down your throat is the worst! Aside from my throat hurting like hell, I found my neck hurt as well. It's pretty bad when you go into surgery for breast cancer and your neck where they ran tubing for the port-a-cath that's placed in my left upper chest, hurts more than the incision made in my right breast! I know that ultimately the port-a-cath will make things easier for chemo, but man is it uncomfortable and painful. I guess it's because they had to run the tube up my neck instead of using a vein in my chest, like they did last time. But at least my breast incision doesn't hurt, the surgeon didn't take more than what was necessary and she left the expander in place. But perhaps the best news yet was from the doctor herself. She called this afternoon wanting to let me know my pathology came back on the tissue she removed and the margin WERE CLEAR on it! Awesome, yeah? I go in to see her on Friday for a follow up, but so far things are good. I'm not sure, but I think she placed some kind of "markers" on my chest muscle for the radiation therapy. I'm not sure when I'll start treatment - hell I haven't even seen a radiation oncologist yet, but she's been in touch with my medical oncologist, plastic surgeon and some radiation oncologist that she's been referred to. I love that she is willing to communicate with ALL of my doctors. So anyway, the surgery was a success, we just got to hope the rest of the treatment is as well!

In other events, Sunday our neighbors held a block party for Memorial Day. All the kids swam, while the rest of us ate. Each person brought some item of food for the party. Since I wasn't feeling up to cooking, being just 3 days post op - Ruben made his specialty for everyone: Carne Asada. Needless to say it was a big hit. Although the neighbors who hosted the party couldn't believe how much we brought. They said to bring an appetizer, side or dessert and Ruben brought 17lbs of meat. After he told me how much he spent I thought my god does the Mexican store here rip you off! We would've never paid that much for it in Vegas! Shit do they make it out of Filet Mignon? Cause for flank or skirt steak, $6 a pound is a bit excessive! But in any case the party was awesome. We met lots of neighbors we didn't even know. I couldn't hang long, being so close to post-op, and I couldn't swim either - which is fine cause no one needs to see my fat boobless ass in a swim suit any way! When I left they had a pretty good game of pool volleyball going on. Natalie had a blast, and of course I have lots of pictures from the day posted on Flickr - I also have pictures from theme school days, though Natalie missed one (beach day cause she had a bad sunburn - she was on antibiotics and spent a bit too long in the sun) the other day I didn't get pictures cause I had surgery and missed taking them. There are also pictures from Ruben's car accident - some lady slammed into his truck on his way to work. It happened just before getting on the bridge, and right in front of cops. Stupid bitch was on the phone - but at least very little damage was done to his truck, unlike her car.

Other than that, not much else is going on here. Natalie is out of school for summer, today was her last day. Ruben's mom will be visiting mid-June. It will be nice to have her here for a visit, though I seriously wish it was my mom. God do I miss her. Hard to believe this July will be 2 years! I wish my sister could come out to visit - but it wouldn't be much fun now with me being sick and facing treatment. She deserves a good tour around New Orleans. Maybe one day soon!

So how do you like my new blog banner and title? Made it myself. Though I liked the other, I just found that since the cancer returned it just wasn't really fitting anymore. Maybe one day I will change it back when I get the "all clear."

The Night Before

Well here it is, the night before the big day. Things have just not went well the last few days!
Tuesday I had an MRI schedule so the surgeon could get a better idea of what to expect before she cut me open. Well after getting to the hospital, filling out the paperwork, and waiting forever, I find out that I can't have an MRI done as long as I have these expanders in my chest. You see these expanders hold a small piece of metal in them - that's how the doctor finds the spot in which he puts the needle for the saline injections. So with that plan shot, I called the doc to find out what's next. Her staff hauled ass to get me an appointment today for a CAT Scan of my chest.
So today I went back to the hospital for my appointment with Radiology. It took a bit to get things rolling, but I will have to say that they had this one person who just rocked the IV. It's the first time I can ever recall not having to be poked twice - and I handled it all without a shot of lidocaine! Plus I really have to say that having the IV and getting the contrast was a million times better than drinking that crap they usually shove down your throats! Once I got on the table it took no time at all. So after I finished up, I headed downstairs to get something to eat. When I was done and I was heading to the car to leave, I noticed that my cell phone was missing. I panicked bad! Radiology was closed, so I couldn't check there until a Security Guard came to open the doors. Well it was no where in there to be found. I ran back downstairs and found it under the table I ate at. Oh thank goodness! I checked and found I had a missed call from my surgeon's office, but it was past closing time. I called the emergency number, where they told me that she wasn't on call. I explained to them that I had no idea if I was supposed to have surgery tomorrow or not. Luckily they got a hold of her and called me back. She was able to get the results from the CAT Scan and scheduled surgery for 9:15 am. However I did not get a chance to go over the scan results, so I'm not sure if we will be able to stick with our original plan, but I'm sure I will get to talk with her tomorrow before surgery actually begins at 11:30.

Also I found some articles I wanted to share, but time is just getting away from me and as it is I will have to shower in the morning before going. There just isn't enough time in the day - that and I just have too many thoughts swimming in my head. Like I never told you that the week before last Ruben was rear-ended. Luckily his truck is alright, but man did the women ef up her car. And she slammed into him right in front of the cops! She was driving while on the phone, so what can you say. I also have pix I wanna share from Nat's special dress days at school. I also need to scan in her spring school picture. but it will have to wait till another day. I'm tired and ready to call it quits.

Oh and one more thing, did you see A.I.? I am SOOOOOOOOOOOO glad David Cook won. ok well I will check back in after my surgery when I am feeling up to it, till then be good = )