So What's New....

That would be not much around here. I'm still suffering from so much pain. I get my fills then spend the first 5 days in agony, finally feel better, then it's time for another fill. I saw my PS yesterday, so now I'm at 1050 and only have another 100cc's to go. As usual my left side doesn't hurt much, my right side hurts enough for both. I woke up this morning with a pain on my right side, which I think my be a rib - hopefully not a broken one. I've still got the pain and pressure across my shoulder blades from both sides. And it's not just the pain that's keeping me from blogging, cause trust me I've had many thoughts of posts I'd like to make - but the pain is causing me to max out on my pain meds, which in turn is making me excessively drowsy and I usually end up nodding off. Because of my pain, sitting forward is uncomfortable, and even laying back isn't easy. Not helping matters is the fact that I've been sick for a week now, though I am not nearly as sick today as I was last week. I'm finally getting better, but add cold meds to the pain meds and yep, I'm nodding off. So right now I sit here unable to breathe just so I can make a post. I've got to do it now while I can. We're experiencing some major computer issues in this house. I have one notebook that completely crashed and won't boot up at all, then I have another that the internal connector for the power supply is loose - so one minute it works, then if I move it turns off - so I never know when I might lose it and get it back on if ever. I spent nearly 2 hours last night trying to deal with HP Support. What a freaken headache that was. Unfortunately one of Natalie's friends was here last night while I was trying to take care of the problem. I was in pain and in a bad mood, so I wasn't feeling up for making dinner - mostly cause Natalie never ate her lunch, so that was to be her dinner. Anyway her friend overheard me getting upset with tech support (they couldn't find my name, number or devices) and told Natalie that her mom is nicer than I am. Ouch. I gotta remember to be more careful when others are around, especially kids cause they may not understand what you're getting upset about. It turned out that the girl I was dealing with had enter my info wrong, but it took me nearly an hour to talk with someone else who could find my info in the system.....and of course these tech support people are located in India, so not only do they not know how to spell Louisiana, but you can't understand just what in the hell they are trying to say to you. I think for the price we paid we deserve a little better customer service, I mean these are custom built notebooks, not the cheap piece of crap you get off the shelf for $500 - which just reminded me of an email Ruben got yesterday from one of the many electronic gadget sites that was offering Acer notebooks for under $300, but I'm sure it's a piece of crap. You get what you pay for. So all these computer problems come at a bad time! I've got documents I'm trying to prep for taxes. I have to put all my medical stuff into a spreadsheet and figure out all the miles to and from the doctor's office so we can write off all the co-pays, deductibles, and rx's. The medical deduction is always a big one for me. I average a doctor or two a week and spend nearly $175 in rx's a month. This whole vacation has been spent going back and forth to appointments. Monday I busted a filling and had to go to the dentist to get it replaced - even though I was sick. Wednesday Natalie and I got our eyes checked, cause I realized I was low on contacts and was overdue for an exam. Well low and behold I find out that the little incident 2 weeks ago in which I thought I was getting pink eye was actually something else. It's all my own fault really cause I don't wear my glasses enough - which may just mean that I will be restricted from contacts for a month or more. My eye was all swollen and I had lots of blood vessel growth, so I am on antibiotic and steroid drops for now till I follow up with him next week. Yeah I can see perfectly out of my right, but my left eye everything appears hazy. At first I thought I had a dramatic change in my prescription, but we won't be doing an eye exam till my eye is better. Drops 5 times a day is not fun, isn't having to wear my glasses punishment enough LOL? I hate my glasses cause my eyes are just too sensitive to sunlight, but I guess when things get better I'm going to have to make a point of wearing then every other day whether I like it or not! Luckily Natalie's vision was perfect like her daddy's. Then yesterday I had my fills and Natalie tagged along - we had lunch, ice cream, and played with a cute little puppy at the pet store. She was supposed to get her brows waxed, but the girl at the salon was not in - so I'll have to figure out an alternative. Today she has a check up....I'm trying to make the most of this break from school. Next week I'm hoping to find time to finish my tax docs, but ti will be hard given I have doctor appointments for the first half of the week. I'm just going to have to sit aside Thursday and clear my schedule and hopefully work through the pain - and hope it all makes sense in the end. I'm just going to have to make it a priority to shift some things around and re-prioritize my schedule. Because of the pain, I haven't been walking and I'm not happy about that. I'm limited on what activities I can do as is, so I need to make the time to at least walk even if I feel like crap! I want to lose 20 lbs ASAP and another 30 or more by years end. I need to buckle down, get motivated and start using my craft room more. I procrastinate way too much and let things destroy my schedule, and I know I could be doing things much more efficiently - but I think I'm just suffering from lack of desire. It's all peaks and valleys and right now I am lost in the valley.

