So Far, So Good

Yesterday I met with my oncologist to get the results from my 6 month follow-up chest, abdomen, & pelvic CT scan that I had done on Tuesday. Ordinarily I would have had a PET scan done, but my PPO turned it down cause there was no evidence of recurrence - which I find pretty fucked up, since the test is what's used to detect and determine recurrence. Besides, I would think that since I have already had a recurrence, that that in itself would justify the need for the scan. So they denied the test, and instead I had the CT scans done.
I wasn't really sure what I was in for as I've never had an abdomen CT scan done before. I've had enough chest CT scans done before to know all about the nuclear contrast. But with an abdomen scan you have to drink this very disgusting crap called barium. It's like drinking cold Milk of Magnesia. It's basically a near-flavorless, creamy, chalky liquid. It's bad enough they make you fast for these tests, but then to make you drink 12 ounces of this goo is damn near torturous. Making matters worse was the fact that a transformer near the hospital blew, causing the power to go out. Luckily the CT machine was running off a generator, cause man would I have been pissed off if I fasted and drank this crap all to have to do it another day when the power was back. But since the power went out, the hospital was all backed up. I was there for over 2 hours.
Normally I don't handle these types of test all that well. Any time I have to get an IV, I damn near freak out. My veins are in such bad shape, it makes it very difficult to find one and get it working right. Usually it takes multiple attempts, and the more they stick me the more I freak out. So usually taking these tests require a Zanax, which means I get stupid, which means it would be best if Ruben were to take me. But he was out of town this week. He's been traveling a lot for work the last few weeks. I didn't want to put the test off, cause the anxiety of waiting and worrying is just as bad as the whole IV thing. So I braved it alone this time, and I survived. Was it a better experience than past attempts? A bit, but it still wasn't very pleasant. I was fortunate enough to get a good nurse who really took her time finding a spot before attempting to stick me.
Ok, so my test results came back with no evidence of any distant or metastatic disease. The only thing that showed up were some cysts on my liver, which my doctor says is of no consequence. I asked him if he was absolutely sure, given the fact that my mother died from end-stage liver cirrhosis. He assured me that as of now the cysts are completely harmless. Besides, he'll see if there are any changes when I have my follow-up scans done in 6 months. Then he ordered some blood tests and sent me on my way.
It's a HUGE relief to verify that I am still cancer free. I'm trying to think how long exactly I've been cancer free. My recurrence was found in February 2008. I had surgery done in March to remove some of the chest wall area where the tumor was found. In April, I had had a PET scan done to determine if there was any metastatic disease present - which came back clear. My follow-up PET scan done at the end of December also came back clear. So technically speaking, I've been cancer free for just over a year now. But in terms of remission when it comes to oncology, I'm not really sure cause I didn't finish radiation until August, and I didn't start on Tamoxifen till January 2009. A year sounds so much better than just 6 months, but I'm pretty sure it comes down to the 5 years on Tamoxifen. In any case I'll just be happy to make it past 3 years without another recurrence!

Oh, I also want to share a link I found with y'all. The site is called F My Life, and some of the stories shared there are just so freaken hilarious. You have to go check it out. I promise you that you'll be LOL and ROFL. So enjoy! The link is above as well as in the sidebar.

Unexpected Problems

I just got a call from Dr. L, there has been a slight problem and my starting of radiation this week is being delayed. Last week I was there getting my specialized CAT scan, getting inked and ready for radiation. But now he is saying that they compared that scan (that was done without any IV contrast or anything) to the scan I had done prior to surgery (that included IV contrast) - and changes appeared on one scan that wasn't on the other, so now I have to go back in and have another scan done with IV contrast to find out what is going on. I asked him what he meant by "changes". He said it appears to be a lymph node. I asked, well don't I normally have lymph nodes in my chest area. He agreed, but said he's concerned why it was on one, but not the other, stating that it could just be a sign of infection. Just prior to my first scan, I had been on some antibiotics to help clear up the acne on my face.
This past week my mind has run rapid - I've been sitting here thinking that if this cancer really has been festering over the last 3 years, how are they so sure it hasn't spread through-out my body. And now I worry that this lymph node, may be my worst dream coming true. Then again it could be absolutely nothing. Maybe it's because over the last several days I've become increasingly more stressed out and my face is starting to show it, so I called in my refill on those antibiotics so they can get to clearing up my face before it gets any worse. Many things have just been compounding, and my child getting slapped by a neighborhood boy certainly didn't help matters any - nor does my constant phone problems or the fact that tomorrow would've been my mom's 62nd birthday, and the 2nd anniversary of her death is quickly nearing. It's these things, along with many more that have me so stressed out and feeling so lost and lonely right now. I once again feel like I am in a very dark place right now, sometimes getting so upset that I can barely breathe before tears finally break. I miss all my friends, and can't wait for time to pass and for things to be normal once more.
Also this whole lymph node possibility has me concerned for more than just a possible infection. Aside from the possibility of the disease spreading is the fact that my mom battled on-going issues with her lymph nodes. Her doctors once thought she had Lymphoma which is a type of cancer. They were always checking hers as they went from large to extra-large in size. In the end nothing was ever found to support the idea, but the following year she turned around and passed away from end stage liver cirrhosis.
If you're not familiar with lymph nodes and the lymph system, know that they are there to help your body transport nutrients and collect waste - and that they often do swell when diseases are present or are fighting an infection. So really it's very hard to tell what is causing this and if any of it really means anything. Yet at the same time knowing this doesn't help to keep you from stressing about it and wondering if a node biopsy will be needed.
All I can do is wait and see. I will keep you posted.