Spring Forward

Here it is Daylight Savings Time again - thank goodness! The lab work my doctor ordered last week, the 10 vials of blood they took and did practically every test under the sun on came back with an extreme Vitamin D deficiency, I now need to take medicine for 3 months to help get me back in range. Now that the days are longer maybe I'll be able to get a bit more sun and in return Vitamin D. I know I should be taking some kind of daily multi-vitamin supplement, but I already take so much medicine that I just really can't stand to take anything else in a pill form - and with having Rosacea I don't spend much time in the sun or heat because it triggers the symptoms. I'm hoping that this medicine will help me get the deficiency in check before my surgery on April 6th as I really, really don't want to have to post-pone it. A 4 year wait is long enough. I can't believe the time has finally come to take the next step for reconstruction surgery - which means now that I have completed all my saline fills my schedule in the coming weeks will be open. Yay, cause this past week of running around was especially exhausting! I had more doctors appointments than what I care to have. I put about 175 miles on my car just from going back and forth to my appointments last week. I was driving around so much I swear I started getting road rage - but that's to be expected since they have the main bridge into town closed to one lane. It totally sucks, but more so for Ruben cause he has to battle rush hour traffic day in and day out.
This next week shall be fun. So far the the clocks on our cable boxes have yet to change. I'm just hoping I can get up tomorrow as I have not been able to sleep comfortably in the last few days. Tomorrow I have a dentist appointment, Tuesday I have my follow up with my eye doctor. I am sooooo hoping that I can go back to contacts soon. I swear my glasses are giving me a headache! This week I need to pack up my laptop and send it off to HP. I'm going to be so lost without it - we have an old one to use in the meantime till both our laptops come back, but it is so ancient it needs a wireless card and it doesn't have a spare USB port to charge my iPhone. It so sucks, but it reminds me of the days when things were so much simpler - our first laptop, when our worlds didn't revolve around computers. Now everything is computer related - paying the bills, banking, blogging, all my pictures and music. Seriously, how in the world did we ever live without such great technology?

So What's New....

That would be not much around here. I'm still suffering from so much pain. I get my fills then spend the first 5 days in agony, finally feel better, then it's time for another fill. I saw my PS yesterday, so now I'm at 1050 and only have another 100cc's to go. As usual my left side doesn't hurt much, my right side hurts enough for both. I woke up this morning with a pain on my right side, which I think my be a rib - hopefully not a broken one. I've still got the pain and pressure across my shoulder blades from both sides. And it's not just the pain that's keeping me from blogging, cause trust me I've had many thoughts of posts I'd like to make - but the pain is causing me to max out on my pain meds, which in turn is making me excessively drowsy and I usually end up nodding off. Because of my pain, sitting forward is uncomfortable, and even laying back isn't easy. Not helping matters is the fact that I've been sick for a week now, though I am not nearly as sick today as I was last week. I'm finally getting better, but add cold meds to the pain meds and yep, I'm nodding off. So right now I sit here unable to breathe just so I can make a post. I've got to do it now while I can. We're experiencing some major computer issues in this house. I have one notebook that completely crashed and won't boot up at all, then I have another that the internal connector for the power supply is loose - so one minute it works, then if I move it turns off - so I never know when I might lose it and get it back on if ever. I spent nearly 2 hours last night trying to deal with HP Support. What a freaken headache that was. Unfortunately one of Natalie's friends was here last night while I was trying to take care of the problem. I was in pain and in a bad mood, so I wasn't feeling up for making dinner - mostly cause Natalie never ate her lunch, so that was to be her dinner. Anyway her friend overheard me getting upset with tech support (they couldn't find my name, number or devices) and told Natalie that her mom is nicer than I am. Ouch. I gotta remember to be more careful when others are around, especially kids cause they may not understand what you're getting upset about. It turned out that the girl I was dealing with had enter my info wrong, but it took me nearly an hour to talk with someone else who could find my info in the system.....and of course these tech support people are located in India, so not only do they not know how to spell Louisiana, but you can't understand just what in the hell they are trying to say to you. I think for the price we paid we deserve a little better customer service, I mean these are custom built notebooks, not the cheap piece of crap you get off the shelf for $500 - which just reminded me of an email Ruben got yesterday from one of the many electronic gadget sites that was offering Acer notebooks for under $300, but I'm sure it's a piece of crap. You get what you pay for. So all these computer problems come at a bad time! I've got documents I'm trying to prep for taxes. I have to put all my medical stuff into a spreadsheet and figure out all the miles to and from the doctor's office so we can write off all the co-pays, deductibles, and rx's. The medical deduction is always a big one for me. I average a doctor or two a week and spend nearly $175 in rx's a month. This whole vacation has been spent going back and forth to appointments. Monday I busted a filling and had to go to the dentist to get it replaced - even though I was sick. Wednesday Natalie and I got our eyes checked, cause I realized I was low on contacts and was overdue for an exam. Well low and behold I find out that the little incident 2 weeks ago in which I thought I was getting pink eye was actually something else. It's all my own fault really cause I don't wear my glasses enough - which may just mean that I will be restricted from contacts for a month or more. My eye was all swollen and I had lots of blood vessel growth, so I am on antibiotic and steroid drops for now till I follow up with him next week. Yeah I can see perfectly out of my right, but my left eye everything appears hazy. At first I thought I had a dramatic change in my prescription, but we won't be doing an eye exam till my eye is better. Drops 5 times a day is not fun, isn't having to wear my glasses punishment enough LOL? I hate my glasses cause my eyes are just too sensitive to sunlight, but I guess when things get better I'm going to have to make a point of wearing then every other day whether I like it or not! Luckily Natalie's vision was perfect like her daddy's. Then yesterday I had my fills and Natalie tagged along - we had lunch, ice cream, and played with a cute little puppy at the pet store. She was supposed to get her brows waxed, but the girl at the salon was not in - so I'll have to figure out an alternative. Today she has a check up....I'm trying to make the most of this break from school. Next week I'm hoping to find time to finish my tax docs, but ti will be hard given I have doctor appointments for the first half of the week. I'm just going to have to sit aside Thursday and clear my schedule and hopefully work through the pain - and hope it all makes sense in the end. I'm just going to have to make it a priority to shift some things around and re-prioritize my schedule. Because of the pain, I haven't been walking and I'm not happy about that. I'm limited on what activities I can do as is, so I need to make the time to at least walk even if I feel like crap! I want to lose 20 lbs ASAP and another 30 or more by years end. I need to buckle down, get motivated and start using my craft room more. I procrastinate way too much and let things destroy my schedule, and I know I could be doing things much more efficiently - but I think I'm just suffering from lack of desire. It's all peaks and valleys and right now I am lost in the valley.