Why is it that things never go as planned?

Here's another day coming and going that I won't scrap. The dog groomer is here and I'm waiting for Lexie to be done - then I'm hoping to head into town to hit the mall or Target, if I have time. Yesterday my day consisted of bills and reconciliation. I may not be an accountant anymore, but old habits die hard - it's month end and still the same ol' routine nonetheless. Tonight I'm supposed to go to Sam's Club with the neighbor to buy things for our Halloween block part.....yeah, I'm giving up an evening of Grey's Anatomy for Sam's. Sick I know? Tomorrow my day is shot cause Natalie's school is hosting their Octoberfest, which is more like a Halloween festival. Then I have to prepare the meatballs I plan to make for the party, set up or help with the whole thing, then trick or treating. Yay! Doing it in our neighborhood is definitely going to be different for us. Usually we go to the other side of town where like a whole sub-division holds a block party. We'll see how this pans out. It's hard to get everyone involved, especially since we don't know those who live outside our particular area. So needless to say there won't be hundreds here like we're used to!

Earlier I checked in with my oncologist to find out if he had gotten my samples and or test results yet cause I was supposed to see him on the 3rd - but he doesn't have everything, so my appointment got pushed back to the 10th. Great, another week trying not to wonder and worry. I.must.keep.scrapping....at least for the sake of my own sanity! Then on the 12th I will finally get to see my plastic surgeon. It's been like 3 months I think - and despite my best efforts, I have been unable to "push" my expanders into place. Not sure if he'll be happy with that - all I know is my left one is really bothering me. I'm tired of it pushing on my rib! But I am hoping to have details to tell regarding my treatment, though I think that my surgery or injections will still get pushed off for another month or two. I say that cause though the redness from my radiation burn is gone, I am still pretty dark brown - like a nice summer base coat tan. I also think it will get pushed back cause I wore a bra a while ago, in hopes of "pushing" my expanders away from my ribs. Well the under wire left me with some kinds of mark. Not quite a bruise, but it was reddish, then brown and took well over a week for it to fade. So we'll see.

Also, over the last 2 weeks I have manage to completely give up my hardcore soda addiction. I switched it for tea. I figure sweetened tea has less calories than consuming 3 sodas a day. Well I can surely tell that the tea has more caffeine in it. Three glasses a day and I can feel my heart thumping in my chest. So I think I may need to cut back on when I have my last glass, though not much really affects my sleeping these days. But it must be working cause Natalie told me that she can tell I have lost some weight - and I have, a bit...though I'm sure that my drinking 6 Coors Light with the neighbors didn't help matters any!

