Failed again.

It's been sort of a crappy time for me. I saw the doctor on Friday worried about the hard tissue in my breast, which he assured me would just dissolve on it's own. Upon hearing that, we had been relieved because we thought it might have something to do with fat necrosis, which could have required surgery. He commented on how the wound was looking great, but still did not close it up.

Fast forward to Saturday. I noticed I had a headache, and the aches/pains were back in my shins - which has been rare these days, given that I am on narcotics 24/7. I also felt feverish. Ruben disagreed with me, but the thermometer did not. I had a fairly low temp of 102. Both the pain and the fever has since been intermittent.

Sunday morning I awoke Ruben at 7:30. My gown, tank, and bandages were soaked. I had actually felt it earlier in my sleep, but thought it may have been from sweating after a fever broke. He changed my bandages as usual, hoping that it was the hardness dissolving that had caused all this excess fluid. Later that afternoon, it happened again. I was soaked. And all through-out this time, I had done nothing out of the ordinary. As Ruben changed my drenched bandages this time he noticed something new. Aside from the quarter sized hole I've had for weeks, it appeared I had a "new hole". Beyond this new hole, he thought he saw something plastic. Immediately he call my doctor, who asked to see me in his office Monday after he finished up his surgeries.

Monday morning came and went without any problems. After arriving to the office pretty drugged up as I usually do when I know there's going to be something done, we were told that we were indeed seeing the tissue expander. Of course in my drugged up state, I do not recall much of the specifics - like how this occurred. What I do remember was a some clipping done on my hole (either to remove fatty tissue, or to make it bigger), puncturing a hole in the expander, draining the warm fluid out of the expander that accidentally ran over my side and got half my pants wet, and the doctor trying to ease the expander out from under my muscle without causing too much pain. Luckily I was drugged, and held my eyes tightly closed through-out the process. I recall asking how long I have to wait before we can try again, but I do not recall him letting us know when it would be possible. Hell I don't even know when he intends to sew close this wound! I have a follow up appointment with him next week in which I hope to get several answers if not procedures done! In the meantime there is no more use of that nasty green ointment. Instead Ruben has to pack my wound with gauze - meaning that he has to actually take this gauze roll, unroll it, and use his finger to push it in the hole in my chest, to fill that area underneath the skin with this gauze so that it will absorb any fluids. I know it sounds gross, and trust me, it feels even worse. It feels as though some of the hard fatty areas are now gone, but it's hard to say as there is no partially filled implant under the tissue pushing it all forward.

So once again, I have another failed reconstruction, except this time it involves the left breast instead of the right. And once again, I will most likely be uneven given breast size, just opposite to the original way. I have no idea when this will recover, or when I can undergo the procedure again. I don't even know at which point he will begin with the saline injections to increase the size of the right expander. All I know is that my hopes for big, new boobs for Christmas is gone, and most likely (especially with my luck) it will be a year before he will attempt it again. All I know is that I am beyond pissed off. I took things as easy as I could this time around and it still got fucked up. So all I can do now, despite my anger, is wallow in bed as I am still recovering, and be pissed off at the world.

Oh, and if things aren't bad enough, I woke up this morning with a wonderful cough/cold. And this afternoon it rained and stormed a bit, so it's nice and gloomy out. Isn't life just grand?