A Sucky Sick Weekend

This has been a miserable weekend. I woke up Friday morning my throat hurting. Natalie had a Mardi Gras parade at school that morning, and it was a bit breezy out. I think the chill in the air made things get worse. I don't know if I'd say it's the flu, but it's definitely a head cold with lots of congestion and coughing. Natalie's not full on sick, but Ruben is and he never gets sick! We were supposed to go to a parade Friday evening, but in route Natalie decided that she didn't feel up to going. Instead she just wanted to eat and go home. We hit up a Chili's (that's what she wanted) then went to Target to load up on some meds. Luckily Natalie is on vacation from school next week, so if she ends up full on sick she won't miss any days. Ruben's off Monday and Tuesday, which will be good for him to recover from his cold. Monday I have a dentist appointment cause I damaged a filling. I tried to get Natalie in for a cleaning, but they are always booked months in advance....I'll have to try Easter break maybe. Tuesday if we are feeling up to it, we plan on hitting a parade that Ruben's co-worker is in. Tuesday is Fat Tuesday - the actual Mardi Gras holiday, so I bet it will be crazy out! Wednesday Natalie will be coming with me when I go in for my next fill. Originally I thought she might be scarred for life, watching them stick me with a needle and pump me full of saline - but now I'm fairly certain that she will be fascinated by it.....plus she needs to see that not all needle sticks hurt, now blood tests or IV sticks are totally different - LOL! Thursday we're both scheduled for eye exams. I'm hoping her vision will be fine - she tends to take after Ruben with his eyes and teeth, which are perfect; mine not so much. I'm already practically blind, so I hope my rx didn't change cause I don't want to have to get new glasses. The whole thing kinda pisses me off cause my rx got worse each year, then remained the same for 2 years in a row. I was all ready to consider laser correction surgery, but then it got worse again. I'm already wearing a -5 something, I'm still having problems focusing on stuff, and my doctor already told me I'll likely need reading glasses on top of my contacts....ugh. Damn, how can you be both far and near sighted at the same time? I don't get it! So keep your fingers crossed that my vision did not change this year.

Friday I booked flights for my brother and mother in law to come visit. Danny's coming out on March 9th to help me post-op. He's been unable to find a job in Vegas, so we're hoping he can get a job here and stay for a bit and save up for school. Damn economy took a dump and he's having problems getting a student loan. For the time being he'll be staying till August, but we can change his return flight at any time depending on if he can find a job here. Ruben's mom is coming out for 3 weeks to see Natalie when school breaks for the summer. Southwest was having a sale on airfare. We've been talking a lot about taking a vacation, but it's hard to plan for one when you're not sure when you're having surgery or how long your brother in law might be visiting for. So instead of doing Disney this year I think instead we'll put it off till next year, but plan it now and make payments on it - and this year we'll drive up to where I grew up and see some of my old friends, go to Six Flags, and see the sights along the way or maybe plan a trip to Texas and go to Six Flags and Sea World. First we've got to see how this all works out with Danny staying. It's just impossible to plan for anything when there are so many unknown factors. This week would have been a prime time to take a vacation, but I couldn't book anything cause I originally thought I would be having surgery next week. Lots of locals use Mardi Gras to vacation elsewhere....you've seen one parade, you've seen them all. Hopefully later I will feel up to posting some pix from Natalie's school parade. Right now I'm going back to cuddling under my blankie, just as soon as I take some more Sudafed. Gonna snuggle up and watch a movie, and just chill.

