Learning to cope.

Don't worry, I'm still here, and I'm still pissed, but it's getting better. You would think after 4 miscarriages and 2 failed reconstructions I would be better at coping with loss, but I'm not. These recent events did nothing more than send me back into another depressive state. Don't worry, soon I will cycle out of it and be happy or as happy as a bitch like me can be. I have a lot of anger left about all this, but it's mostly because I don't want this to be all for nothing. I don't want to waste another year of my life waiting to undergo surgery again. When I see the doctor next week I am going to ask him if there is anyway he can put another expander in now since I still have an open wound. Of course the fluids leaking from the wound need to decrease greatly before that's a possibility.
In fact a couple nights ago when Ruben was changing my dressings, he pulled out the gauze and saw that I still had excess fluids inside the wound area. So I thought ok, gimme a pan and I'll lean over and let it drain. Well I put the pan up against my chest and began to raise up. Upon doing so my knee nicked Ruben in the nuts and he went down in pain. I lost focus and the fluid went all down my side and got all over the bed. I had to be cleaned up and changed as well as the bed. Not a fun experience for any of us. But now we know no more bright ideas like that!
Other than that, I really have to say that I have the greatest husband in the world. Through nearly 8 years of marriage and over 9 years of being together, we've really had some tests and strains, but if what he's been doing lately isn't a sign that he loves me I don't know what is. I am very blessed to have him! Especially since I feel like I have been (or am being) such a burden to him. The man carries the weight of the world on his shoulders, with work and home - juggling it all, yet he never falters and puts up with all my shit. I mean seriously, for the last few days I have just been like one seriously pissed off cat. I just attack his ass the second he walks in the door - RRRREOOOOOOOOOOOW, but he knows to just back away and leave me alone till I calm down. It's not his fault, it's just being caged up all day in bed - bored and pissed off. I shouldn't yell at him, but crying into the pillows and hitting the bed hasn't helped. It wouldn't be so bad if this wound would be sewn shut and healed so I could start being active again. The only time I go out is for doctor's appointments. I actually want to get on my elliptical machine to work out some aggression but can't. So not being able to do anything is only adding to the problem. Ya know, one can only watch so much E!, and VH1 - not to mention like how many times can you read TMZ? After a while you know all the gossip in Hollywood and become rather bored with it all.
Maybe I should trying gaming to pass the time. I can't even recall the last time I played solitaire. I tried playing my DS for a while, but became very bored with the handheld device, and I can't play Wii right now since it involves too much arm action. So maybe I should try some poker or slots. I know somewhere around here we have a disc from IGT of different video games they just came out with. A little harmless gaming might be fun to pass the time, of course there's always movies to watch if I would just get up and put them in, but it's a pain messing with the surround sound and having like 4 damn remotes! But I do seriously need to catch up on all the past seasons of Grey's before the new season starts on the 27th. Yay! I can't wait. At least that there gives me something to look forward to. God I love Thursdays!