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Decoding Dreams?

Ever had a really weird or unusual dream and woke up feeling scared, hurt, or wanting to know what it all meant? Seems I have odd dreams all the time. Actually, the dreams have only increased since my mom passed away last summer. Is that unusual? Shouldn't I be having dreams of happy memories, or getting loving messages in my sleep? I can even understand having dreams about her as if she were still alive, because most of my dreams are set in "present day". Also besides my mother, it seems one other common factor besides my dad, is Mexico. That may not seem all that odd given the fact that prior to her death my parents had retired to Mexico, but in all my dreams, the 3 of us are traveling to Mexico by one method or another, and something always happens. Sometimes slightly bad, really bad, or really out there things happen. The bad things that happen don't really happen to any of us, it's not like any one of us dies or anything, it's just this threat of something bad overshadowing every event. In this last dream, my mom, dad, and I were driving to Mexico in an RV. What's weird is I have never really been to Mexico, only as a shore stop on Cruise vacations. Anyway, we're driving, but inside the RV I somehow unleashed an ancient Mexican demon, a curse. I know, weird right? Anyway, I can't actually say what it looked like, as I don't remember. It was kind of like an evil black fog that creeps out - and again while no one got hurt, there was the threat that it was deadly, and I was the only one that could save us. I had what seemed like lightening that came out of my fingertips, and I had to destroy this thing and I had to do it a specific way, otherwise it just came back all over again. I kept struggling to kill it and flush it down the toilet, but in the end I never could manage to do it right, but before anything bad happened I woke up. I remember during the whole dream it was like I really physically hurt, and I was so angry and sad, and when I awoke I felt almost the same way, except I was feeling sick to my stomach and my head hurt. I'm not sure what any of symbolizes, maybe the demon is my mom's liver or death from it, and deep down I feel like I am the only one able to save her. I don't know. I don't understand why no one else is ever there, or why we're going to Mexico. I don't know why I have these weird dreams. I find myself not thinking about her as often as I should, and when I do, I feel guilty for not grieving more, although when I do remember her, like in the case of a special day, I just hurt. I feel like my heart is empty, like I can't breathe. But don't get me wrong, I am constantly saddened by her death, but at times feel like I should grieve more. All the time I am reminded of her by the silence, reminded of how much she used to call me, and how much I hated it, how it drove me nuts cause she'd call me several times a day, and now that she's not here to call me all the time I miss it so much, and I feel so bad for ever thinking or feeling that way, and just wish that I could go back in time and cherish every call, and make sure to tell her every time we talked how much I loved her. I'm sure the first couple years will be the hardest, and that I'll probably never feel the same. There are no do overs, I have to live hoping I did the best I could, that I was the best daughter I could be. It's just that she died so young, and what seemed like so suddenly. No one even knew she had something wrong with her liver, and it had been less than 6 months between the time she was diagnosed and when she died. Both my husband and myself have fears that I will end up repeating history, because of the damage I could be doing to my liver by being on all this medication. And still after all these months, I STILL don't understand why she couldn't get a transplant - there were many of us that volunteered. They make it look so fucking easy on TV and Movies, oh someones sick, let's do surgery and make it better! Why hadn't her doctor done a liver function test before, knowing that she was on tons of medication and it could be damaging to her liver, on top of knowing that nearly 30 years ago she had had this bariactric procedure done that was very much like the modern day gastric bypass surgery, and that this surgery alone could have caused the damage. Why was there no accountability from her doctor? She just prescribed, prescribed, prescribed. Something hurts? Let me write an RX. Well who checks for all those drug interactions? They say the pharmacist, but they really don't. I read an article the other day that some musician had died from taking xanax, an anti-depressant, and like 2 different kind of pain killers. They ruled it an accidental overdose....well I take all those things, so now I worry each time I take an ambiem that I could go to sleep and never wake up! But my doctor and pharmacist both gave me the ambiem knowing full aware of what I am on, and never said a word. Hell I worry just adding an antacid to it. What pill will be the one that makes it too much? I know, ya'll say what a morbid thought for Valentine's Day, but this is what is on my mind at this time. I also know that the rest are saying well just stop taking the medicine. Well that's not all that easy when you have major anxiety and depression issues on top of chronic pain and cancer that is in remission. So for now I just keep taking my meds one day at a time and find myself wondering if my meds are causing my freaky dreams, or if underlying guilt is. Will I ever find out the cause? Will I ever know the meaning? Will they ever stop? It seems I just can't win, it's either sleep and have these dreams, or suffer from insomnia. Sometimes I am afraid of going to sleep or dreaming. Can't I just have a normal loving memory like dream of her? UGH!
I at least hope the rest of you have sweet dreams, and have all of them come true for you this Valentine's Day. Me? I'm just waiting for my honey to come home from work so I'll get the dozen Godiva chocolate covered strawberried he ordered for me. I know, $80 for 12 strawberries is insane, but they are so divine!

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I know what you mean by taking alot of meds.Oh,by the way,hello I'm Lisa and I'm also a breast cancer survivor.I had a bilateral and silicone implants.I finished chemo 11-06.All those celebs dying really freaks me out.I take Oxycontin 40 mg 3 x day,Percocet 10 mg 4x day,Xaxax 1 mg 2x day, Lyrica 300 mgs day,Effexor 300 mg day,Femara 2.5 mg day,Protonix 40 mg day,Adderal(gotta lose weight)10 mg 3x day,Motrin 800 mg 3x day,Remeron 45 mg at night.My pain management Dr said they all mix ok.I know how you feel,every joint and muscle in my body hurts.Even my fingers and toes.I have a bad back also,scoliosis,osteoporosis and arthritis in thoracic and lumbar spine.We have so many things in common,I would like to talk sometime.I am on,YSC and HER2support.My name on all of them is lisaelder1972.We are the same age too lol.I love your blog,I put it in my favorites.Take Care.