The Weekend Update, The Week Ahead

Last night we spent close to 6 hours watching the Lord Of the Rings - Return Of the King extended edition and commentary. It's one of our absolute favorite movies and Ruben is all into his, err our new receiver for the surround sound that requires two more speakers we are still waiting on which will bring us to NINE speakers. How much you wanna bet we blow some windows out when it's all rigged up? Anyway, my point about that movie - though it is a spectacular film, is that the film has like 25 different points at which you think is the end. One scene even fades out, then right back in. It drags on forever, but I love the way everything is wrapped up nice and neat. I look forward to watching The Hobbit whenever it actually gets made - which in this economy who has $50 million for a film budget?

Speaking of economy - have you seen that new Allstate commercial? The one that says it opened it's doors in 1934 and has survived the 12 recessions since? TWELVE? Good God. I know we'll eventually get through this, but all I can wonder is WTF brought each one on? Greed? Power? Stupid ass Presidents? All I know is Mr. Bush certainly screwed things up for us this time, and because he has run this country into the ground, my husband and I were forced to have a discussion I hope never comes a reality. His mom mentioned moving here, yet in this economy she'll never sell the house as a friend of mine has had her house on the market for like a year. Then affording a house here will be hard - especially finding a job. She's worked at a casino for the last 15 years. The biggest casino here is in the French Quarter - 20 miles away, not some place we drive too - oh, and I forgot to mention for those of you that don't know us personally - my mother in law has never driven. His family is old school Mexican and many of the females never learned to drive. Hell I don't even know if the bus runs near here. It's all too much for me to worry about, because there are some dangerous places around here....and let's not forget the hurricanes. I don't know if I could handle 4 adult people living with us for who knows how long. But having family near would be nice. It's just a very scary thought!

Oh, and last week I was talking about computer problems - well they're not resolved yet, but I *think* Ruben's computer is hanging on by a thread. Last night it wouldn't boot up at all at first, then it would slightly but freeze or go black. Today it has booted up, frozen, recovered, and is in the process of scans right now, that aren't going anywhere. However, if he stops the tasks, it does appear to be working! What really sucks is his warranty expired last month. I fear having to purchase another laptop, let alone two. He's especially hard on his as his first had problems just after a year - it's still running and our daughter uses it now, but the dvd drive died. So we'll see what happens - but keep your fingers crossed! If we have to go back to our desktops then neither of us will be spending much time online, otherwise we'll be overheated in there......have you seen the size of our desktop monitors? They are HUGE, and they put out so much heat!

Here's a little humor for ya if you've been following me. We got our humidor and the cigar cutter Friday - and then the "cigars" showed up. Well the Havana Honeys Ruben bought...some vanilla flavored cigars he's had in the past - well there was a little mis-understanding with what he was ordering - and I as an ex-smoker should have realized what was actually being bought. We ended up with 2 CARTONS of Havana Honey vanilla flavored cigarettes. 2 CARTONS! They aren't even cigars! I like them, but we both feel that it may be bad to have something like this around, cause I might smoke them more frequently than I should because of stress or something. So now we wonder how we're going to unload all these packs of cigarettes. Ugh. Maybe this whole thing was a bad idea....the vanilla tastes so good, but no matter how it's packaged or sold, it is still a cigarette and not a cigar. The difference being a cigar is something you smoke maybe once a month. Granted the cigarettes are filtered, but it's easier to smoke these bitty things cause they burn faster. Bad, bad, bad. If we can't unload them Ruben will be putting at least one carton in the trash!

Next week is going to be crazy! Tomorrow may be a holiday, but Tuesday I have an appointment with a dermatologist, plus my book review - which I'll post more on later. Wednesday I see my plastic surgeon and Natalie has a doctors appointment. Thursday I have an appointment waaayy too early over at the hospital for pain management. The problem here is that the bridge is closed to one lane, traffic is horrible, and I have NO MEDICAL RECORDS. My previous pain doctor closed his office here and never transferred over my records and no one has returned my call. I am PISSED off he's done this to me after being a patient of his for over a year. I'm hoping my rx bottles will help, but with no records I'm not sure if I'll be able to stay on the same treatment regimen. Friday the groomer is coming, thank goodness cause the dog stinks and Natalie has another doctor appointment. She's become excessively worried over the last year and we want her to talk with someone. It all started or progressed cause some kid on the bus told her I was going to die. We'll see if talking with someone other than us will help. The thought of doing all these things while my face is still healing kills me, but at least my face is still horribly scarred from whatever it is I have, for the dermatologist can see it. And if they tell me one more time to use Cetaphil, I think I might lose it!

