Demons

Don't get me wrong, I want to clarify right off the bat that I love my husband very much, and bless his soul the man is putting in over-time taking care of me. For the past two weeks at least, he has done a wonderful, yet hard job of cleaning up my incision sites nightly, and applying fresh bandages. Honestly I couldn't ask for a better man to be my husband, my partner in this journey called life. However, I think the poor man is getting more than he signed up for - the cleaning, the caring, the pampering, all on top of having to clean, medicate, pack, and bandage a big, gnarly, gaping hole in my chest. The man truly deserves the "Husband of the Year" award! But despite it all, there is one flaw - he is an enabler of sorts, he allows my demons to get the best of me. Let me explain. It seems that for nearly 2 months now, I have been battling an ever growing case of insomnia. Nothing seems to help me sleep - not Melatonin, Lunesta, or Ambiem. Even my stash of medications and ever potent pain killers are no longer doing the trick of knocking me out. On occasion I will luckily succumb to sleep with the aid of Benedryl, but it's not something you take daily. During my insomnia streaks, I often lay in bed restless, trying to relax and drift off to sleep, but most often the restlessness annoys me and I am prompted to get up and move about. I often roam the house through-out the night. I go downstairs, get a drink, go to the bathroom in which I often spend wasted time gazing in the mirrors at my imperfection and often find myself picking at my blemishes. Sometimes I venture into my scrap studio and not able to organize my mess, or work on any projects, I'm left with the computer, playing on-line, passing the time till I feel like I might finally be able to sleep. Sometimes I'm out at 3:00, others I'm still awake at dawn. Last night was no exception to this. I don't recall what time I actually knocked out, but I remember being up at my desk around 4:00. So obviously when this happens, I am often sound asleep come time to wake up. So what does Ruben do, he lets me sleep. When I finally awoke today, I freaked upon realizing it was 2:00 in the afternoon! When I asked him why he let me sleep half the day away, his response was that I looked peaceful. However sweet, it doesn't help with my insomnia - in fact it just adds to it. What I need is regularity and a somewhat strict schedule - especially now more than ever as school starts next week! Agh! I feel so unprepared. At least we will have 3 weekdays to work on a schedule before school is actually in session - god help me!