We have cows!

As I have previously mentioned, it's spring here in Spring Creek. Actually I'd almost say summer as I am suffering from my first sunburn since moving here.....and I wasn't even doing anything other than standing outside the school talking with other mothers! When I came back I noticed my neck and arms are burnt bad, and quite painful to top it off!

Anyway, back to the cows. Over beyond the hills, behind our house, there is a rather LARGE cow farm. Day in and day out my daughter and I see these cows as we are heading off for school. These poor cows make this very long hike over all the hills and through the wild brush and grass, to cross over Lower Lamoille Road. Now Lower Lamoille Road runs directly behind our house, and meets up with the highway, Lamoille Road the road that takes us to school, and it's also the only road that goes into town. They hike across the valley and hills JUST to seek out water from this little creek that is near where the two roads connect, then they male the long journey home. During certain times of the day you have to be very, very careful as you drive down the road so you don't hit a cow. So now I am on the lookout for cows and deer.....the coyotes I could care less about. I'm not about to risk wrecking my Durango just to swerve and miss hitting a coyote - on a curvy, bumpy, dirt and gravel road!

So the other day as we were leaving for school, I remembered to take along my camera and ended up getting some really great shots! There were lots of baby cows and even a bull (I do believe but I'm not sure so sure, cause it had utters?.....but it did have horns). Other than that I really wouldn't know as I am not formally educated in the sex of farm animals, or any other animal for that matter. So below are some of the pictures I took. Hope you enjoy them.

After last night, boy am I glad I didn't give up hope

I knew something big would be in store for the Grey finale. I have waited all season for Meredith & McDreamy Dr. Shephard to get back together or share one last kiss, and last night it happened and a whole lot more! Now I have to wait all damn summer just to find out what's going to happen next with this love triangle between Meredith, Finn the Vet and Derek. Will Derek finally leave his wife like he should have in the beginning? After all, she did cheat on him first,and although he's trying to make it work, he knows he doesn't love her. But I guess until August when the new season starts, I will just have to watch season 1 over and over again as I have it on DVD.....and in the first episode it shows McDreamy's naked butt!

On the other hand, I told my hubby what my ultimate vacation would be. You see, I am a major gossip junkie. I buy Star, In Touch, US, Celeb Living....you name it I buy them. I told him my ultimate fantasy vacation would be to go star gazing. I wanna go shop at Kitson's, I wanna see where they live. I even told him I want to meet Nick Lachey, to which he laughed cause he said I would probably throw myself at him. I told him that would do no good, he wouldn't be interested in me. And I told him about that last post about him, I was going to put in there that I would give my left breast to have one night with him.....but then that would mean, that he (Nick Lachey) would have a bigger chest than me! LOL. But I told Ruben instead how I may take Nick in a heartbeat, that I wouldn't give him up for the world, and that seemed to make him happy once again. But I don't know, this is really beginning to be a tie for 1st between Dr. McDreamy Patrick Dempsey and Nick Lachey. Oh why can't I be one of the beautiful people, that's rich and gets everything her heart desires. Maybe I need to write a sob story to Dr. 90210! Get a nip, a tuck, a lift, some suction, some Baywatch implants, some dental veneers, a tat or two removed. Then ask MTV to Pimp my Ride - although there's not a damn thing wrong with my '04 Durango, but I would love a custom paint job, chrome wheels, and maybe a few more TV monitors. Then I guess to top it off, since I just recently for the 3rd time accidentally nearly shaved my head again - right when it had finally grown out to a length I could blow dry and somewhat straighten again - get some really long straight hair extensions! I really am blonde (despite the red tint I dyed my hair) for accidentally whacking it off again. Keep those damn hair clippers away from me! But even still with all that, it wouldn't change who I am on the inside, or the fact that everyday I'd be coming home to my one and only true love, Ruben.

But a girl can dream, can't she?

Happy Mother's Day!

Wishing all of you hard working mothers, who work 30 hours a day 8 days a week ~ a very Happy Mother's Day, because I know as much as you, that as a mother, we rarily get appreciated for the job we do day in and day out.

Enjoy your day of pampering, and all the gifts you receive from your children 's school that may be made out of unidentified clay shapes, and painted and lovingly sprinkled with glitter!

~Grey~

In just two nights my world will start to crumble as I watch the 2 part season finale of Grey's Anatomy on Sunday and Monday. After that, what all will I do with myself? I mean it's pretty obvious at this point there is no Meredith and Dr. McDreamy, not after he practically called her a whore last week. That alone nearly broke my heart and made me want to quit watching, but then I though - hey the finale is coming, they have to have some big cliff hanger planned for it, right? So I still have SOME ounce of hope to hang on to. I'm also curious how this season will end for The Sopranos, and really hope that Big Love comes back for a 2nd season as I am soooooo hooked on it now! The only thing I have to look forward to this summer is the beginning of another season of Last Comic Standing - thank god, because I was worried it would be a long boring summer in Vegas....not to mention hot as hell also! My only other hope is to get some scrappin' done - that is if I'm still invited to Cynthia's house.
My mom HOPEFULLY should be well and on her way home, or at least that was the plan she mentioned to me the other day. I just hope that the doctor's do not find her to be in complete liver failure! Both my husband and I have offered to be tested to find out if either of us would be a match for a liver transplant. My useless brother did nothing of the sort. Instead his wife and kids went to Disneyland for a week, and hasn't called since. If she needs a new liver, she could die before ever getting one from a transplant list, and he's apparently alright with that. It was one thing when he never called, sent flowers or a card to me after finding out I had cancer. I decided then and there that I never wanted to see him or talk to him again - including his family. It was really hard for me not to pick up the phone and give him a piece of my mind by giving him a new asshole, but Ruben convinced me that he's not worth the time or the effort - but now that we are talking about our mother, the woman who carried him in her tummy full term, and housed, clothed, and fed him for 18 years of his life - not to mention bailed him out of just about every financial hole he dug himself into. This fuels a new rage and is really taking every little bit of effort I have not to go off on him and his wife. The only thing I can hope for is Karma, because if he ever needs a family member for anything, there won't be a single one of us around to answer his cry for help.
Okay, so enough complaining about my loser brother and his wife because I'm already starting to get a headache! My scrap room remodel is coming along just fine with LOTS of help from my husband. He wanted the desk drawers emptied so bad, that he got up early last weekend and did it himself. So now almost everthing is unpack, although nothing is near being organized! I've gotta get on it, so I can take some goodies with me to Vegas. I had been telling my Ob/Gyn doctor here that I've been feeling run down and have drank a few energy drinks to get me going or have taken some caffiene pills - basically, she told me that what I was doing was way bad. My immune system is shot, and if I am feeling run down, then I need to stop and rest, cause sleep is the only way to get over it. So needless to say, with my horrible immune system I have now gotten everyone in the house sick - yeah. I just love feeling like I'm going to cough up a lung, it reminds me of the days I used to smoke. It also makes me very thankful that I quit almost 7 years ago. It's one less cancer I have to worry about! But other than still feeling completely run down, I am happy to say I think my depression may finally be under control. This new medicine my doctor put me on is pretty effective at treating bi-polar disorders. I know, I know. Bi-polar, I thought the same thing. I thought it meant only extreme ups and downs, but I guess there are all kinds of bi-polar now. I never thought I would say I was in anyway bi-polar, but this new stuff he has me on has been working wonders. No more rage and tears coming from stress over being late. I still worry some, and I still have some panic attacks/anxiety attacks - but not nearly as bad. God before I could get so mad I thought I would or could seriously hurt someone, but my hysterical crying fits were the worst and I couldn't understand them because I have No hormone anymore, so what the hell was I crying about! But thankfully, I am somewhat back to the dysfunctional normal I was, or at least getting there. I'm even starting to cook again! Although I still have a long way to go yet, I just try to take things one day at a time.
Well it's off to bed for me, but over the next few days I should be updating my Flickr account with LOTS of new pictures. It's Spring here, and the cows are out everywhere! I'll have to explain that one later. But in the meantime, I will get Natalie's new Spring Graduation pictures I got from her school posted soon.....dunno why they won't post on here! First she's Graduating kindergarten and next thing you know she'll be driving. Time really does fly!