Deep in a Funk

The last few weekends I have been feeling really great thanks to our new neighbors. I've finally acquired more energy since radiation ended and to top it off, I've even been venturing outside of my safety zone - which is a HUGE deal for me! BUT - I woke up this morning and realized I'm kinda sinking back into my old funk. Over the last few days or so some things have happened that have gotten me upset, and I find myself feeling depressed once again. I'm hoping it will pass - but I'm thinking that even if I do work myself out of this funk, the events that put me here will still remain - leaving me prone to easily fall back into the funk again should something happen again.
Ruben says I am just being sensitive - and he's partially right. My big thing is that I have really put myself out there and I have tried so hard to be nice, and to make friends. I have offered my help and whatnot to others - and what I have received in return is basically squat - some have blown me off, or turned their backs on me, and some even seemed to just reject me and my help. With some it's like I have to force a conversation with them - like they don't want to talk to me, others seem to run hot and cold....friendly one minute, not so much the next. Some act as though I am beneath them....which is silly, but it still hurts nonetheless. It's kinda like high school once again. But you know what? Regardless of how they "act" all superior to me, it doesn't matter to me if they don't see me as being fit or beautiful or that they think they are better cause I'm just a jeans and t-shirt kinda person. I must say I'm pretty damn comfortable with myself and my life. I went through that period when I bought all the expensive, nice clothes and I had to have lots of new beautiful jewelry - the mani's and pedi's and expensive highlighted beautiful hair. But then I came to a point in my life when those things just didn't matter that much to me anymore. My values changed, and so did I, I guess. It doesn't mean that I don't value or respect myself. It's just that I value my comfort more. I'm not totally vain (though I do have bouts where I am! LOL), and I surely don't need or want to come off as ostentatious, or pretentious - I'm trying to make friends or keep the ones I have, not offend everyone. I have nearly all I could ever want or need in my family and the many wonderful things we have- and there is no reason whatsoever for me to be parading it around for all to see. I'm just not that kind of person. I just happen to be a very down-to-earth, reserved person - who's very friendly and loyal once you get to know me - and this whole thing just has me feeling depressed, like I'm just not good enough for any of them - yet they don't even know *me*, and it hurts!!!!
Or maybe like Ruben says, I'm just being overly sensitive and I'm reading too much into things and blowing things out of proportion. He says to just give it time - that eventually my true friends will come forward, like they have in the past - and hopefully my neighbors will continue to come through for me to cheer me up in the meantime. What do you think? In the past I couldn't have cared less about this type of stuff - whether someone liked me or what others thought about me - but all my real friends live so far away so there's that time difference, plus they work during the day......I would like some other people in my life other than my family. But is it worth trying so hard? Or maybe I'm just picking the wrong type of people to be friends with....

Finally The Wait Is Over

Yesterday I had my Chest CT Scan (both with & without contrast). I had to fast prior to the test, so afterwards I stopped at the hospital cafe and ate. Big mistake! It was awful tasting. Just a big waste of money. After leaving the hospital, I dropped off 2 comforters to be cleaned, filled up the Durango, and got it detailed. By time I got home I was beat. I sat down on my bed and literally passed out. That nuclear medicine they inject you with is something else. Kinda made me mad cause I missed the first half of the Lakers game. All that extra sleep messed me up anyway, causing me to wake up much too early this morning. With too much time on my hands, it left me up to no good - searching for old friends, or long lost relatives.....which isn't an easy task when you don't quite remember people's names or they have unlisted information. It's something I have done from time to time beginning with my 1st cancer, when chemo wiped my mind, and more often since my mother's death. Do you know how awkward it is to call a number that doesn't belong to who you thought it did? But it's hard to keep in touch when you move every 2 years - not to mention when the people you are trying to locate move every few years! Every now and then I get lucky and score, but more often I don't. So yeah I spent too much time surfing, but I was awaiting a call from Dr. L's office to let me know what my recent scan results were. It appears my results were ok, but I won't get the whole story till I see him. So I'm still not sure what he saw, and if it was indeed a lymph node. Hopefully I will find out more next week - that's when I start my daily radiation treatments for 7 weeks. I'm both nervous and excited about Monday, as I've never done radiation before. Then once I complete that treatment it's off to chemo. Luckily Ruben's mom comes in tomorrow night for 3 whole weeks. I can't wait; with losing my own mom I need her more than anything. Plus it sure will help when I'm exhausted from radiation and don't feel like cooking - when all I want to do is take a nap!