Ok, so I know this has been a long post - but I want to say a little more about my upcoming book review. I'm very nervous going into this. As most of you have guessed by now, I'm no writer. My blogging lacks the proper use of grammar and punctuation.....and some time it includes lots of typo's. My education is a very faint memory. Chemo stole my mind, my thoughts and left me with this fog I just can't shake. My mind jumps from one topic to the next, and I forget things so easily causing me to always take notes and live life by a written list of things to do. I worry my review will be sub par - that it won't be worthy of the book for which it was written. I guess only time will tell. We'll see what kind of traffic I bring in on Tuesday, and if anyone shares their thoughts with me. This book review was a passion project for me, and is something close to my heart - cause it's supporting my cause - breast cancer. Bringing awareness to the disease - which thankfully I am free of at the time. But just cause I am in remission, it does not change things for me. Breast cancer will forever be a part of my life.

I think I have bored you enough for one day. You probably won't hear much from me next week cause it's so busy....unless I send a post from my phone. Then the following week is my 35th birthday on the 26th. I have court for my traffic accident on the 28th - fun....but at least I was let off a bit for my speeding ticket. No court, doesn't go on my record, but I paid a hefty fine - which is why Ruben bought me a radar/laser detector for my birthday. LOL. Then the 30th is my 9th anniversary - which is after my daughter's 9th birthday, but a month before the 10 year anniversary of our first "real" date. So we've got lots going on here. We're bombarded with birthdays till March.

Prepping for another opinion

Tomorrow morning I have an appointment with a new oncologist to get another opinion regarding chemotherapy. I'm really opposed to doing chemo and could not agree with the 6 month treatment recommended by my prior doctor. I see no medical reason for 6 months. Hopefully he will agree with me. As I see it chemo only rids my body of any cancer cells that are growing or have spread - which had been ruled out by my previous PET scan. If there is no trace of cancer anywhere within your body, why would 6 months of hell be needed? my cancer is estrogen receptor positive - chemo cannot stop it indefinitely. Even though my ovaries have been removed, my body still produces bits of estrogen - and without some type of medicine like Tamoxifen, there's nothing to stop my estrogen from binding with cancer cells, allowing it to grow. I think it's reasonable to skip chemo and go straight to the hormone therapy or at the very least do only a minimal bit of chemo, like 2 - 4 sessions. I'm not even sure yet if this will be "the" doctor, as I am still awaiting appointments with 2 other practices. Also in the meantime of trying to acquire another opinion I am seeing my plastic surgeon to see if we can move forward with my breast reconstruction. The discomfort is killing me! When I first made a follow up appointment with my PS I wasn't expecting to get in to see another oncologist for at least a month, but this place could schedule me the very next day proving I had my records. I put off the appointment for a week just to make certain I got everything I needed. Now looking at this huge stack of files, I see I have more than I need and I now must find a way to weed through it all and remove the many duplicates and somehow organize it all by tomorrow morning! I wanted to make the doctor copies, but there is just way too much paperwork here - I would need my own actual copier in order to do it and there is no Kinko's around - and I fear what it would cost to do such!

So wish me luck that all goes well! I'll keep you posted!

Where to begin......

Yeah, I know, I've been missing for bit. Haven't made any posts lately because, well for one I've been enjoying my scraproom with a project I am working on, and the other reason is because I've just had a lot on my mind that I was hoping would pass and I could let go of.

Lately I've been trying this new thing out. Instead of getting all upset on the spot - like I might normally do, I am biting my tongue and sleeping on things to see how I feel about them later. I want to make sure that I am being rational and not emotional. Because I am one to fight back if attacked, it means that I often have to turn away so not to shoot death rays out of my eyes. It's been hard, real hard - but sooner or later I will reach my boiling point and likely go off on the next person to piss me off.....below is just a smidgen of it all.......

There has been so much drama going on around here I feel like I'm back in high school. People twisting things, lying about things, people running their mouths, people trying to cause drama - oh and people sucking up, people acting like they are so much better. I'm sick of it. Then there are the ones who make snide remarks about my daughter which really gets me. Just cause she can be dramatic (and what child isn't?) people are assuming that she is or can be a liar. Now there is a big difference between exaggeration, trying to test the limits, and flat out lying. She's tested her limits with some, or has said things that others have taken the wrong way - but she has not lied. Some people think that she lied about the night someone tried to pick her up...all cause she wasn't hysterical when she asked for a walk home. But I sat with my child and heard her tell me and 3 different cops the SAME EXACT story. I also found out from her re-telling the story, that when she asked for someone to walk her home that before she could even tell why she needed help she was told they were too busy, and she kept saying but, but - and each time she just got shut down and was told to just go cause it was dusk, and she lived just across the street, and they were busy, and to shut the door. Hearing her tell me that after the neighbor said to me make sure she's telling the truth made me so furious. If a child is asking for help, it's because they need it - not just for the hell of it. Seriously people, how am I supposed to react to this? I mean if you have a problem with me - fine. But she is just a fucking kid, and trust me when I say no child I have ever met is perfect! They ALL say or do something. I've watched and heard fights then have the kids lie straight to my face about what happened. Natalie has been ridiculed by one lil' boy who has repeatedly told her she's chubby - then ask her if that means she'll be fat like her mom. When I overheard that I really had to walk away before I said something nasty about him. The whole thing pisses me off greatly cause when any kids are here, I treat them just as I would my daughter - and for some, that affection and attention is more than they get at home and definitely more than what my daughter gets when she's in someone else's care. I can tell you now it's only a matter of time till I explode. It's not just some of the kids that are pissing me off, but some of the parents as well....and I don't need this bullshit. I have enough stress of my own. So in a nutshell that has been my life for the last couple weeks.