What's Left of Me

Normally I'd have to say that this isn't my type of music, but I'd have to say that the ex Jessica Simpson, Mr. Nick Lachey has moved up on my doable list to number 1. Over the weekend on MTV I watched a 2 hour special entitled Nick Lachey: What's Left Of Me. It was a video journey documenting his split from Jessica, on how he has made this album. I have to say this album is a very good one. He has poored every ounce of his heart and soul into it, and I cannot wait until later this month when it will be released as I want it for my iPod in the worst possible way. For some reason I just cannot fathom WHY Jessica called it quits. This man is totally gorgeous, he has rock hard abs and arms, cool tats, and beautiful blue eyes, making him oh so yummy! And even though he recently told Rolling Stones that he still loves Jess and would re-marry her without a second thought, I would take him in a heartbeat - just as long as I get to hose him off first! I just don't understand what it is that us women do to men to hurt them so much! Some of us really should be ashamed of ourselves. He was quoted as saying that the only way he knew his marriage was over was because he was told it was over. Just like that, that bluntly. Jess has some growing up to do. She married way too young to fully appreciate a man like that. And while part of me hopes and prays that they will reconcile, the other hopes he will find something bigger and better that he fully deserves. Jess has A LOT of maturing to do! I don't mean to be so harsh on Jess, but I too married too young once and I learned my mistakes the hard way. And while I may take Nick in a heartbeat, I wouldn't dare give up my Ruben for the world! If you have some free time, why not take a look at his new video on AOL. I think you just might like it. What's Left Of Me.

The beginning of a new week

Well it looks like Spring has finally arrived to Spring Creek (YAY!!!!), the weather is a li'l bit warmer and FINALLY we haven't had any snow at all in almost a week! Sometime this week I should be getting back Natalie's Spring School pictures and Graduation pictures. She graduates Kindergarten on the 2nd (WAHOO!!!). I can't wait because they have this whole little ceremony with caps, gowns and a whole presentation planned. Yes, I will be armed with camera in hand - both digital and film, while Ruben shoots video on the camcorder.
Last week Ruben was in Reno for part of the week for some kind of Latino Management Class series that go on for 6 months. It sucks, but I guess it's a great honor for him to be nominated to attend since it's an event held outside of work through another company. But while he was gone I was sick the whole time - fun, fun! It seemed like I had some type of infection pouring out of every ounce of my body. I had an eye infection, I was running a fever while sweating the whole time, I couldn't eat, I was sick to my stomach, I have had a really bad bladder infection that I have to call the doctor about today. Because I am in some desperate need of antibiotics in the worst possible way. You know it's real bad when it hurts to pee, then to top it off you have either blood in your urine or blood clots. Because you know that no matter what, something is definitely wrong then! Hell, even my acne from stress was oozing this yellow discharge, jus like my eye did. And the bloodthing - well let me just say it's a REAL freaky thing to see even the slightest bit of blood coming from that area when you've had a complete hysterectomy last year. I just pray it's nothing major! God knows I do not need anymore major health problems, especially when next month after Nat's graduation we will be going back to Vegas for me to undergo reconstruction again - if it takes this time, I hope! Otherwise, if the plastic surgeon says it's too soon still we plan on going to Disney for a few days as a surprise for her summer vacation.
We just got back our tax return - and even though we had to buy a new refrigerator cause ours crapped out on us (it was leaking water), and that we also bought a Norditrack Elliptical machine (to get us in shape and get all sexy looking again!), and a new HP scanner, we still set back more than enough money needed to go to Disneyland and the California theme park for more than a few days. It wasn't like I needed a new scanner, my Epson one was fine, the only difference was that the Epson only scans up to 11.7" long and the HP scans up to 12.3". I was tired of scanning LO's and stitching them together with Panorama Maker, only to find the top or bottom had been cut off. While I was at it, I almost bought a new wide format printer, but I just could not find one that I liked enough to justify buying - or at least not at this time. I guess first I really need to scrap some and use some of the new goodies I've already bought - that is if I ever get around to unpacking and organizing my new scrap room. I can't put it off for too long because I'm going to want to take some of it to Vegas with me to keep me occupied while I'm down there for the next 3 months....and of course to take with me to Cynthia's to use when I invite (LOL!) myself over to her scrap palace - hope you don't mind Jeff! Actually I'm just kidding, I would never be so rude as to just invite myself over, I may hint at it (HINT, HINT, HINT - LOL), but I would never just show up there as I know his kids will be visiting for the summer, and them getting to spend quality time together is more important than me scrapping with my Idol.
Well it's just about time to get Natalie ready for school. I hope that Josh (Sonia's husband) had a great birthday this past weekend, and that this turns out to be a great week for everybody!
Till next time, keep on scrappin'!

Chaos all over!

After months of procrastination, I woke up Saturday morning to find out that my Husband packed up my scrap room, had thrown everything out, and had started tearing everything apart in order to finally build my custom desk and shelves. We had scrap supplies busting at the seams in every upstairs room of our house. They crowded our bed, our daughter's room, and even her bathroom and tub. In the middle of it all, we had to go out and get more supplies just to get it done, and we barely made it to bed prior to 1am! Just so we could go to sleep, everything was just kinda shoved back in there for me to unpack and organize over the next week or so. It is a major mess, and looking at it makes me think, my god, where did all of this stuff come from? I serious have to purge my supplies that I'm not going to use, because just like my grandpa, I have turned into one huge pack rat! Since you're probably sitting there thinking that I can't possibly have THAT much stuff, take a look at some of these pictures:

To check out all the before pictures, just click on my Flickr Badge.

Hacked

Friday night I found out that my account at ScrapSubmit.com no longer exists, and neither do my layouts and such that were posted there. There was a message on the site that they have been recently hacked into and have lost a lot of memberships. As frustrating as this may be, I have decided that rather than re-register with them I am just going to re-direct everyone to 2Peas in a Bucket. I already have most LO's posted on their website, all I have to do is add whatever is missing, update my template on here to remove Scrap Submit's link, and add a link to 2Peas.

If you already know where to find the Gallery, just click on Peanut Search and enter the Username ScrapAddictNV - or you can follow the link below that will take you directly there!

ScrapAddictNV's Gallery on 2Peas.

The urge to scrap

Never have I had the urge to scrap like that of money burning a hole in my pocket. I want to create something so bad, so freaken bad I swear I think it hurts! No wait, that pain and hurting feeling I'm having would be my toe, and right now it's pretty much the only thing keeping me from scrapping, and the reason it's hurting is because close to 4 years ago, I had an accident and injured myself and broke my toe. I know, I know, you're thinking what does 4 years ago have to do with today - well 4 years ago I stumbled and stubbed my right pinkie toe on a stair master and broke it. It never seemed to heal right and hurt for 6 months after and to this date I had a lump on the underside of my toe from where the bone did not heal correctly. Well this morning as I rushed to get Natalie ready for school, I tripped and stubbed my toe on Danny's (Ruben's little brother) dufflebag. I knew immediately that I broke it. It hurt bad, and I was cursing up a storm. My shoe wouldn't fit on my foot, it hurt like hell to walk or stand on, and just now when I looked at it, it was all blue and bruised. Aside from the toe, I can't scrap anyway. My scrap room is in a complete mess. I would have to clean off my desk just to make a mess again,and scrapping would certainly piss my hubby off as I'm supposed to be packing that room up so he can start custom building my new work area. I know, I know - I'm such a procrastinator! I've been talking about packing it up for weeks and haven't gotten anywhere. I definately need way more energy and time in the day - andmaybe a good kick in the ass to get me started!

Happy Belated Easter

Well the Easter Bunny has come and gone, and while he left no eggs behind to hunt for, he did leave Natalie a bounty of toys along with her basket. She got lots of Barbie stuff in her basket as well as some candy. Then aside from that she also got Elina from Barbie Mermadia, and 3 of the Merfaries to go with her. And as if that alone weren't enough, she also got The Ice Age 2 Meltdown playset and some extra action figures to go with it. It's the one where the sloth rides a block of ice through a loop. She was quite excited about all her toys, so the egg hunt didn't matter much to her - she's never really been into that whole thing anyways.

This morning we woke up to about 3" or more of snow. I'm just wondering when will this ever end!?! I am so sick and tired of snow! I want spring to come and see everything blossom and bloom and all the little critter come out before I have to head off to the desert heat of Las Vegas for the summer. Although it snowed today, and again a few days ago - we have had some nice days in between.

