Recent Ramblings

So much to share I don't know where to start.....

• First off it appears my holidays are safe from the awful chemo treatment. My search for a new doctor will take a while as for one place I am on a waiting list to be called and assigned an appointment - and the other place needs my medical records first which I am trying to gather from the many doctors who have been involved on this case. So a big sigh of releif there!
• We are done with all our Christmas shopping - however it all still needs to be wrapped, packages sent and of course I still need to stuff the envelopes so that I can get the cards out this week. Blah! But at least all the rope light wrapping is soon to be done for this year at least. Yay!
• Friday Natalie has an appointment to meet with a board from the Arts Program for Gifted and Talented Children. I've had a few request to post her work, but I have yet to get her drawings back that were used in their decision. I swear though, I will post some work just as soon as I can!
• In case you were wondering - yes we still have major drama issue going around over here. We are totally fed up with the situation and say to hell with them all cause it's not just the kids saying mean things to Natalie like "all of you are fat, stupid and ugly", or one coming to our house though he's not allowed by his parents to come play here, he still comes just to ask her friend that is over playing to come play with him and not invite Natalie. It's become such a rude, ridiculous intrusion that we no longer allow it to happen after the 3 attempts he made this weekend. Oh and then after a whole day and a half, when it came time to go home - these so called friends gave Natalie's friend a hard time for staying the night and didn't want to play with her anymore. It's ridiculous and I'm tired of it. The parents are just as bad as their rotten kids are. They gossip and cause drama just as much as any high school student does. We were labeled as outcasts before anyone ever even attempted to get to know us - that's how small minded and immature these people are. They're all trying to one up the others, they all act like best friends yet the second one of them walks away the other is all bad mouthing them. It's insane. But you know what? I don't give a fuck what these morons think of me or my family. They don't know us in even the slightest bit - but whatever. Ruben and I will just stick to the general pleasantries if we must, and remain friends with the few who truly deserve it. We've learned to keep our mouths shut cause each time we say something, someone twists our words and tells all the neighbors some screwed up version of what used to be the truth! Neither of us will waste one more second dealing with their hypocritical double standard bullshit.....ya know what really ticks me off? I expected this kind of crap in Vegas, but not here. What the hell happened to southern hospitality and charm? I expected them all to have manners, not act like some hillbilly white trash inbreeds. Yeah, see, I can be judgemental too.....ok, time for a new subject.
• I finished reading the 4th and final novel in the Twilight Series. I really liked the series, though it got a bit strange in some parts. For the most part though, it did stay true to the whole forbidden love story that drew you in in the first place. Oh I think I forgot to mention that I also saw the movie on opening night at twilight amidst a bunch of oohing and aahing tween girls. The movie stuck mostly to the book, though I did find some areas particularly cheesy. You can tell they did it on a low budget. Speaking of low budget movies - I caught The Lost Boys The Tribe on TNT last week. Oh man, straight to DVD then it's shown on cable in the middle of the night. Ugh. Let me just say it deserved it too cause it was pretty crappy. Shoulda just been a made for TV piece. They tried to keep Corey Feldman looking young and playing the same role he did in the first 20 years ago. However Corey Haim outgrew his baby face and ability to look so young. I think they cut all his scenes but the last one which made you wonder what the hell has happened in the last 20 years. The original was such a cult classic and the 2nd was just a piece of crap that should never have been made. I'm glad Ruben talked me out of buying the DVD when it came out - but I'm sure a bunch of Corey fans bought it.

Where to begin......

Yeah, I know, I've been missing for bit. Haven't made any posts lately because, well for one I've been enjoying my scraproom with a project I am working on, and the other reason is because I've just had a lot on my mind that I was hoping would pass and I could let go of.

Lately I've been trying this new thing out. Instead of getting all upset on the spot - like I might normally do, I am biting my tongue and sleeping on things to see how I feel about them later. I want to make sure that I am being rational and not emotional. Because I am one to fight back if attacked, it means that I often have to turn away so not to shoot death rays out of my eyes. It's been hard, real hard - but sooner or later I will reach my boiling point and likely go off on the next person to piss me off.....below is just a smidgen of it all.......

There has been so much drama going on around here I feel like I'm back in high school. People twisting things, lying about things, people running their mouths, people trying to cause drama - oh and people sucking up, people acting like they are so much better. I'm sick of it. Then there are the ones who make snide remarks about my daughter which really gets me. Just cause she can be dramatic (and what child isn't?) people are assuming that she is or can be a liar. Now there is a big difference between exaggeration, trying to test the limits, and flat out lying. She's tested her limits with some, or has said things that others have taken the wrong way - but she has not lied. Some people think that she lied about the night someone tried to pick her up...all cause she wasn't hysterical when she asked for a walk home. But I sat with my child and heard her tell me and 3 different cops the SAME EXACT story. I also found out from her re-telling the story, that when she asked for someone to walk her home that before she could even tell why she needed help she was told they were too busy, and she kept saying but, but - and each time she just got shut down and was told to just go cause it was dusk, and she lived just across the street, and they were busy, and to shut the door. Hearing her tell me that after the neighbor said to me make sure she's telling the truth made me so furious. If a child is asking for help, it's because they need it - not just for the hell of it. Seriously people, how am I supposed to react to this? I mean if you have a problem with me - fine. But she is just a fucking kid, and trust me when I say no child I have ever met is perfect! They ALL say or do something. I've watched and heard fights then have the kids lie straight to my face about what happened. Natalie has been ridiculed by one lil' boy who has repeatedly told her she's chubby - then ask her if that means she'll be fat like her mom. When I overheard that I really had to walk away before I said something nasty about him. The whole thing pisses me off greatly cause when any kids are here, I treat them just as I would my daughter - and for some, that affection and attention is more than they get at home and definitely more than what my daughter gets when she's in someone else's care. I can tell you now it's only a matter of time till I explode. It's not just some of the kids that are pissing me off, but some of the parents as well....and I don't need this bullshit. I have enough stress of my own. So in a nutshell that has been my life for the last couple weeks.