Oh, and as if that weren't enough - yesterday I met with my medical oncologist. The good news is that I am NOT a gene carrier for the BRCA I or II breast cancer gene. Yippee! That means that there is no way Natalie has it - so that's the best news ever! I'm still waiting to get my Oncotype DX test results, however the doctor and I came to an agreement to go forward with the chemo, even though I really don't want to. I'm not looking forward to it, and I'm certainly not happy about it. I guess you could say I just said screw it cause I'm honestly tired of waiting. It's been 8 months. I just want to get on with my life. I've been waiting for 3+ years to get reconstruction done so I could turn the corner and finally start a new chapter of my life - one that preferably doesn't have cancer in it. I see my plastic surgeon tomorrow for a follow up. I doubt he'll want to continue until I'm all finished with chemo and healthy. Then Thursday I have some labwork to do. I have to collect all my urine tomorrow for 24 hours - that should be fun. Then Friday I have my Muga Scan to check out my heart. The following Friday I have to sit through a 2+ hour class on chemo. I then will start chemo the next Monday. That's how we'll kick off Thanksgiving. I believe I am having 4 sessions of a Taxotere/Carboplatin combo. He didn't tell me how we'll do the 4 sessions.....last time I went every other week. So this is how I will be spending my holidays. The sheer thought of it makes me sick. Seriously, I feel like puking now and I haven't really eaten anything since I found out....though I did have a few beers last night. I really need to stop from shutting down - I was just starting to get out of my room and be more social with the neighbors, though you can see what that got me. Right now I don't even want to scrapbook or blog - I just want to go take a hot jacuzzi bath and curl up in bed. I've got a brand new pair of Saints pajama bottoms just waiting for me. So I think I will try to get that bath in before Natalie's bus arrives.

Events that make for a bad doctors visit and day.

• Your favorite leather wallet broke cause you have too much crap in it.


• Your new watch broke after only a few months.


• You find out that you had/have two different cancers.


• You find out your current cancer is not a recurrence, but rather a SECONDARY occurrence.


• The doctor wants to run some tests on 3+ year old samples that your insurance may not cover.


• You doctor decides to do a BRCA I and II gene mutation test to see if you're a carrier that ultimately may affect your child's life and future.


• While performing said test, the nurse has to poke you twice and fish for your collapsing vein just to get some blood.


• Your vein is collapsing cause your sick with a cold and dehydrated.


• You get snubbed by a breast cancer survivor group who is having an event in the hospital you are at upon asking for info on the charity.


• You go to the mall to pick up your wedding ring and indulge in a little retail therapy, which results in a watch bought that is too big and a new purse that is too small.....so now you have to go back to return the item and pay to have links removed from the watch.....but if you wanted to pay to have a watch repaired you would have repaired the one you've got!

Also, I have FINALLY posted pictures of our house all decorated for Halloween now that we are sans bushes. Check out the rest posted at Flickr!

Thoughts on this mornings visit....

I just saw my oncologist this morning, hoping to hear my blood tests were ok and that I could skip chemo. Instead he pointed out some differences that suggest my recurrence was actually a secondary occurrence. The only real differences I saw were in my DNA Pliody and S Phase results - oh and my PR status was 0% instead of the original 5-10% I had back in 2005. I don't know what any of Bloom scores or what have ya, but I did note that somewhere in my original diagnosis back in '05 that they detected both invasive ductal carcinoma and in situ, though I was only told about the invasive. Is it possible to have both? Or is it just that you have one that grows to invasive? I don't know why I didn't think about these things earlier - but he also decided that he wants to see if he can get ALL my samples sent out for an Oncotype DX test. I guess it's good that I have a doctor willing to go back and look for all the answers, but I can't even imagine that they still have my samples from February let alone 3+ years ago! And let's hope my insurance covers the test cause it runs $3,000 a pop! I don't understand what an Oncotype test will tell him cause bottom line is that after 3 years I have cancer again despite a mastectomy and chemo. Isn't that test used to predict your need for chemo and if the cancer is likely to return? Also he pointed out that my pathology has two small but different words to describe my cancer - one was moderately well and the other poor though I don't recall reading that anywhere. That's another reason why he thinks this is a secondary. Then he also decided to do a BRCA I and II gene test and now my world is in panic. I was always told that since no one in may family ever had cancer I likely didn't carry the gene and that was that. But now it's possible I may have the gene and I worry about if I do have it, as that would affect my daughter. She's only 8 and has been affected by cancer enough. I mean having her was an accident, so knowing then wouldn't have mattered. But when I think about if I have it and passed it on to her and how that might affect her decision to have kids and generally her health overall, I'm just terrified of the aspect of it all. I always wanted to know why I had cancer, but the flip side is I'm not sure if either of us should know if she's a gene carrier. I was hoping for good news today, but as it stands I will have to wait another 2 weeks then maybe go from there depending on if they have the samples and can do the test. He changed his mind and said he'd recommend chemo now and I told him that if I have to do it then I will, I can't dispute science. I just don't understand why the results would even matter considering that bottom line I was diagnosed with cancer again 3 years after originally having it.