Ruben actually came home somewhat early one day, and took Natalie outside to fly her kite. This was a first for her. She loved it so much she can't wait to do it again! Except hopefully next time we'll all go down to the park, so both her and Ruben can fly their kites at the same time. This time, instead of flying a kite while watching Natalie, Ruben played fetch with Lexie. Below are some pictures from the experience.

Hope you all had a nice visit from the Easter Bunny!

What a relief!

Man today has just been a great day. After Ruben got off work, we went to H&R Block to get our taxes done. Yeah I know, $200 or more to have your taxes done is ridiculous - especially when I USED to be an accountant, but it's nice not to have any other headaches than getting everything together that I need. Luckily I put together a worksheet of all my medical expenses, and that amoung other things really helped to pay off. Ruben and I were both shocked to learn we will be getting back more than $5300.
It's great now that everything is coming together. I'm feeling a lot better these days, but still worry excessively about my mom. Every since her specialist mentioned that she may be in liver failure, she has become quite depressed. I really wish there was something, anything, that I could do.
I would like to go beat some common sense into my brother, so he'd at least offer to get tested to see if he's a match. I just don't understand how you can live knowing that the woman who gave birth to you and housed you for 18 years may just die if she doesn't get a kidney. Even my own husband who's not flesh and blood offered to be tested. Some people I just don't get or understand, and I feel so aweful for both her and my dad. They just set themselves up for the retired life down in Mexico, and then this comes along and screws everything up.
But I still belief that which doesn't kill you, will only make you stronger - and everything happens for a reason. I'm not ready to lose my mom from this just yet, so I gotta believe that there will be a positive outcome to this somehow. I just wish she didn't have to go through it.
My family has been through enough problems in the last 5 years or so. And it seems that more and more it's all happening back to back. But Ruben and I promised each other that this year was going to be a better year, as we've determined bad things happen to us on odd years - someone gets cancer, or dies, etc. But now my mom has just blown that theory out of the water, even though WE are back on track to having a better year for ourselves.
I just hope the good vibes keep flowing our way for a while longer!
Here's a picture of 3 generations of strong women, when my mom was at UMC Hospital on 3/11/06. Thankfully she's out now, and will hopefully be on the road to a full recovery soon!

A beautiful Friday morning to kick off what will hopefully be a great weekend!

Today is the dreaded day, the day we are having our taxes done. I'm still working somewhat on the medical expenses I can claim - which so far has been WAY more than the 7.5% of our adjusted gross income. But once this whole tax thing is behind me I can start concentrating on other projects, like packing up my scrap room so it can be remodeled, as well as getting back on track getting estimates for new carpet and tile and a few other things. Now that it's spring I might finally be able to get our 3 acres of field brush chopped down, and a new concrete circular drive done.

I learned last week during Parent/Teacher conferences that June 2nd is Kindergarten graduation. I'm so excited because they actually have this whole little cap and gown ceremony.

Also, I nearly forgot that we had our 2nd visit from the Tooth Fairy! Natalie lost her 2nd tooth on the 11th! It had become so loose, I barely had to do anything to remove it. But you can hardly tell that she is even missing teeth since the second set have grown in so fast!

This morning around 8:30 or so, Natalie pointed out to me that we had deer in our yard. It was somewhat unusual for deer to be out this late in the morning, but it was a beautiful site to see a herd of around 8 gathered out back. It was a nice way to start the day.

Aside from the deer, I have a picture to post that I'm not really sure what it is or what to call it. This statue can be found on I-80 heading towards Salt Lake City, and is just past the Utah border a little past Wendover. Maybe someone out there can tell me what exactly this is supposed to be????

Hope ya'll have a wonderful weekend!

Good News, Bad News - The Story of my Life!

Last weekend I got an email from my dad saying that my mom has FINALLY gotten in to see the GI Specialist, but instead of talking Liver Cirrhosis, this doctor seems to think my mom is in liver failure. After reading some of the signs/symptoms, I could see how my mom's been leading towards this with her diabetes and other problems - not to mention the amount of meds she takes daily. So that's the bad new. After reading the email, I called her up on my way to SLC to go to my favoritie scrap store All My Memories. I told her to let her doctor know my medical history.....with the breast cancer, and having my gallbladder removed. As far as we know, my cancer has never spread beyond that lump of breast tissue, but I wanted to let her know that even though she is O- and I am O+, both Ruben and I am willing to go through the donor match program to see if either of is would be a candidate. They have some more tests to do on her first - biopsies, etc. So we'll find out eventually.
So on now to the good news, the GREAT news! I got a call Wednesday just as Natalie and I were finishing up getting ready to leave for school. A woman from the Social Security Appeals Office had called and asked if I had receved anything from their office, to which I hadn't. She went on to say that my pending appeal had been approved, and they just needed to get some additional information. She went on to tell me how much a month I would be getting, as well as how much a month Natalie would be getting up untill her 18th birthday. It's great to finally have won one battle with these people. She saidI should be getting a deposit within the next 2-3 weeks, but when I called that day to check my account HALF of my backpay was already there, and the other half was deposited the next day! WOOHOO. I feel rich like, LOL! All I know is now I can buy scrap stuff and not worry so much about it. Natalie has a college/wedding fund set up. Now we also have extra money for savings for all those home improvements we want done. It almost feels like Christmas! Matter of fact, I'm already making all my "wish" lists of things I'd like to have, just wish those darn QuicKutz weren't so damn expensive!
Anyway, I hope everyone else is feeling a little better. It's almost time for me to go pick up my honey, seems like forever since I've last seen him, as all he's been doing this month is traveling! Oh, and last week it wasn't to Montana, it was to Wyoming. This whole week he's been in Seattle. I think he'll be spending the next few weeks at home, I hope!

As Spring Break draws to an end....

It's back to school on Monday (thank God!). But during this week away, I feel as though I barely accomplished anything. I made a few cards, and I'm working on a swap that I need to mail out tomorrow. Yes I know, I'm a procrastinator, it's just there's been so much going on in my life, most days it's impossible for me to get up before noon. I don't know, maybe it's because I just haven't adjusted yet to the new meds they switched me to, or maybe I'm still trying to make up for staying up till 4 am for those 4 days the week before last. I don't know. All I know is today for once I am happy, happy that my husband made it home safe last night - safe and soundly from his trip to Montana that he drove to and from. And unfortunately it snowed during his trip and he drove through the Rocky Mountains both ways. I'm also happy that after nearly 4 days we finally have TV again because after snowing here too, I somehow knocked the Dish Network receiver out of place, but luckily, my husband fixed it better than ever and I have TV just in time to watch The Sopranos, Big Love, & Grey's Anatomy on Sunday. I paniced at the thought of missing those shows, especially now that Tony just woke up from his coma, and I am still holding out for Dr. McDreamy to leave his cheating wife and go back to Meredith Grey. Big Love has me intrigued as you never know, living up here, 3 1/2 hours away from Salt Lake, I could be surrounded my Mormoms/Polygamists and I'm curious by their lifestyle - not that I would EVER join, just curious, besides, it is a funny show. C'mon you can admit it, a man with 3 wives is funny. I'd feel sorry if my husband had 3 of me. He'd probably shoot himself and me for that matter! But I'm so glad to have my TV and DVR back, cause yes, I am a TV junkie! As it is I have already missed so many shows, I can forget about this season of AI cause I'll never catch up now! But I miss Medium, Las Vegas, ans CSI!!!! So for the last few days I spent my time re-watching the 1st season of Grey's Anatomy on DVD. Dr. McDreamy is so hot! It's funny, I never saw the first episode of that show and you see his naked butt, even hotter. I never thought Patrick Dempsey and the word hot would be coming out of my mouth, but it is. He has done a lot of growing and maturing since his WooWoo Kid days, and Can't Buy Me Love. He is definately something sexy to look at now and not some awkard looking kid! I definately suggest you all watch, at least once and see for yourself if your not hooked. It's like ER meets Sex in the City. It comes on ABC. Up here we are on Utah time so we get it an hour earlier than the reast of you, but check your listings. I even managed to get my hubby addicted to it.
Anyway, I've got another card to make and this swap to finish, but below is the card I finished the other day using my Quickutz die cutter and ribbon by MM Cosmo Pink/Brown and some MM Pink Staples. the pattered paper is made by PC. Inside in pink carstock in skinnimini Katie font in upper and lower case it reads: You're so Sweet!

