Sunday Bloody Sunday

Ah Sunday, the day of rest - with exceptions to doing the laundry of course. Things at El Casa De Navarro are usually pretty chill on Sunday. We watch a little TV, rest, and prepare for the week ahead. As school's end is nearing, Natalie has something going on every day. Tomorrow she has a Saints Training Camp day at school, then a beach day, Disney day, 50's day, then year book signing day. So we had fun picking out her clothes for each day, as she normally wears uniforms to school, but doesn't have to next week.
Also, some much needed rest was in order for today as yesterday she spent half the day swimming with her friends - because of which we are both a little red in spots. After she was done and had taken a bath, we decided to head out to do a lil ' shopping and have dinner out. We drove the 35+ miles to Houma instead of driving the other way into town. We had an excellent dinner at Olive Garden - and though I probably shouldn't have (cause surgery is coming up), I had a VERY delish Italian Margarita! It was very good! I looked it up on line and this is what I found:
According to the menu, the Italian Margarita is made with Sauza Gold Tequila and Triple Sec. It's served on the rocks and with a shot of DiSaronno Amaretto on the side.
On the rim: Orange-flavored sugar, one orange wedge and one lime wedge. I believe it also has a bit of limeade and orange juice in it. I've never had Amaretto and it was so very good. Instead of a harsh shot like Tequila, it was pretty sweet. I definitely suggest trying it next time you eat there!
After dinner we ran into Academy Sports and bought Nat some pool items - she wanted flippers like some of the other kids have. She also got a new kick board, and a cute pair of Sketcher shoes that are made out of a material much like Crocs. We spent so much time in there looking around for new darts and stuff that we were unable to make it to Sam's Club before they closed. So on the way home we had to hit up a grocery store to stock up on some snack items and usual necessities.
I have so many things swirling around my head the I want to make sure I include in this post! LOL! Let's see, first I'm happy to say I am once again acne free. Yay! I've finally found something that I think helps a lot. Clean & Clear Advantage Oil Free Moisturizer. I used to not be able to moisturize cause I was afraid it would create more acne - and now that I am 34 it seriously hit me that I'm getting old and it's time to take preventative measure against wrinkles. This lotion contains a bit of Salicylic Acid, so it helps prevent blemishes as it moisturizes. Of course the Levaquin antibiotics the doc gave me helped REALLY knock out this last break-out and fast too!
Also I wanted to elaborate on my last post about women. It seems I just always attract *those* types of women that cause problems or are just plain mean into my life. Sometimes it's a cashier at the store that's having a rough day and takes it out on you, sometimes it's people you cross paths with doing errands, or sometimes it's people that find my blog or other "homes" and approach me cause we have a common bond such as cancer or scrapbooking, where we've lived or past occupations. One day I ran into this much older women in an elevator, who so rudely asked me what's wrong with your face. The tone was less than concerning or friendly. It took all I had to bite my tongue and not say nothing, what's wrong with yours. I understand that my acne can look bad, but come on people! It's just plain rude to point it out or make remarks about it. I hate it and how it makes me look - which is why I often hang at home till it clears up. But beings as mine is always stressed induced or possibly a side effect of my meds, it's hard to keep my skin clean and clear and under control. Believe me, I've tried!
And the last topic up for discussion. As most of you know, since my recent diagnosis of recurrent breast cancer earlier this year, I've tried hard to re-gain my faith. I am not a religious person by any means - and no, I am not claiming to be born again or to have found God. It's just since the cancer has come back I've tried really hard to be consistent with praying. I figure that there are so many others out there praying for me that I should at least be praying for myself too. I've struggled a bit with this, as I said I'm not really religious. I asked Ruben for help or guidance, but he was unable as he still prays in Spanish as that is how he was taught. I already receive The Daily Word (both email & booklet - a co-worker of Ruben's sent us a subscription when she heard the cancer came back.) Well the other day I came across some of my old belongings. It's really quite odd because of the story behind it. It had been back in like 2002 when I had just transferred jobs, prior to just having my 3rd miscarriage. I had received an item in the mail from the Shrine of Our Lady of the Snows that is in Belleville, IL - near where I had grown up. The funny thing is I haven't been there since I was a kid, and they knew my current last name, and where we had lived at that time. What they had sent me was a card. A card that is a prayer for healing. I had hung on to it at the time because I thought it had an eerie significance. And finding it again after all this time just drives home that point. As I sit here struggling with how to "pray" or ask for help, here is this card that inside reads:
O 'Mother of Mercy, healer of the sick, look with mercy on me and comfort me in my time of trouble.
Pretty fitting right? Well the other side reads:
Dear and blessed Lady of Lourdes, you bathe all in your radiant light, and soothe the suffering with healing waters of the spring you revealed to St. Bernadette. Though I am far from your sacred grotto, look with compassion upon me. See my need for your healing love. See how my body fails me. See how troubled is my soul. I ask you humbly not only for healing, Mother Immaculate, but to wash away my doubts and misgivings, to solidify my faith, to open my heart to you healing love, and the love of your Son, thus to see that this suffering, which now seems overwhelming, may soon be healed.
Tell me, coincidence or not? I may lack faith, but I do believe that everything happens for a reason. I think this prayer card is just what I was looking for in my quest of "how". Although it doesn't cover everything, it is a very good start. Usually I just ask for all my family, friends, and loved ones to be looked over and ask that they all have health and happiness, but beyond that I struggled. This is very specific for my needs of healing, as I am so done with this cancer thing. I just wish it was done with me! Don't worry, I'm in no danger of becoming overly religious. I just wanted to share that with you. It's weird how things work sometimes! Have you ever had anything like that happen to you? I would love to hear about it!
Well it's about time to wrap this puppy up. So the plan for this week is that on the 20th I get my MRI and I should most likely know more sometime Wednesday. Then the 22nd is the day of my surgery. At least this time I have a much better feeling about it. I'm telling ya, you should always listen to your gut feeling. I'm actually glad things worked out the way they did. I feel more confident with this surgeon and she clearly has no problems involving my other doctors as they have all been in touch with each other, which bottom line means better care for me. Don't you agree? Hope y'all had as good of a weekend as I did. I will keep you posted as I get info this week!