Did I read too much into my last doctors appointment?

Yesterday I had my post-radiation therapy follow up appointment. Everything went well - my site looks great and is healing well, so he released me from his care.

As I've recently noted, I'm in the position where I really would rather not do chemo - but since I was unable to get an Oncotype DX test done on my tumor, I honestly have no clue as to whether I would benefit from chemo therapy or not. my research show me that the Oncotype DX test is most effective for first time diagnosis, as it maps out your risk of recurrence and whether or not chemo would be beneficial for you or not. Since this was a recurrence for me that test would be useless. So I figured I'd ask my radiation oncologist his thoughts on it. you know how you'll talk to one doctor and they'll say or you don't need this treatment you only need this one (which happens to be the one they're pushing.)

OK, so I've mentioned how I'm not sure if I want to do chemo because of how it may affect my liver. This doctor assured me that there are tests they can do to monitor my liver function - which I know about. However these tests seemingly some how missed the fact that my mother had cirrhosis until it was already end stage, and was too late. Which still has me baffled. Thus the reasoning behind why I don't want anything that will be bad for my liver as I take plenty of medication and like an occasional drink. My mom NEVER drank, but was on all kinds of prescriptions - though they blame her cirrhosis on a gastric bypass procedure she had done in 1979 - a procedure I would never undergo now because of it's known liver complications.
So here I am looking for some kind of advice from my doctor to support my reasoning when he tells me something that I has me wondering did I hear him right or am I over-dramatizing the conversation. I asked him if he thought chemo would benefit me, and if this was the end. According to him the radiation eradicated the cancer in my breast, so it will likely NEVER return there (or at least SHOULDN'T) - BUT - since I have already had a recurrence is is possible that the cancer CAN return somewhere else. WHOA, did he just tell me that my cancer will likely return or did I make a mountain our of a molehill? I am still confused about what he told me (he has a very heavy accent, so it's hard for me to understand him at times.) He didn't really say yay or nay on the whole chemo or no chemo thing. It's just chemo is a systematic treatment and radiation is a localized treatment. Also what I know about this recurrence is that it is believed that 3 years ago when I was first diagnosed with breast cancer and had a mastectomy that one tiny little cell was left behind and that my medication Femara failed to prevent my estrogen from binding with the cancer cells, so it grew. My only problem with this theory is that my pathology on my mastectomy came back clean and clear and I've had a hysterectomy - so how would it be possible for one little cell to be left behind and grow when my estrogen level should be very low? Also I did not receive radiation the first time - had I did then a chest wall recurrence would not have happened.

So am I looking at fighting cancer for life? Will doing chemo really prevent it from returning? As it is, my cancer has not spread - so why would I need chemo. Can't I just do hormonal therapy (a new AI treatment like Femara) and get annual or bi-annual PET scans to spot out cancer clusters - then deal with them as found? Because seriously, if the cancer were to return a PET scan would be the only way for it to be detected besides blood marker tests.

I'm still unsure of the whole chemo thing. In fact I think I am more confused now as to what to do. If it were you, what would you do?

I Hate Thunderstorms

Damn storms really screwed with my whole radiation schedule. Not only was the machine down Thursday, but it wasn't up on Friday either. That power outage musta really zapped the hell out of something - and what really sucks was that I was mid drive when I found out and I had my mother-in-law and daughter in the car with me. We planned on going to Joann's to buy fabric so she could sew me a few different head scarves. So even though radiation was cancelled I still had to drive into town. Unfortunately I couldn't really postpone the trip either as this is her last week here, and both today & tomorrow I am booked with appointments.

Today I had a follow up with my surgeon Dr. S. She wanted to see how my scar was healing. Things are healing nicely, so I don't need to go back for 3 months. However the last day and a half my dog hasn't been acting well. She's not been eating, she threw up grass, and has just been sad and mopey. Last night I forced some Pepto upon her. I had no problems getting her to drink it, just cleaning up her pink mustache, LOL. Then this morning she still was out of it, and I was told that she was still not eating and wasn't going potty. Must have a stomach blockage, so this morning I forced some Milk of Magnesia and Tylenol upon her. She took it quite well, and by afternoon she was feeling better and finally ate. So tomorrow I take her to the vet for a check up and possibly some shots - then I have radiation - then I meet with Dr. J my plastic surgeon. Yeah fun. Lately I feel like I shouldn't even bother dressing, that I should get my own hospital gown and wear it every where, cause it's not like the appointments will end anytime soon, as I have a list of things to schedule. Oh and I am so tired of all these damn thunderstorms - it stormed like every other hour today! UGH! Hopefully this rain will end soon, or at least not rain during my drive-time!