Till next time enjoy and be good!

Beautiful Card for an ugly week

Last week I got in the mail a handmade card from Cynthia. It was a beatuiful thank you for a small little book I sent her to bring her laughter and joy. Let me just say that her wonderful card made my day! Every since getting back from Vegas I have suffered insomnia something terrible and for about 4 days straight I stayed up until 4am. This left me very tired, not to mention the cold I had, and complete acne chaos going on after the stressful visits with my doctors and seeing my mom in the hospital. Because of all this I ran a little late one day getting Natalie to school. Instead of the teacher asking me why I was late, my daughter told her when asked that "my mommmy takes lots of pills". While that is partly true, a kindergarten teacher should know better than to take a 6 year olds word for complete honesty. Not to mention the fact that she has no idea what I take or when. I never heard of any of it till days after the fact, and was never asked to explain or anything. Then one day I ran a few minutes late to pick her up. I thought nothing of this because I had an arrangement with another mom, who told me that she would stay with Natalie anytime I was running late. Problem was, when I arrived at the school neither Natalie, or Tracy were anywhere to be found. I sat there wondering what to do, wondering if she somehow manage to sneek her way onto a bus, as I've often noticed the teacher not paying attention to who needs to get on the bus and who doesn't. So I sat and waited. I figured the buses would be back shortly, and I knew that if you weren't at the bus stop to meet your child, the driver would bring them back to school. So after about 20 minutes I get this call from the school asking where I am, saying that they have Natalie in the office. I told the lady calling that I had been sitting in the parking lot looking for her for the last 20+ minutes. The principal and teacher brought her out to me, but said they couldn't release her to me in my condition? I asked what condition that was, because other than being sick and tired I was fine. I hadn't taken any pain pills that morning, just some cold medicine. The principal went on to say how I looked as though I couldn't manipulate a vehicle, yet she didn't see me pull into the parking lot (and yes, I was parked straight!), so how would she know? She told me that there were other days that week that I had sat in my car for long periods of time after droppping her off or picking her up, and it looked like I was struggling, but if anyone had come closer they would have actually seen me sitting there, as I often do and talk on the phone- better that than drive and talk, right? Well they must have really thought I was doped up or something because they refused to release her to my custody, and called my husband. They also proceeded to call Child Protective Services on me. At the present time I cannot be home alone with my child or drive my vehicle. Ruben had to bring his little brother up here from Vegas to babysit us both. Not to mention he also took away my pain medication that is prescribed to me to take every 8 hours, and only administors half a pill a night to me. He doesn't beleive that I USUALLY don't take any during the day, and if I do it's only a half tablet and it's usually first thing in the am or after we get home from school. Now I can't help it if I looked shitty that day given my lack of sleep, and being sick, and god knows when I stress and get acne, I get it bad! But that's no reason what-so-ever to assume I neglet my child or would put her in any type of danger - ever! And it's no reason to call an agency that can potentially take my child away from me. It makes me downright furious! Especially when they have no clue as to what they are talking about. Ruben took my meds away from me to please CPS. I have no idea what is to happen next, as not a single person has called and talked to me, or come to the house. They seem at ease with Ruben's plan, no matter how much it hurts me. I will be getting a statement from my pain specialist's office to further back up the fact, that (A) I do not take them every 8 hours - otherwise I would need monthly refills and at the end of the month I end up having a great deal left over (B) That the medication he is prescribing to me is not too strong for me to take more than 1 half of a pill every night, and that I have been on this medicine for so long my body has easy adapted to it's potency and I am at no risk to be driving.
But the thing that really bothers me and hurts me the most is that my own husband doesn't even beleive me. He thinks I'm an addict just because at night before bed when I take all of my pills there will be time that I may stumble around or pass out - well gee I wonder why, ya think it could be cause I just took all my nightly medicines and am ready to go to sleep? He often goes on ranting and raving how he doesn't beleive my pain is real, just as he doesn't believe in my depression. You would think that he of all people should not only know it, but beleive it as he is witnessing it first hand. With all this mis-trust and dis-beleive I wouldn't be surprised if a divorce is soon to follow, and as I cannot work and have no where else to go, I often wonder what will become of me. Surely he will fight for custody and win. How am I to support her, let alone myself? I cannot go back to work now like this. I'll never be insured again if I get dropped from his plan. Sometimes I can't help but to think the worst as this has been a long hard road, and no step of it has ever gotten easier. In about a month I will be getting a decision on my disibility claim, and while the woman sounded very positive that they were not going to turn me down, I can't help but to think the worst - denial. So cross your fingers and say a little prayer for me, cause I need this money. It's getting tight with all my medical expenses, pills, appointments, surgeries, etc. And if denial happenes again, I am going to have to hire a lawyer that is going to take damn near half of what they owe me for the past 13 months. Cross your fingers because that will be a huge settlement! Damn it's nearly a whole years pay for most of the people I used to work with. So anyway, for now I await the judgement of CPS and anticipate an approval letter from SS soon (I hope & pray!) I will keep you all posted. Also, aside from Cynthia's card, I got an early Mother's Day gift of a new 4th generation 20gig Ipod- there's no color screen, but that's no big deal, but it does hold nearly 7000 songs all for my listening pleasure, now I just have to fill her up. Know 7000 good tunes? And while mine is white like the one shown, I've already placed a pink iskin on it to protect and give it some color, although I would like to find something a little more different than a silicone condom to sqeeze it in.

Just realized that I haven't really posted since coming bck from Vegas

Friday the 10th, almost as bad as Friday the 13th in my book.......my first dr. appointment of the day did not start the day off right. There were numerous problems there, and a lot of lies coming out of the office managers mouth. But once they actually spoke with the dr., it was all straighten out and both had apologized. Luckily my other 2 doctor appoinments for the day went well. But man was it great to get my back snapped and to get my trigger point shots!
Satuday I got up a little early to take my dog to her 10 am appointment at the groomer's. For once I thought I would do some thing really nice for my husband, since at home he's always the one to take my Durango in for whatever it needs. So I took his Ram over to Terrible's and changed his oil, since it was almost due. Then I bought him the best wash & polish to go with it. His truck was absolutely covered in mud, and I honestly can't remember the last time I've seen it totally clean inside and out. While they washed and waxed, I sat and played Bonus Poker. I ended up cashing out and winning $80. So basically, after the oil change and the wash, I broke even. Now that we are back home the Ram is once again just as dirty as ever!
After finishing up Saturday with the groomer's and errands, we went to see my mom at UMC. She didn't look as bad as I thought she would, that was until I saw her drain. I would estimate that it was a circle in her stomach of about 5" diameter and what appeared like a catheter bag that drained and collected the fluid that was accumulating in her stomach from her liver. It was a harsh site. I expected it to be more like the ball bulbs I had when I had my many breast surgeries, but this was a much different site. (Since then they have finally released her, although she is still leaking, and she is staying at a friend's house in Vegas, while we wait for the doctor's to come up with a permenent solution - as the problem is not going to fix itself.)
Monday, I followed-up with my last doctor apointment, then we hit the road for home. Once again, he changed my meds. How am I ever going to start feeling like myself when they keep changing my meds on me? So anyway, we got home late Monday night, as Ruben had to return to work Tuesday morning.
Since I have a few other posts to make today, let me share with you before and after pictures of Ruben's Ram.
Before - after a day of muddin' when the truck wasn't even a month old:









After, almost looking brand spanking new again:

Tagged (again) Sometimes I think I shouldn't read other's blogs!

