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4.12.2009

Checkin' In

Here it is almost a week post-op. The pain has lessened considerably over the last few days. I have weird pain in my right arm depending on how I move it - it hurts to try to raise my arm or straighten it. I am uncomfortable every single second cause of these damn drain tubes. I cannot wait for them to be removed. They've finally slowed down enough that maybe they can be pulled tomorrow. I'm looking forward to being able to lay on my side again. With the pain these tubes cause it's really difficult to focus on much else, and to be honest none of my incisions really hurt much. The drains have stitches right there to hold the tubing in place, so with each move my skin is tugging at those stitches and it hurts like hell. The incisions on my chest concern me a bit. They are a little lumpy - puckered. Obviously my chest is swollen post-op, and until my incisions heal none of it will look right. I'm worried that I set my hopes too high. I'm worried I set myself up for disappointment. Things will never be the same, and I know and accept that (I think) - I just worry that I've went through all this pain for nothing. I currently have the biggest implants approved, yet they are only a fraction of the size they need to be. I feel flat chested, like I don't have anything. I'm worried that I'll never be happy with my post-op results. I think in my head I just pictured that reconstruction surgery would make it almost like cancer never happened or something and that's just not a realistic approach. All I can do is wait it out, time will tell ultimately what I look like post reconstruction - and I just need to be patient and remind myself that results do vary greatly, that things will never be the same, and the most important thing of all is that I am alive. It's hard when you've thought about this day for the last 4 years. I worry that just as I am getting out of a depressive funk, the results will set me back. I don't want to be depressed again. So for now I just breathe, and hope for the best. I know that the sooner I get these tubes pulled the sooner I will be feeling better. I see my surgeon on Wednesday, maybe then I can get an idea of how long till I am healed. Hope for the best....

3 comments:

Lisa Larson said...

Angi,

You've finally reached the end of the journey...reconstruction is something in my near future & I also believe my expectations are too high. Thank you for being so honest. It helps me to accept what I will be facing in 3 weeks.

As always, I'm sending (gentle) hugs & prayers your way.

-Lisa

Heather said...

I'm glad you posted! I was getting worried! I'm praying that you heal quickly and that you have the results you want! Big hugs.

Nik said...

I'll keep you in my thoughts and hope this turns out exactly as you hope. Glad you got those damn tubes out, still can't imagine how damn annoying that must have been.