Oh, and as if that weren't enough - yesterday I met with my medical oncologist. The good news is that I am NOT a gene carrier for the BRCA I or II breast cancer gene. Yippee! That means that there is no way Natalie has it - so that's the best news ever! I'm still waiting to get my Oncotype DX test results, however the doctor and I came to an agreement to go forward with the chemo, even though I really don't want to. I'm not looking forward to it, and I'm certainly not happy about it. I guess you could say I just said screw it cause I'm honestly tired of waiting. It's been 8 months. I just want to get on with my life. I've been waiting for 3+ years to get reconstruction done so I could turn the corner and finally start a new chapter of my life - one that preferably doesn't have cancer in it. I see my plastic surgeon tomorrow for a follow up. I doubt he'll want to continue until I'm all finished with chemo and healthy. Then Thursday I have some labwork to do. I have to collect all my urine tomorrow for 24 hours - that should be fun. Then Friday I have my Muga Scan to check out my heart. The following Friday I have to sit through a 2+ hour class on chemo. I then will start chemo the next Monday. That's how we'll kick off Thanksgiving. I believe I am having 4 sessions of a Taxotere/Carboplatin combo. He didn't tell me how we'll do the 4 sessions.....last time I went every other week. So this is how I will be spending my holidays. The sheer thought of it makes me sick. Seriously, I feel like puking now and I haven't really eaten anything since I found out....though I did have a few beers last night. I really need to stop from shutting down - I was just starting to get out of my room and be more social with the neighbors, though you can see what that got me. Right now I don't even want to scrapbook or blog - I just want to go take a hot jacuzzi bath and curl up in bed. I've got a brand new pair of Saints pajama bottoms just waiting for me. So I think I will try to get that bath in before Natalie's bus arrives.

How do you deal with kids & their drama?

Ever since moving here it seems we're constantly facing an uphill battle when it comes to neighborhood kids and the melodrama that accompanies them - and I'm just not sure how to handle it!
Usually when Natalie and her friends are having problems getting along, I usually just tell them to chill out and work things out for themselves. I try not to involve myself too much for many reasons, 1 being that the kids need to learn how to play well with one another and solve their own problems, and 2 that as a newcomer myself to this neighborhood, I feel that I don't have solid, secure friendships with all or even most parents. I don't want to make a rift with others, which is why I often put up with nerve-wrecking, cry-baby, tattle-tale behavior from kids on the block. The only time I really get involved is when Ruben and I have just had enough bickering or when there is a fight, and someone is left crying cause they are hurt. Which is to say that we REALLY tolerate A LOT! I do this so that I can gain friendship for myself, as well as for my child. I don't want her to be the neighborhood outcast! Trying to fit in with new neighbors is NOT an easy task. I find that when I'm not keeping to myself, I am going out of my way to say thanks or buy expensive gifts just so my child can fit in and have playmates. I even bite my tongue when I see how certain kids regularly use her for the things we have, and abuse her at times by being out-right mean. Sometimes just sitting and idly watching can be so heart-wrenching for me, because she truly does not deserve the way she is treated at times. As if that weren't bad enough, I often hear kids making rude comments to her, asking if she will end up being fat like her me, or other people pointing out qualities as if she's the only kid on the block that has them. You don't see me telling others that their kids are constant tattle-tales or crybabies - nor telling the kids to stop coming over just to use her for her material possessions. My guess is that parents will always see their child as an angel, who can do no wrong so they always place the blame on others. Well if only those parent really knew how their kid behaves when not at home! I know my child is no angel, and in no way innocent - but I also know that it always takes two to tango, this is something I've witnessed for myself and have even been out-right lied to by other kids as they are trying to save their ass.
But in spite of it all I often find myself wondering why she is singled out, why some people behave the way they do around her, why she is excluded from certain activities or rules, but mostly just how to cope with all the drama without punishing the few good friends she has, or herself.
Luckily next week Grandma will be here visiting for 3 weeks which means she will be spending most time inside away from others - and shortly after she leaves, our new neighbors and their 4 kids will be moving in and she will be making more friends, which I hope will go smoothly.
Tell me, what advice do you have for me regarding these issues other than moving, as that's really not an option since I love my house so much! Please let me know your thoughts on this subject as I could really use some help here!