1)Legal First name?
Angela (middle name) Christine
2)Were you named after anyone?
Somewhat. I was a January baby, and while my Mom and Grandma put up the Christmas tree, they kind of discussed baby names. My Grandma gave my Mom an Angel that sits on the tree, and somehow that is how they came up with my name. Angela Christine for the Angel of Christ.
4)Do you wish on stars?
Now that I can see them way out here in the Country – sure, every now and then.
5)When did you last cry?
Yesterday at my doctor’s office.
6)What is your favorite lunch meat?
I don’t really have one. I very rarely eat sandwiches, unless of course we are at Subway or Port-of Subs, then it’s a BMT or a #1 - Ham, Salami, Capicolla,Pepperoni & Provolone.
7)What is your birth date?
January 26th.
8) What is your most embarrassing CD/tape?
Oh boy….not even really sure what CD’s I own anymore, but I know I have some Country ones like Tim McGraw and a German Rock band called Rammstein.
9)If you were another person, would YOU be friends with you?
Hmmm, I’d have to go with a yes. I have my moments, but most of my friends love me in spite of them!
10)Do you use sarcasm a lot?
Uh, that would be daily.
11)What are your nicknames?
Ang & Honey top the list now, but when I was little my mom called me Peanut Butt and Petunia.
12)Would you bungee jump?
That’s a hard one, in my wild days yeah – but I’m afraid of heights, so I think someone would have to push me!
13)Do you untie your shoes when you take them off?
Nope, too lazy – put them on already tied too!
14)What is your favorite ice cream flavor?
Neapolitan. Italian Spumoni. Pistachio Almond.
15)Shoe Size?
9 ½ to a 10 – depends on what type of shoes.
16) Red or pink?
Pink SHOULD be my color for breast cancer, but I can’t seem to give up Red, Black or Blue.
17)What is your least favorite thing about yourself?
Right now? My hair. I hate how it is growing back! But before that it’s mostly been my weight.
18)Who do you miss seeing the most?
My friend, Rhonda who lives in Reno. Although it’s only a 4 hour drive to see each other now, life always gets in the way.
19)Favorite past-time?
Scrapbooking, TV, shopping.
20)What color pants/skirt & shoes are you wearing?
Still in my jammies, so no shoes. Red tee and red plaid flannel pants.
21)What are you listening to right now?
My daughter playing alone with her Barbie’s.
22)What did you eat for breakfast?
I don’t really do breakfast.
23)If you were a crayon, what color would you be?
Pacific Blue….or anything in the Blue family.
24)What is the weather like right now?
Cold with bits of snow still on the ground.
25)Last person you talked to on the phone?
No one yet today.
26)What is the first thing you notice about the opposite sex?
Their eyes and smile.
27)Coffee or tea?
Neither. I get my caffeine from Soda! Preferably Mr. Pibb.
28)Favorite Drink?
Mr. Pibb or Sonic’s Strawberry Limeade.
29)Hair Color?
Just dyed it Burgandy a few weeks ago, and on Saturday to keep the color from fading I added this Funky Cherry 8-10 week mousse dye.
30)Do you wear contacts?
Yeah because I hate wearing glasses!
31)Favorite Food?
Hmm, Steaks from The Star, my MIL Enchilada’s, and Korean Kal-bi with rice & kimchee.
32)Last Movie You Watched?
A lot Like Love (again- I so love that movie!), Monster-in-law, and Be Cool (again!)
33)Favorite Day of the Year?
Sunday – so I can watch Grey’s Anatomy and The Soprano’s.
34)Scary Movies or Happy Endings?
Happy endings most definately!
35)Summer or winter?
Hard to decide since I haven’t been home for Spring & Summer – but I know this, I hate Elko Winters and Vegas Summers!
36)Hugs OR Kisses?
Depends on who from…..I like both!
37)What Is Your Favorite Dessert?
Carrot Cake.
38)Have you ever won any awards?
Not any worth remembering.
39)Do you have any tattoos or piercings?
Only my ears now, but I used to have my eyebrow, tongue and belly button pierced (in my skinnier days!) and I have 5 tattoos, which is my limit. I have A rose on my ankle, a rose band on the other ankle, a rose on my right shoulder, a frog & lily pad on the left shoulder, and a custom tribal on my right bicep.
40)Living Arrangements?
I live in a house with my Hubby of 6+ years, our 6 y/o daughter and our 3 ½ y/o cock-a-poo dog.
41)What Books Are You Reading?
Scrapbook idea books, and a book on Digital Photography for Dummies.
42)What's On Your Mouse Pad?
Nothing. I don't use one.
43)What did you watch last night on TV?
Grey’s Anatomy, The Soprano’s then Big Love.
44)Favorite Smell?
Pearberry bath & body stuff from Victoria’s Secret.
45)Favorite Junk Food?
Ice Cream.
46)Rolling Stones or Beatles?
Neither. Ick!
47)What's the farthest you've been from home?
I grew up in Illinois, near St. Louis, MO. and the sumer before my Senior year of HS we moved to Hawaii.

Now I tag everyone reading this!

March 8, 2006 - Back to Vegas......again (REVISED)

I have learned that I should not make posts late at night when I am tired and cannot think. I tend to leave things out, and since my fingers are too big for the keyboard on my laptop - I often mis-spell things. So for started, let me just say that if memory serves corectly, March 8 is the birthday of an old friend of mine, and I meant to do a happy birthday shout out to Bryan, who I hardly get to talk to anymore, but I hope is doing well! Secondly, let me go through the post below and correct all the errors I made and fill in the info I forgot........

Well as it stands, I am leaving tomorrow after Natalie gets out of school to head to Vegas for a short trip. I have doctor appointments on Friday and Monday....yay (not!) Sometimes I really hate these trips because there is so much running around packed into just a few days. Friday alone I have 3 dr. appointments, Saturday I take my dog in for grooming, not sure what Sunday holds, but I need to see my Mom while I am there, then Monday I have another dr. appointment before we hit the road and come home. Originally I was going to have to go this trip alone - well with my daughter and dog too of course. Ruben had a class, but managed to get out of it, thank god, cause I just don't know if I could make the 7 hour drive by myself. I hate mountains, I hate snow, and worse yet - I hate driving in them - even though I have studded snow tires! But Ruben got out of the class, with a catch. I intended on driving back on Tuesday cause anyone who lives up this way knows that you do not drive around here at night....there are lots of deer and elk, and driving can be totally unsafe. But his boss is coming here on Tuesday, so we have to frive home Monday night regardless, which totally sucks.....a 7 hour drive after all that Vegas traffic and my doctor appointment means we won't get home till around midnight. Anyway I couldn't make the trip on my own as I usually end up sleeping most of the way. I do this to not stress over Ruben's fast driving or passing, and aside from that, I wouldn't even really know how to get there or back. I know, we've been to Vegas a million times, but still, when your eyes are shut you can't tell which way you are going! Also I know it seems like I am always going to the doctor, and trust me, it's not JUST that it seems like I am, but I am!
We have so much remodeling to around here to do, but never have the time to do any of it! I've been trying for a few months to get estimates so we can get carpet and tile installed, but first I have to pack up my scrap room so Ruben can remodel it (I want it to look more like Cynthia's and be more organized!). I also want so badly to do something with the yard. We need major curb apeal, but being winter, snow or not, it's hard to find someone to clear the brush off my 3 acres of land and pour a concrete circular drive. It also doesn't help that Ruben gets so busy with work, some days I am half temped to get the trimmer out myself and cut the bushes along our house - which are fairly over grown! But me and powertools do not get along well, or at least that type. And yes, we do still have the majority of our Christmas decorations up, as I'm not about to climb on the roof, at this point we might as well just leave them up till December! Oh, and what's even worse is that Ruben with all his Ebay ventures and working at home after work he hasn't found the time to do much either.......ugh! Hell we still have bathrooms and closets to finish painting and some spot work to do as well. Let me just say, although I have only helped a tiny bit, but PAINTING SUCKS!
I don't have much info yet on my mom to update. It sounds all very confusing. They say she doesn't have cancer, yet she is supposed to see an oncologist. That there makes no freaken sense to me. And what ever fluid has built up in her stomach is now leaking, thanks to massive surgeries from UMC - they did like 4 surgeries on her in one week! No one can tell them anything about what's going on, let alone answer my dad's questions. What surprises me the most is that my mom has remained so docile about this even though the nurses nearly killed her by ODing her on Morphine. That's NOT my mom at all, if she's not happy, no one is! Trust me, my mom is the Queen of Bitches - when she wants to be. I'm really surprised that she hasn't ripped someone a new asshole by now. It must be all the meds they are pumping into her, cause really, anyone who knows my mom is afraid to eat with her because she will complain about the slightest thing being wrong with her food, then we all have to wonder if the chef spit in all our food. But I really can't say too much on the subject, afterall I am JUST like her....just look at my medicine drawer and if that's not enough proof for you ......ask my hubby. He'll tell you that I am every bit as picky, pushy and controlling as my mom. What can I say, I know it's true - everybit of it, but I did learn it all from the best (does that make me the princess of bitches?).....and I'm certainly no push-over. I'm very opionated, strong willed, I have to have my way - always, and up untill childbirth, I was very much a cold hearted bitch - emotionally stable and solid as a rock......now I cry when I stress, I cry when I watch certain movies, sometimes I cry for no apparent reason. This confuses me because I have no hormones, especially not estrogren! Motherhood has killed off the cold hearted bitch that I was and made me sappy, but I'm still not a push-over. But hopefully these dumb ass doctors will get their shit together soon, and she can be released without having to return to the ER again within a few hours.
I'm so glad (and LUCKY too!) to have some of the best if not really great doctors taking care of me, but then again, I won't tolerate any shit.
I sure hope Vegas is warm and sunny, we could definately use some warmth and sunshine!

