Flickr Pictures

ScrapAddict74. Get yours at bighugelabs.com/flickr

10.05.2008

Deep in a Funk

The last few weekends I have been feeling really great thanks to our new neighbors. I've finally acquired more energy since radiation ended and to top it off, I've even been venturing outside of my safety zone - which is a HUGE deal for me! BUT - I woke up this morning and realized I'm kinda sinking back into my old funk. Over the last few days or so some things have happened that have gotten me upset, and I find myself feeling depressed once again. I'm hoping it will pass - but I'm thinking that even if I do work myself out of this funk, the events that put me here will still remain - leaving me prone to easily fall back into the funk again should something happen again.
Ruben says I am just being sensitive - and he's partially right. My big thing is that I have really put myself out there and I have tried so hard to be nice, and to make friends. I have offered my help and whatnot to others - and what I have received in return is basically squat - some have blown me off, or turned their backs on me, and some even seemed to just reject me and my help. With some it's like I have to force a conversation with them - like they don't want to talk to me, others seem to run hot and cold....friendly one minute, not so much the next. Some act as though I am beneath them....which is silly, but it still hurts nonetheless. It's kinda like high school once again. But you know what? Regardless of how they "act" all superior to me, it doesn't matter to me if they don't see me as being fit or beautiful or that they think they are better cause I'm just a jeans and t-shirt kinda person. I must say I'm pretty damn comfortable with myself and my life. I went through that period when I bought all the expensive, nice clothes and I had to have lots of new beautiful jewelry - the mani's and pedi's and expensive highlighted beautiful hair. But then I came to a point in my life when those things just didn't matter that much to me anymore. My values changed, and so did I, I guess. It doesn't mean that I don't value or respect myself. It's just that I value my comfort more. I'm not totally vain (though I do have bouts where I am! LOL), and I surely don't need or want to come off as ostentatious, or pretentious - I'm trying to make friends or keep the ones I have, not offend everyone. I have nearly all I could ever want or need in my family and the many wonderful things we have- and there is no reason whatsoever for me to be parading it around for all to see. I'm just not that kind of person. I just happen to be a very down-to-earth, reserved person - who's very friendly and loyal once you get to know me - and this whole thing just has me feeling depressed, like I'm just not good enough for any of them - yet they don't even know *me*, and it hurts!!!!
Or maybe like Ruben says, I'm just being overly sensitive and I'm reading too much into things and blowing things out of proportion. He says to just give it time - that eventually my true friends will come forward, like they have in the past - and hopefully my neighbors will continue to come through for me to cheer me up in the meantime. What do you think? In the past I couldn't have cared less about this type of stuff - whether someone liked me or what others thought about me - but all my real friends live so far away so there's that time difference, plus they work during the day......I would like some other people in my life other than my family. But is it worth trying so hard? Or maybe I'm just picking the wrong type of people to be friends with....

5 comments:

Shannon said...

It always seems as though its not acceptable to be a "tshirt and jeans" kind of person. Im the exact same way. You always see stuff on TV telling you how you should have a make over and dress classy even when you go to the grocery store. Im sorry...not my thing!
I can relate to how you are feeling...I often think people don't accept me or can't be bothered with me, and yet I can't figure out if it was something that I did or if they just can't be bothered. Its hard to "mourn" those friendships that you thought were worth hanging on to and then realize they aren't.
Hang in there! :-)

LoraLoo said...

I'm sorry you're in a funk - considering what you've been through and are going through it's totally understandable.

Who cares if you're a t-shirt and jeans girl? I am too... screw 'em if they don't like it. Prada doesn't say who you are!

Angi said...

thanks girls - it's nice to know that through the miles we still remain friends. gotta love how the internet brings people closer.

maybe I'm all super sensitive cause of this cancer crap and not having an answer yet. sitting waiting for test results suck. I'm sure the stress certainly isn't making any of it easier.
or maybe half the problem is just that women are catty bitches and most thrive on drama - lord knows I'm definitely a bitch. I gave up trying to be a people pleaser long ago, so why should I attempt being one now - right?
thanks for making me feel better!

Heather said...

I'm the same way here. Jeans and T-shirts all the way. That's even what I teach in. I don't dress up. My only concession to vanity is that my toenails must always be painted. LOL I guess that's because I live in flip flops.

I'm sorry that people aren't being nice to you. I know it's so hard to move far away from your friends and family. I hope things get better soon!!!

Shannon said...

Yup...women suck! Always drama no matter what! The older I get, the less I want to have people around me...as sad as that sounds, I just don't have the energy for them! LOL

Hope you are feeling a bit better!