Where to begin......

Yeah, I know, I've been missing for bit. Haven't made any posts lately because, well for one I've been enjoying my scraproom with a project I am working on, and the other reason is because I've just had a lot on my mind that I was hoping would pass and I could let go of.

Lately I've been trying this new thing out. Instead of getting all upset on the spot - like I might normally do, I am biting my tongue and sleeping on things to see how I feel about them later. I want to make sure that I am being rational and not emotional. Because I am one to fight back if attacked, it means that I often have to turn away so not to shoot death rays out of my eyes. It's been hard, real hard - but sooner or later I will reach my boiling point and likely go off on the next person to piss me off.....below is just a smidgen of it all.......

There has been so much drama going on around here I feel like I'm back in high school. People twisting things, lying about things, people running their mouths, people trying to cause drama - oh and people sucking up, people acting like they are so much better. I'm sick of it. Then there are the ones who make snide remarks about my daughter which really gets me. Just cause she can be dramatic (and what child isn't?) people are assuming that she is or can be a liar. Now there is a big difference between exaggeration, trying to test the limits, and flat out lying. She's tested her limits with some, or has said things that others have taken the wrong way - but she has not lied. Some people think that she lied about the night someone tried to pick her up...all cause she wasn't hysterical when she asked for a walk home. But I sat with my child and heard her tell me and 3 different cops the SAME EXACT story. I also found out from her re-telling the story, that when she asked for someone to walk her home that before she could even tell why she needed help she was told they were too busy, and she kept saying but, but - and each time she just got shut down and was told to just go cause it was dusk, and she lived just across the street, and they were busy, and to shut the door. Hearing her tell me that after the neighbor said to me make sure she's telling the truth made me so furious. If a child is asking for help, it's because they need it - not just for the hell of it. Seriously people, how am I supposed to react to this? I mean if you have a problem with me - fine. But she is just a fucking kid, and trust me when I say no child I have ever met is perfect! They ALL say or do something. I've watched and heard fights then have the kids lie straight to my face about what happened. Natalie has been ridiculed by one lil' boy who has repeatedly told her she's chubby - then ask her if that means she'll be fat like her mom. When I overheard that I really had to walk away before I said something nasty about him. The whole thing pisses me off greatly cause when any kids are here, I treat them just as I would my daughter - and for some, that affection and attention is more than they get at home and definitely more than what my daughter gets when she's in someone else's care. I can tell you now it's only a matter of time till I explode. It's not just some of the kids that are pissing me off, but some of the parents as well....and I don't need this bullshit. I have enough stress of my own. So in a nutshell that has been my life for the last couple weeks.

Oh, and as if that weren't enough - yesterday I met with my medical oncologist. The good news is that I am NOT a gene carrier for the BRCA I or II breast cancer gene. Yippee! That means that there is no way Natalie has it - so that's the best news ever! I'm still waiting to get my Oncotype DX test results, however the doctor and I came to an agreement to go forward with the chemo, even though I really don't want to. I'm not looking forward to it, and I'm certainly not happy about it. I guess you could say I just said screw it cause I'm honestly tired of waiting. It's been 8 months. I just want to get on with my life. I've been waiting for 3+ years to get reconstruction done so I could turn the corner and finally start a new chapter of my life - one that preferably doesn't have cancer in it. I see my plastic surgeon tomorrow for a follow up. I doubt he'll want to continue until I'm all finished with chemo and healthy. Then Thursday I have some labwork to do. I have to collect all my urine tomorrow for 24 hours - that should be fun. Then Friday I have my Muga Scan to check out my heart. The following Friday I have to sit through a 2+ hour class on chemo. I then will start chemo the next Monday. That's how we'll kick off Thanksgiving. I believe I am having 4 sessions of a Taxotere/Carboplatin combo. He didn't tell me how we'll do the 4 sessions.....last time I went every other week. So this is how I will be spending my holidays. The sheer thought of it makes me sick. Seriously, I feel like puking now and I haven't really eaten anything since I found out....though I did have a few beers last night. I really need to stop from shutting down - I was just starting to get out of my room and be more social with the neighbors, though you can see what that got me. Right now I don't even want to scrapbook or blog - I just want to go take a hot jacuzzi bath and curl up in bed. I've got a brand new pair of Saints pajama bottoms just waiting for me. So I think I will try to get that bath in before Natalie's bus arrives.