Back again - and so soon at that!

I didn't plan on making a post this morning, but about 3 am, a very excited little 6 year old woke up asking for a tissue to blow her nose. I later discover this was all a ploy to check if the Tooth Fairy had come yet. Once she discovered that she had, she would not be quiet long enough to go back to sleep. So here I am. I've been physically awake since 3 am. I've gotten out of bed, folded 3 baskets of laundry, put another in the dryer, put my daughter in the tub, and have been working online doing various things. After I get Natalie out of the tub, I will be heating up a nice steak sandwhich from The Star Restaurant. YUM! Nothing like a Star steak. What a way to start my Friday. I am going to be so dead tired, it's not even going to be funny. I can only hope that Natalie will be just as tired after school, so we can nap!

I've realized during my time of drama, chaos and sadness, I had neglegted to tell you the positive things going on in life. My hubby discovered selling on Ebay, and to his own accord has sold off all his collectibles. Prior to either one of us working in the Gaming industry, we used to collect $10 Silver Strike tokens that are fairly hard to get. He had some from quite a few imploded casinos such as the Dunes, which no longer exists. Aside from selling his coins, he also sold off his Monster Truck collection - my baby boy has grown up. I'm so proud! In his first week alone, he made over $500. So he started searching the house for stuff to sell. While he is still on his mission, he has made at least $1500 to date, and has bought us a shitload of goodies. He bought himself a Flowmaster air intake for his Ram truck - he's also supposed to be getting me one for my Durango as well. He's also gotten a new PSP, tons of games, and who knows what else as I am getting packages everyday. What I do know is that out of the kindness of his heart he bought me the 2 other lenses I wanted for my digital camera.


































And on the 18th while watching QVC's Scrapbooking with Creating Keepsake's - which is ALWAYS a bad idea when you have a Q card, I couldn't resist but buy a Quickutz die cutter since they had it on 3 easy pays......I also broke down and bought the matching numbers to the CK Typist font the cutter came with, but since then my hunny has also been gracious enough to buy me the complete classic QK Lucy font off Ebay.







I could go seriously go crazy buying these dies and fonts, and will as long as he's bringing in the dough from Ebay. I swore I would never buy a QK since I have a Sizzix and Sizzlits die machine, but at least I didn't bet money on it or anything. - but now that I have some of the dies I've been waiting for, I can finally finish this Swap I signed up for that is due next month. Am I a procrastinator or what?

Chaos, a baby, and a tooth on the loose?

Well I'm back for a brief while. There is still major chaos going on in my life that I am trying to deal with.
My husband is in Reno for the week, and just found out that he cannot make it to my various doctor appointments next month, so it looks as though even though I have never driven alone to Vegas, I will be on the 9th with my daughter and dog.
Also, it seems no two doctor's can agree on my Mom's current condition....1 says Cancer, another says Liver Cirrhosis. First it was Colon Cancer, then Ovarian Cancer (mind you my mom hasn't had ovaries in 30 years or more), and now they say the fluid in her abdomen is from her liver. She's been at UMC all week and they have already done 2 surgeries on her and plan for probably 2 more. Good thing the insurance is paying for it, because not only can these doctor's not agree, but they love to bilk the insurance company - doing each procedure seperately and deeming it necessary.
But on a positive note, I'm a brand new Auntie to Matthew Makanaokalani - yes he is half Hawaiian, and half Haole. He was a long time in the making, and we are very glad he is finally here after all those years.
Also, my daughter Natalie, who I last posted as having two loose teeth, has finally lost one and expects a visit from the Tooth Fairy tonight. The tooth had been very loose for a while and we had tried everything short of traumatizing the poor kid.....daily apples, wiggling it with her finger, playing with it with her tongue - and nothing helped it to come out naturally. So following a friend's advice who works in a dental office, she told me to give her some advil, put lots of baby oragel on it, wait 5 minutes and yank it out with a wash cloth if I couldn't grasp it with my fingers. Well I tried that a few times, and still couldn't grip it, so I was forced to pull out the ol' spool of thread. She was nervous, and I could hardly get the thread notted around the tooth. Todat woulda been a good day to be a boy scout and know how to do slipknots! I finally got it around her little tooth, when she began to panic. I calmed her down, used the wash cloth to wipe the tears away and waited about 10 seconds till she was calm and yanked as hard as I could. She bled a little, but was so excited she begged me to pull her other tooth, but it's not nearly loose enough. Here are some pictures of her brand new toothless grin and the bag I bought for the Tooth Fairy. Till next time, enjoy!

News, news, and more news.

Sorry I haven't posted in a while. It's been a bad week, and you may not be hearing from me again for awhile.
It all started last week. My hubby was out of town in San Diego for Regional meetings. While he was gone, my week started off badly as my eye swelled shut. It stayed that way for nearly 3 days and I couldn't drive or do anything, since I could only see out of one eye. Then on Friday, once my hubby was home I learned that my Mom possibly has Colon Cancer. The first doctor diagnosed her with stage 4, but didn't do all the necessary tests to confirm it. She went in for a second opinion and now she is being told she has Ovarian Cancer, even though she hasn't had her ovaries since I was born. Granted she was in Mexico, and all this news came from Mexican doctors. While I don't really see how it would be possible for her to have Ovarian Cancer, she does have some form of Cancer. The doctor ran a tumor marker on her blood and it did come back positive. She has excessive amounts of fluid in her abdomen, and needs to have surgery done right away to see what all is going on. I haven't gotten all the news yet, but it looks like they have finally come to their senses and will come back to Las Vegas to allow her insurance to cover her treatments, so we will have to wait and see.
Today, I got an email from my sister in Hawaii who happens to be approximately 32 weeks pregnant, with my nephew Matthew. Since her blood pressure is a little higher than what the OB would like, she will go in tomorrow to have jelly put on her cervix to help it dialate, then on Saturday she will be induced. This will be her second son, so it looks like come Saturday, I will be an Auntie once again.
Then to top it all off, my daughter has been complaining of pain in her mouth. I really didn't put much thought into it, as she has been wishing and waiting for the day for the Tooth Fairy would come to visit. She has complained about this one tooth way before it even began to wiggle slightly. So on Valentine's I look into her mouth and find that right behind her two bottom front teeth, she has teeth that have started to break through the gums. At first we were worried because a second row of teeth would not be good, but upon closer exam I found that her two front teeth are really loose finally, as if she hasbeen willing them to fall out all this time. I've been having her eat an apple every day to help loosen them more and fall out naturally, as I do not want to have to resort to the things my mother did to me to pull my loose teeth out....such as tie a string around the tooth, and the other end to a door knob, and slam the door so hard that to yank it right out. No torturing here, if worse comes to worse, we will go see the dentist and see what he can do with a little novacaine! Not a great picture, but take a look for yourself.

Melancholy

The only word that comes to mind right now, melancholy. My husband has been out of town since Monday, won't be back till Friday. He'll be home for a week or so, then leaves town for another week. It's quiet and lonely around here. Don't get me wrong, Natalie will talk your ear off - and kick the crap out of you while sleeping (she insist upon sleeping in our bed when one of us is gone.) But when you're depressed and alone, melancholy definitely fit the bill.

