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1.02.2007

Is there hope for a better tomorrow?

Here it is just the 2nd day into the new year and I'm already questioning if 2007 will be any better than 2006. Ruben received word today that a good friend that he worked with in the Vegas office is dying of cancer - as if that's not enough to bring about another round of cancer-phobia, yesterday we took the day off from painting to relax at home and watch some movies. One of the movies I caught on HBO on Demand happened to be The Family Stone. At first it turned out to be somewhat funny - An uptight, conservative, businesswoman accompanies her boyfriend to his eccentric and outgoing family's annual Christmas celebration and finds that she's a fish out of water in their free-spirited way of life. Basically the family hates her, and she calls her sister to come join her at the inn. It later plays out that the mother is ill, and while they never really say what it is, they just mention she is "sick again" and "worse than before" and in one scene they flash a scar over her breast. As the movie ends, the uptight woman is ends up with the pot-head brother and her ex ends up with her sister, and it's Christmas again, but Mom is gone.....and that was the real kicker for me. I'm always constantly reminded of the risk of my own mortality from breast cancer and it scares the shit out of me....then add to it that my own Mother only lived to 60 and I sometimes think or feel like I only have a little more than 27 years left, and I'm so terrified by that thought. I don't want to die too young, and I don't want to grow too old. All of this really has me wondering, it's been so long since I've been to the oncologist, I just can't help but to think, what if it has come back? I freak out at every little bump I feel, and I'm at the point where I can't tell a bump from a lump and cannot remember what it originally felt like - but what if it isn't even in my breast, what if it somehow has come back and is now in my lungs or liver - which would be the first place it would spread - how would I ever know? It's not like I can feel a lump there. Maybe I'm just being a major hypochondriac, but I feel that when dealing with cancer, you've always got to be on your toes so it can be diagnosed as soon as possible if you want any chance at making a recovery. So all of this has lead me to one decision - I have to have my other breast removed. I think it's the only way I will get any piece of mind. So that's my big to do this year. As soon as we move in to our new house later this month, my top priority will be seeing a plastic surgeon to have it removed and discuss reconstruction. I also need to get in with an oncologist, and a pain management doctor again......and get back on track to losing weight. This year I have regained about 15 lbs. of the 90 lbs. I lost - just enough to make my pants feel uncomfortable, and while I have tried my usual tactics, they haven't worked and I'm being told it's because of my lack of hormones now. Without hormones it will be increasingly difficult for me to lose any weight. Thank goodness I get back my elliptical machine at the end of the month when we get our things out of storage! And hopefully I will get all those things before my license expires on my birthday (the 26th) cause my birth certificate is one of those items packed up and in storage and I need it to get a new driver's license! While we have lots on our to do list for our house in 2007, I have to make my health number one, cause I want to be here to celebrate many more New Year's.

On a side note, just 2 more days till my baby turns 7. I feel so old (24 days till I'm 33)!!!!! Also, that will mean in 28 days we'll celebrate 7 years of marriage (yes baby came first) although we've been together for a lot longer. It almost feels like a lifetime. Wow, the milestones we've made. I love you honey, I don't think I would be here today without you!

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Hey Ang,
Although I havent personally battled cancer as you have, I have that fear that everytime there is something a little off, its all over. I had to go for a colposcopy last week, and when I got the call to schedule it, I freaked out completely. Im quickly approaching the age that my mother was when she died...she was 35, and I will be 33 in February. So in some ways, I relate to the way you feel.

Shannon said...

Oops! That comment was from me! I forgot to add my name!