Hopefully this week won't be as draining on me, and I will be able to blog more =)

As The 9th Draws Near.......

Yesterday I met with my Plastic Surgeon. I have a lot of fears about my upcoming surgery and I wanted his honest opinion. I found out that since I first met with the Surgical Oncologist, my Plastic Surgeon has called his office and requested that he NOT remove my tissue expander unless it was absolutely necessary. Originally when in I was in the Surgical Oncologists office and I told my husband that I didn't want to remove the expander, he though it was vain and told me to stop being so stubborn and do what is right. But both my gut and my Plastic Surgeon feel that there is no reason for the expander to be removed - that if the radiation WERE to cause hard spots, they could do a MRI after my radiation and rule out cancer. Besides, my Plastic Surgeon would be going in as soon as it is okay so he can replace my expander with an implant once I am stretched out to the correct size - so he'll see and remove any hard spots. I feel comfortable with that, and especially privileged that he is looking out for my best interests. I'm really hoping to keep the expander, but I was told don't be surprised if I wake up to find that I no longer have it just because it had to be removed. No one knows for sure until they open me up, what to expect. My Plastic Surgeon also set my mind at ease about my fears of going into surgery with a *new* doctor. He has worked in the past with my Surgical Oncologist, so he is confident that I have found myself a good surgeon. Now we just hope for the best - and though I've prepared for the worst, I'm still not quite ready for 7 weeks of daily radiation!

Spell Check

I'm just curious if anyone else using Blogger is experiencing problems using their spell check?

For quite some time now (probably this whole month.) I have been unable to use spell check and it's really begun to tick me off. As I'm sure you've read there are many times I make spelling errors, cause some nights I type in the dark with just a small night stand type light on. It's hard to see these little keys on the laptop when dark. I think that they should light up like the DVD function keys do.

Anyway, if you are having problems, let me know. I'd like to know if it has happened to others, or if this is just a "me" only problem. LOL.

Also, it seems I will be spending some more time in my scrap studio finishing the organization of it all. I still have mountains of stickers, stamps, and emblies that I have to find a way to organize. I also need to check the sewing machines to make sure they both survived the move and work. I have tons of "in progress" pix I took, that I will post once the room is really in working order. That way I can just post them all at once. But I noticed yesterday that I have an abundance of space, which don't get me wrong, is wonderful - it's just the whole where do I put stuff cause I have so many places and so much room for it all. And if that's not enough, just wait until I actually go through ALL my stamps, paper, and sticker. I have SO many duplicates that I will have to unload some either by ebay or RAK's (random acts of kindness - for those of you that don't scrap.)
Yeah I know, the thought of me and random acts of kindness doesn't sound quite right, but hey, hate to break it to ya, but I can't quite possibly be a bitch 365 days a year - gotta be nice some of the time!
But I'm super excited that finally after months of procrastination, I was able to get most of the work done with the help of my wonderful hubby.....and now he knows far more than he's ever wished about scrapbooking. But now he's helped all he could, the rest is up to me, cause otherwise he might just throw the shit out - but then again he also got a real good feel for approximately how much money has went into that room supply wise, in the form of paper, stickers, punches and stamps. And in an off moment, while taking a break, I caught him using some of my punches to see the shapes they make on paper. It was so funny. He quickly tore up the paper once I caught on to what he was doing. He wanted to get rid of any evidence of him playing with "girlie stuff."
But it's going to take me a lot of motivation to get my ass in there and finish the job, and with Ruben being at work and Natalie being off at school, it will both be an easy and hard task to accomplish. But then again, I'm not scheduled to get any injections this week either. I'm still trying to decide if I should call my surgeon's office and ask to do it this week (or find out if this week was off because he's out of the office.) I also have an appointment on Friday with my pain management doctor. Nothing big, just my monthly visit. I want to go over all my meds with him so I don't have to fear a lethal combination ala Heath Ledger. The visit is also part of the reason I want injections this week - so he can see me in pain, cause these meds while they handle my regular pain, they do ablsolutely nothing to even remotely touch the pain I get the first week after an injection. And that pain is only going to get worse from here on out, as the bigger my new boobs get, the more it will hurt. I don't know how many more injections I will have, but I'd say I'm about a small B not and I'm going to a full D/small DD. I mean hell, if you're going to do it, do it right and go big!. But that's just me - I'd look kind of funny with a DD chest but only weigh 100 lbs. Even when I was in high school I never was skinny, I was average - not skinny, but not fat. Playing softball for 2 years probably had a lot to do with that athletic build.
Of course considering that I've been up since 4am, maybe I should have gotten on the treadmill instead of doing this post. But also, if it's in my head and I don't get it out while it's there, I soon lose it and forget what it was I was ever planning on saying. That's got to be the worst side effect of chemo - inless it's ealry onset of Alzheimer's, which I hope to god it isn't!