Happy Day

Yesterday I spent my day at the hospital doing fun pre-op stuff. no matter how many nurses you tell that you have bad veins, one will always "think" she can hit it without hurting you. Why don't they ever listen? I left the lab with a nice busted vein from the needle being poked around my hand as she fished for a vein. Seriously, do they like hurting people like me? Let's just hope that anesthesia listens, otherwise come the 9th I'll be screaming like a crazy lady telling them to get the effing needle away from me! I am NOT a pin-cushion!

Today I digi-scrapped a basic layout for this digi-freebies challenge on Scrapbook.Com. Still learning my way around wishing I could do better. Guess it just takes more time and practice. Also I received my very first paycheck for blogging. YAY! Doesn't matter much cause it's already spent. LOL. Trying to figure out what to treat myself to for Mother's Day, but it's hard when you just buy stuff whenever you want it. Just like I told Ruben that once this is said and done and I kick cancer's ass again, I want something special - I have my mind on a tattoo, maybe a nose piercing, who knows. He isn't fond of either idea. He tells me it's time to grow up - but I can't help it that I still have some wild child left in me. You best believe that when my hair grows back after chemo I'll be putting some pink in it or something. It's been so long since I've done anything even remotely wild and I can just feel it eating away at me. I removed my last piercing, my tongue ring, when I was first diagnosed back in 2005. 2004 was when I had purple highlights in my hair as I left my job to become a stay at home mom. Well I'm not your average suburban mom or manager's wife. You can't keep an animal caged, especially when I have so much rage inside of me. That's why I want to do something when this is all over. Having cancer come back just reminded me how much fight I still have left. The disease ignited a flame and fuels so much rage within myself. I don't want to be here again. I hope this is the last time I ever have to deal with this.

On another note, tonight we saw Iron Man. Man was the theater packed! But it was so freaking awesome! I had just seen something on E! and jumped in the shower and said let's go! Didn't know it had just opened today. We don't get out to the movies all that often - most we'd rather just see at home, but this was one definitely worth seeing on the big screen! i'm glad we saw it today cause it's gonna be a busy weekend around here! Ruben's little brother flies in on Monday to stay for the summer and help out while I have surgery and go through radiation. It's a relief knowing that someone will be here to help with Natalie. Then of course Friday is the big day. I'm still very nervous about it, but I think that it is because there has been too much time between the office visit and the surgery date. Too much time for my brain to sit here and process and over analyze it all. For like the first time I can ever really recall I'm scared. Man I hope that's not a bad sign! I know there's a lot of people out there thinking about me, hoping for the best. I sure hope all that karma does it's job. Don't fail me now......