Then to top it off, I wake up yesterday morning and my eye is practically swollen shut. I iced it all day, and still today it is pretty swollen. I had to call a friend and ask her to take Natalie to school today and bring her home. I'm hoping with a little more ice, I'll be fine come tomorrow.

And it's not like this is the only thing, my drug company decided to drop my Avinza (morphine) from the plan. It's a $365 drug, and now is no longer on our formulary, so now It's a $30 co-pay, instead of $10, and I already pay out the butt for all the meds I take, plus no pharmacies here in town even have any in stock! So I haven't had pain meds since last week and my bones hurt sooooooo freaken bad I feel like if you just accidentally hit my shin, my leg would break. I hurt so much everyfreakenwhere. The Doc's office called today, and they are sending out a new RX for a Morphine generic that will cost a lot less.

I've been trying to do some little projects here and there to lift my spirits, but it's not easy when your heart's not in it all that much. But I need something to take my mind off of other things. Plus I really need to get back into scrapbooking, if I'm going to meet my goals this year and be published. I've also been dabbling in paper crafts and cards. Hopefully I will get on some Design Team or get published somewhere. I need something to get me out of my rut, and find happiness again.

What is real and what is not

My husband believes that depression is all in one's head, like perhaps mind over matter. I do not fault him for his beliefs, as I have many original ones of my own. However, I do believe that depression is real. I believe it as I live with it everyday, and have seen what it has done to others in my family. I know what it is capable of doing to others, and how it diminishes the soul, I know this first-hand. He sees me day in and day out, yet how can he not see what it has done to me and not understand that this merely is not a case of mind over matter? I often sit alone day after day in my bed not wanting to go downstairs to watch TV, scrapbook in my scrap room (which needs to be packed so it can be remodeled), make dinner, or even be with others. And while I feel this way day after day, thinking horrible, unbearable thoughts at times, I still feel this way despite the anti-depressants I have taken since August.
The first one they had me one made me feel somewhat better, but we learned in December that it was (possibly) the cause of the nightly seizures I experienced. So in late December, they switched me to a different kind of medication called Cymbalta. And while it has been nearly 6 weeks now, I still feel no different. In fact I think I may feel worse, because now I am back to weeping and crying nearly constantly. I find myself feeling more stressed, and having more anxiety than ever. And I find myself asking why, why do I feel like this? Is it because I am pre-disposed to depression due to family history? Was it my brush with Breast Cancer? Or was it because something I never thought possible happened to me….a woman, a close dear friend of mine broke my heart and I haven’t been able to get over it?
In the back of my head, I cannot forget it. But then again, it’s really no different than any other person or event in my life. I have always felt vengeful. I can never forgive and forget. Yet I can’t help thinking about it over and over again. How I have sent cards, promised burnt programs (one that I can no longer find the original for myself) and other acts of kindness, yet to get no reply, no thank you, no nothing. I ask nothing of my friends, nothing more than to be a friend. I don’t care if I often spend more on you than you spend on me. I don’t care about keeping track of who did what, about tracking “points” as you may say. And while I may have brought up a few occurrences to make a point, it wasn’t to throw them in her face or make her think that she was a bad friend – which she accused me of. It was merely to show here how much I cared for her, her family and our nearly 7 year friendship. I had only brought up the subject because while going through chemo I had not seen her or heard from her and had been slightly depressed at the time and needed a friend to talk to, to lean on. Which in turn ended up questioning the whole existence of our so called friendship, and ending it – which hurt me more than you could imagine. I think it hurt even more than the cancer did – when someone you love and consider a friend has no time for you and wants nothing to do with you after 7 years, it does break your heart. It hurt that she spent more time talking to virtual strangers than she EVER did to me – EVEN WHEN I LIVED IN THE SAME DAMN TOWN. She had no time to email or call me, yet had time to post and swap and scrap, when she had a friend out there that needed her in the worst way. And to think I was the fool that introduced her to scrapbooking. My husband keeps trying to remind me it is her loss, and not mine, and to just move on with the REAL friends that I do have – the ones that really make time for me, that call me, email me, invite me to lunch or to the park. He says it’s because of friends like her, that he no longer has any “old” friends.
It’s just hard for me, because as much as I love scrapbooking, I would NEVER value paper, ribbon, stamps, paint or embellishments MORE than the life of a person who you know in real life, and is a friend – one that was at your wedding, your baby showers, all the birthday parties, a person who had always been there for them. I have/had cancer and she couldn’t even call to say hi. I could have died, and all she had to say was maybe I forgot what it was like to work and take care of your family.
So I go from mildly depressed to extremely depressed, and I find myself wondering the cause – cancer or a broken heart? It’s like the question, what comes first, the chicken or the egg?

I'm a proud new owner of a brand new lens for my camera

I've been eyeing the extra lenses available for my new Sony Cybershot DSC-H1 for quite some time now. Actually, I think since we bought it over Thanksgiving (my gift for being in the hospital and having my tissue expander removed). I totaly LOVE this camera - I was told it is the best new camera on the market and beats out the new Canon Powershot S2 IS (which is what I HAD wanted). This has the 35mm equivalentcy of 36mm - 432mm, 12x optical zoom, 12x digital zoom, and at 5.1 MP it takes crystal clear amazing pictures! The only thing is that 2 of the lenses I want are $150 each, and the close up lens is $80! It's really frustrating when the extras are so damn expensive and you have already spent over $700 on the camera by time you get a 1 Gig SD Card, a carrying case, and of course tax! But since my birthday and anniversary just passed, I was owed some money - although I have already spent close to my limit on scrap supplies, plus the $600 to remodel the room, $200 in storage containers, and another $200 on ribbon boxes and vertical paper holders. But last night in an effort to stop my lusting, my hubby told me to just go ahead and get the damn thing. So I can have one this month, and one next month....then we'll see if I really want the close up lense or not. I had found some off brands on Ebay at much cheaper prices, but learned from the ONLY camera shop here in town that although they claim to fit my camera and the threads are the correct size, they don't actually work with my current lens and compensate for the adapter ring I have to put on to use them. So no matter what, I HAVE to purchase the original Sony equipment....bummer! So last night in an effort to find OEM lenses at a cheaper price, I searched the internet till my fingers were numb and blue! I finally found an outstanding deal on Amazon. $40 off the price of the lens AND free shipping! Check out my new goodies. Can't wait till it get's here, better yet, can't wait till next month to buy the other lens!
My new lens:

VCL-DH1758 58mm High Grade 1.7X Telephoto Conversion Lens
1.7X magnification for zoom shots that get you right into the action
Designed for 58mm lens Cyber-shot® digital cameras
High grade, 3 group, 5 element design for clear, distortion-free optics

My new camera:
Cyber-shot® DSC-H1 Digital CameraDSC-H1

Get closer than ever with the optically stabilized 12X zoom lens on the Cyber-shot® DSC-H1 digital camera from Sony.
5.1 Megapixel (2592 x 1944 Pixels)
12X optical zoom lens
2.5" LCD monitor1
Super SteadyShot® Optical Image Stabilization
32MB flash memory built-in.
Ranked Highest in Customer Satisfaction
by J.D. Power and Associates.*

Get closer than ever with the Cyber-shot® DSC-H1 digital camera from Sony. With its incredible 12X optical zoom lens combined with Super SteadyShot® optical image stabilization system you can capture stunning long-distance images with minimized blurring, even during longer exposures. It is conversion lens compatible so you can easily add optional telephoto and wide-angle lenses for even greater optical range.

The DSC-H1 features Sony’s precision 1/2.4" Super HAD™ CCD imager which, combined with the Real Imaging Processor™ and 14-bit DXP processor, gives you amazingly detailed 5.1 Megapixel digital images with accurate colors and contrast. Its comfortable SLR body design, 2.5 inch LCD screen1, and live histogram display allow you to quickly and easily compose perfectly framed shots.