It's Times like This....

Not much time to blog today - I have an appointment with my surgeon for what will HOPEFULLY be my first (of many) saline injections - YAY! So keep your fingers crossed that the injections get done today and it's not just another post-op check-up!

In other news, I'm really kicking myself right about now! I have this wonderfully awesome opportunity to get paid to MAKE a scrapbook for someone my hubby works with. The reason I want to kick myself is because back in 2005 when I made this gorgeous custom 8x8 Classic Pooh Album for my friend Joanna, I half-assed it and took photos of the pages while in the book, in the sheet protectors. I recall that at the time I was running late to meet with a friend, so I just quickly took some pictures so I could post then online. I meant to go back and scan each page one by one, but never got the chance as I had just barely finished the album in time to give it to her for Christmas. Now I really wish I had original scans of the pages, as pictures of pages in protectors cannot compare at all - although it will have to do as it is all I have and cannot ask Joanna to scan the pages for me as she has already started placing her photos and jotting down the journaling. It's kind of funny cause in the pictures I took, you can see where I took little sticky tabs and wrote picture with arrows, so Joanna would know where to place the picture and how it should be orientated.
I have so many thoughts swirling in my head. I can't even get my own crap scrapped (of course I need to finish that room once and for all - catch that pesky lizard - and print tons of pictures as I have spent nearly the last 2 years digital!) My biggest problems are what to charge for such a job, and what kind of album? Jo was easy cause her nursery had been in Classic Pooh and I found the album set on clearance - which did not come with enough paper to even cover the sheets in the book, so I had to get creative on how I used the pattern paper and since I could not find any other paper that matched (or came close!) I used some fabric I bought from Joann's. I put a lot of time planning out that album - and I'm so excited to think that someone else wants my services, even when I can't get published or become a design team member (although you would have to actually complete and submit work for stuff like that!)
once I get the info and see what I can find, I will keep you posted. What a great opportunity for me. Oh, I'll also post later how the doctor's visit is!

Whatsa going on around here

It's funny cause I was sitting here thinking what do I put for a title for this entry???? I don't know if any of you have seen Rock of Love with Bret Michaels , but he tends to say the phrase "Whatsa going on" a lot - yes I'm a watcher. Anyway, that's where that came from. So, now on to other things.....
I was sitting here when I realized I hadn't posted since my appointment on Wednesday. I've been a little pre-occupied, which I will get into in a sec.
This is what I learned at my appointment - that the reason he hasn't sewn the wound shut is because he's waiting for it to heal from the inside out. He thinks it should take about a month, which is when I go back to see him. After it has healed, he anticipates cutting me open in a new area, and placing a tissue expander - so, no, he claims he will not make me wait a year to start recon again. Once that expander is in, and I am healing right, THEN he plans on starting my saline injections. So basically I have to wait a month and hope and pray this thing heals right in the meantime, so I can go through surgery again, then I have to hope and pray that it heals with no problems, so that I can start getting injections and grow boobs. Ya follow me? So that's the plan, and I'm all in. My biggest fear is not healing correctly, or having to wait a year - but he assured me that he has no intentions of doing that to me. He won't start the injections now because he doesn't want me to be lop-sided like I have been for the past 2 years. So keep those fingers crossed that I heal up soon!
Now on to the reason I have been pre-occupied. I know I said I would wait to buy it on Ebay or something, but after my appointment, I made Ruben take me to a bookstore so I could buy Blonde Ambition. I know, I am so terrible. I am in the process of reading it now. I'm almost half-way through with it. So far I haven't read anything shocking, but we'll see what happens. I'm also no legal expert, but it seems she covers her ass well. Almost everything she writes is third party info. Kinda like I heard from a friend who heard.....blah, blah, blah. I still hope she gets nailed big time for writing this. I'm all Team Larry and doubt that there is anything she can say or do to change my mind about that - but I haven't gotten to the whole gay sex tape part. So like I said, well see what happens and how this all ends.
I also stopped into an AT&T store about my phone. I haven't bought a new phone yet cause mine suddenly quit acting up - but I did get it all straightened out that if I were to get a new phone, I could just go ahead and sign a new 2 yr. contract and get it for the advertised new 2 yr. contract price. So at least I have options. But I'm going to see how it goes. I may wait it out (as long as it is working fine) and changes services when my current contract is up. I was looking into Helio and it is a damn good deal and an awesome looking phone. So we'll wait and see about that as well.
Other than that all things are good. I have another album I finished "gluing", and need to take photos of it and post them. Natalie is feeling better, but has now gotten Uncle Danny sick. I am still stuck in bed healing and I'm bored (guess that's why I'm reading this book!) - plus I want to stay away from all this cold crap. I don't need to get sick, nor do I want to. Nothing to hinder my healing. I gotta play it safe. It sucks, but once healed and all is said and done and I have those nice big perky boobs I will be happy that I took things easy. So anyway, back to my book. Hopefully I will be done in time to see the VMA's to catch Britney's comeback performance, LOL!