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Times like this......

It's during times like this, getting ready to close on our house, the holiday season nearing, that make me really miss my family. My family is spread too far away with my sister in Hawaii, my brother(s) and in-laws all in Vegas, my (step)father in Mexico, and most of all the recent passing of my mother to heaven. It's not quite been 5 months since she passed on 7/20. First there was her anniversary to mourn, then my sister's birthday, then Halloween and Thanksgiving, but now that Christmas is approaching it is becoming increasingly more difficult.....or maybe it's not just the holiday season. Last night I got an email from my (step)dad that had me broken down in tears. The thought has crossed my mind before, and each time before just thinking about it not only hurt, but made me ill, but now my thoughts were a reality. My (step)dad has began dating again, and while I don't know the details of it, and I don't want to know the details of it, it breaks my heart to know it. Maybe my mom and him had discussed it before her death and this is what she wanted, or maybe he is ready to move on - only he would be the one to really know if after less than 5 months if he's really ready to move on. All I know is that I'm not ready! All I can think about is that one day he'll remarry and all of us step kids will be out of the picture. Who then will help care financially for my brother Billy? The plan was that in the event of my parents death their estate was to be split between all of the kids - his 2 kids, and my mom's 4 kids. While we've already gotten jewelry and other items that she wanted us to have, everything else went to my (step)dad, then when he passes his estate will be split among the 6 of us - but if he remarries, that will screw up the equation as the house he owns in Mexico (that was bought with my mother) and all the savings and insurance money from my mother's insurance and his insurance, will then go to his wife - and my mom's 4 kids will get screwed out of everything....not like there's much to begin with anyway, but it's the point that counts. I don't want to be cut out of someones life, someone that I have considered my father for more than half my life, the only man I actually consider to be my father. I just don't want my mother or her kids to be forgotten and I am scared to death, because if I can't handle this news without a huge lump in my throat and tears in my eyes at 32, how is my 6 year old daughter going to feel about grandma being replaced?
I miss you mom, I wish you were here - I'd give anything for you to be here!

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