Other key features include a pop-up flash, 32 Megabytes of internal memory2, and MPEG Movie VX video capture capabilities. It is PictBridge™ compatible so you can easily print photographs directly from the camera onto compatible photo printers without the need of a personal computer.
• 1/2.5" 5.1 Megapixel Super HAD™ CCD
Super HAD (Hole Accumulation Diode) CCDs provide excellent image quality by allowing more light to pass to each pixel, increasing sensitivity and reducing noise.
• 12X Optical/2X Digital/24X Total Zoom
Optical zoom helps you fill the frame with your subject for better pictures. And Sony’s Precision Digital Zoom helps bring your subject closer with an extra 2X magnification.
• 0 – 48X Smart Zoom™ Feature (at VGA Resolution)
The Smart Zoom feature intelligently uses the full CCD to let you zoom into the portion of interest by cropping the image size–thus avoiding the image degradation of Digital Zooms.
• Super SteadyShot® Optical Image Stabilization
Super SteadyShot® Optical Image Stabilization fights motion blur, even during longer exposures at full zoom.
• Real Imaging Processor™ Technology
The innovative Real Imaging Processor in the DSC-H1 not only improves picture quality and clarity but also improves camera response time, decreases shutter lag and improves battery stamina.
• 2.5" LCD Monitor1
The 2.5" 115K LCD Monitor1 makes framing shots and reviewing pictures easy.
• Live Histogram Display
Available in capture and playback the Live Histogram Displays the concentration of pixels at each luminosity value making it easy to evaluate correct exposure.
• 14-Bit DXP A/D Conversion
Sony’s 14-bit Digital EXtended Processor captures the range between highlight and shadow with up to 16,384 values, for extended dynamic contrast and detail.
• 3 Area Multi-Point Auto Focus
By evaluating 3 separate focus areas of the frame, Sony’s Multi-Point AF system can intelligently focus on the subject and avoid mistakenly focusing on the background.
• Manual Exposure Mode
Manual Exposure Mode provides extended control with 46-step adjustable Shutter speed (30 – 1/1000 sec.), and Aperture control (F2.8 – F8.0).
• AF (Auto Focus) Illuminator
Briefly illuminating the subject, in low–or no-light conditions, the AF Illuminator helps establish a positive focus lock.
• Selectable Focus Mode
Monitoring AF (Auto Focus) helps you anticipate the action by focusing even before you press the shutter release.
• Multi-Pattern Measuring
Independently light-metering 49 points of the frame, Multi-Pattern Measuring establishes the optimum exposure, even when highlight and shadow isn’t centered in the frame.
• Scene Selection Mode
With 7 Scene Modes, parameters can be matched to the shooting conditions. Choose from one of the following: Twilight, Twilight Portrait, Portrait, Landscape, Beach, High-speed shutter and Candle.
• Pre-Flash Metering
With a momentary pre-flash, the camera illuminates the subject and sets exposure through the lens for accurate flash metering. Adjustable flash level and red-eye reduction ensure great flash shots.
• Slow Shutter Noise Reduction
During long exposures, Slow Shutter NR captures the scene, and then the CCD noise pattern with a dark frame exposure. By subtracting the two, even long exposures can be clear.
• Memory Stick® Media and Memory Stick PRO™ Media
Digital. Powerful. Transportable.™ Memory Stick® media is compact, portable and rugged—connecting a variety of hardware and software applications.
• 32 MB Internal Memory Included2
Shoot without a flash memory card with 32 MB internal memory2; Slot for optional Memory Stick®, Memory Stick PRO™ media. Full 32 MB of internal memory can be copied to optional Memory Stick® media.
• 9 Shot Burst Mode
Capture up to 9 5MP shots (fine) or 100 shots VGA (standard) at 0.7 frame/sec. Perfect for high speed subjects or fast moving action such as sports or small children.
• Multi-Burst Mode
Captures 16 320 x 240 frames as part of a single 1280 x 960 image which plays back sequentially in the camera. Selectable 1/7.5, 1/15, 1/30 second.
• MPEG Movie VX Standard/Fine Mode with Audio
Captures VGA (640 x 480) high frame rate (up to 30 frames per second) audio/video clips with length limited only by the capacity of the media. Video mail mode captures smaller file sizes suitable for email.
• Conversion Lens Compatible
You can add tele-photo or wide-angle conversion lenses for greater magnification or wider field of view, as well as protective and special effect filters.
• PictBridge™ Compatibility
Connect to any PictBridge™ compatible printer with the supplied USB cable and print directly from the camera. Images can be viewed and selected for printing right on the camera’s LCD, with menus for print quantity, date and index print.


Specifications
• Imaging Device: 1/2.5" 5.1 Megapixel Super HAD™ CCD
• Recording Media: 32MB internal flash memory1, Memory Stick® Media, Memory
• Stick PRO™ Media
• Lens Construction: 11 Elements in 9 Groups. Includes 1 ED Glass Element and 1 Aspheric Element)
• Zoom: 12X Optical Zoom
• Smart Zoom® Feature: 0 – 48.0X (at VGA Resolution)
• Digital Zoom: Precision, 0 – 2.0X Range, 24X Total
• Filter Diameter: 58mm (with adapter ring)
• Focal Length: 6 - 72mm
• Aperture: f2.8 - f3.7
• 35mm Equivalent: 36 - 432mm
• Auto Focus:3 Area Multi-Point AF, Center AF, 3-Step Manual
• Macro Mode: 3/4" (2 cm)
• Shutter Speed: 1/8 – 1/2000 sec. (Auto), 2 – 1/2000 sec (Program Auto), 30 – 1/1000 sec (Manual)
• Exposure Compensation: +/- 2.0 EV, 1/3 EV Steps
• Color LCD: 2.5" 115K Pixel TFT LCD Screen2
• Flash Modes: Auto/Forced On/Forced Off/Slow Synchro
• Red-Eye Reduction: On/Off
• White Balance: Auto, Daylight, Cloudy, Fluorescent, Incandescent, Flash and One Push
• Burst Mode: 9 Shot 5MP (JPEG fine), 100 Shot VGA (JPEG std.), 0.7fps
• Picture Effects: Sepia, Black & White
• ISO: Auto, 64, 100, 200, 400
• Scene Modes: Twilight, Twilight Portrait, Portrait, Landscape, Beach, High-speed shutter, Candle
• Self-Timer: Yes, 10 Seconds
• Audio/Video Output: Yes, NTSC/PAL Selectable
• Still Image Modes: Normal (JPEG Fine/Standard), Burst, Multi-Burst, Auto Bracketing
• MPEG Movie Modes: MPEG VX Fine with Audio (640 x 480 at 30fps), (MPEG VX Fine requires Memory Stick PRO™ media) MPEG VX Standard with Audio (640 x 480 at 16fps), Video Mail (160 x 112 at 8fps) with Audio
• Microphone /Speaker: Yes / Yes
• USB Terminal: Yes, Supports USB 2.03
• Memory Stick PRO™ Media Compatibility: Tested to support up to 2GB media capacity4; does not support Access Control security function
• Compatible Battery: "AA" NiMH or "AA" Alkaline
• Supplied Software: Picture Package™ for Sony v1.6 (Windows), Pixela™ ImageMixer VCD2 (Macintosh), USB Driver, Cyber-shot Life tutorial (Windows)
• OS Compatibility: Microsoft®Windows®98/98SE/Me/ 2000/XP Home/XP Pro; Macintosh®OS 9.1/9.2/OS X (10.0 - 10.3)
• Supplied Accessories:NH-AA-DA Rechargeable AA Batteries, BC-CS2 Battery Charger and Cord, A/V and USB Cables, Shoulder Strap, Lens Cap, Lens Cap Strap, Lens Adapter Ring, Lens Hood and Software CD-ROM
• Dimensions (W x H x D): 4 1/4" x 3 1/4" x 3 19/32" (107.8 x 18.4 x 91.2mm)
• Weight: 1 lb., 5 oz. (591g) with Battery, Media and Neck Strap

Western Week

This week to coincide with Cowboy Poetry, the school has been sponsoring Western Week. It's a time when the kids where their cute little cowboy boots and hats to school. At least we'll get some wear out of those $50 Durango pink boots we bought in Vegas! We missed it Monday....I totally forgot and sent her to school in her Raider's jersey and jeans. But I remembered yesterday and as we headed out to school, we stopped down near the end of the road where there are some beautiful horses. I didn't mean for her to get close to them - ya know, in case they weren't nice. But I got some wonderful pictures of her with the horses. She petted them and they nuzzled her neck. Once she got near the fence, they just flocked over to her for some attention. They are amazing creatures. Take a look for yourself. I'll also be posting LOTS of new pix on Flickr too.

I think today after school we may stop and feed the ducks, we'll see. It all depends on what the weather is like.