Scrapbook Party! Doctors, Taxes & Travel!

Sometimes having a hubby that's a manager at a slot manufacturer & is friends with many people in both sales and casino service has it's benefits. Technically I shouldn't have this glass - the only reason I do is because it has a small fracture in it and the glass was going to be trashed - but a lil gorilla glue and it's as good as new and will soon be hanging in my scrap studio. The hubby sure knows how to please me = )

I was quite surprised when he brought this home last night. Yeah it's been almost 4 years since I quit the casino business - and since living outside of Nevada, I can't even recall the last time I entered a casino. Down here things are a bit different, our gas stations don't have video poker machines sitting in them....and now all our quarters and dollars actually make it into a coke piggy bank for saving. So when I saw this I had no idea that such a thing existed. Who knew the worlds of scrapbooking and gaming would collide?

So tomorrow I meet with another oncologist, and this time I hope to get some real answers! I've been reading up and have found 4 published cases that state current tissue expanders do not have to be removed as long as you don't add any saline to them during the course of radiation as doing so would throw the aim off. I honestly have no problem with removing them IF I have to, but first you have to give me a valid medical reason why and not a I don't know.

Then following that appointment I meet with my pain doctor. I want to go over the prospect of degenerative bone disorder (if this isn't metastatic) and find out what this means for me. I mean am I going to end up in a wheelchair by age 35?

I'll try to stop in afterwards and fill ya in, but Saturday we have taxes to do. I know, we are horrible procrastinators - but tax season scares the shit out of me. Especially when the hubby has an overly inflated income for 2007 because some of it includes our moving package. See it wouldn't be so bad if we actually GOT that money, but since it went for things like rent, paying the moving company & paying part of the commission for our Real Estate Agent - it really sucks ass that we get hit hard by both local & federal taxes for something we didn't actually get. I so hope we don't owe this year. Last year we got lucky by like $600. I am so hoping for the stimulus, but something tells me that the government is going to be fooled into thinking we earned too much for it. I wonder if I can write off my homeowners premium, which was like $4500 last year? That might help. I'll have to check into that and see if it can be itemized!

Oh and as if taxes weren't bad enough, Ruben leaves Sunday for Mexico City for like 3 or 4 days. He had to go downtown and pay to get a rushed passport, like $300. Rumors are swirling all over work, even all the way back to the Vegas office that he is up for various positions. Ha! I'm not moving again, or at least not yet unless they give use something that neither of us can pass up. I love my house here! Probably just some people with nothing better to talk about, stirring the pot. Never believe what you hear unless it comes directly from the source!

Viva La Mexico

Sorry, I haven't been posting much about our daily life's - I'm still waiting to see a (new) doctor and get some news. But in any case I'm sure that some people are wondering how everything is going. I'm still hanging in there, got lots of doctor appointments lined up for the next 2 weeks - some 2 a day! To make matters worse with scheduling, cause someone needs to be here for Natalie, Ruben is being sent to Mexico City for work for like 4 days. He leaves the weekend before I start a 2 hour Stampin' Up class that runs once weekly, for 3 weeks. It's bad enough that with the (sometimes) double appointments, I won't be home in time to meet Natalie's bus. Luckily, our neighbor Nina is working out of her home and will be there when the kids (her son goes to the same school) get home, and Arlene (another neighbor) has 2 older kids who can babysit - and both have been so supportive and helpful. I'm not sure what I'd do without them, without them I'm really not sure how it would all work out - I probably would have had to drop out of my class.


Natalie came home from school this week with April's school newsletter in which she was on the cover for raising the 2nd highest amount for their diabetes fundraiser. I recall the day a couple weeks back when she came home from school excited about getting the medal, but I never got around to posting a picture - so here it is below.