Happy Thanksgiving!

Tonight I am coming at ya from the kitchen as I get a head start on all the cooking for tomorrow. So far I've put together the ambrosia salad, the spiral sliced glazed ham is done , the turkey giblets are on the stove simmering slowly in a pot, and the turkey is sitting in a brine soak in the fridge outside. Hell I've even managed to do all the dishes thus far! I'd say that I'm sitting pretty damn good for tomorrow. It's not like anyone is coming to dinner - all of our single friends have other plans, as well as all our married friends. After all, Thanksgiving is a time for family, food and fun. This particular holiday holds much meaning for me, and has brought to light many unresolved feelings about my Mom's death.

In preparation for Thanksgiving, I have realized that deep down I feel like a lost soul without my Mom. Even at 33, not only do I feel incomplete without her, but I also feel very incompetent because I had no idea how to do much of the cooking to carry out this family tradition I am so used to. Since her passing many times I have felt much like an orphan. Shortly after her death, my step-father held a memorial, sent my Mom out for cremation, tied up all his loose ends in town, and quickly returned to their home in Mexico. He didn't even take her remains with him. Instead they were given mostly to my brother. His behavior surrounding her death, and quick exit left me wondering. Over the last year my suspicions have pretty much been confirmed - I am the ugly red-headed step child. The same can be said for my siblings. Except for the occasional phone call, which we receive about quarterly, it's as if we no longer exist in his carefree retirement days, that resemble that of a college frat boy with all the smoking, drinking, and going out. It sometimes makes me wonder if in the last years he really did love my Mom, or if he's happy that he's free of her. I also wonder if when I'm 55 or 60 if I will feel the same about my husband? Or maybe it's just a result from the injury he suffered several years when he fell 2o feet and landed mostly on his head. Or it could be as Jennifer Aniston once said - he, like Brad Pitt may be missing a "sensitivity chip". It's just that after nearly 17 years of marriage, I don't understand his lack of grief or family values. You're probably wondering why I bring all this up and what the two have to do with anything, but I think it's a culmination of all these things that have left me feeling so empty and lost. And in feeling this way I've lately found myself feeling depressed , detached, unmotivated and uninterested. I love my husband and daughter dearly, but my heart aches. Sometimes I often think that I have no "home" to go to. I have my sister in Hawaii, but I have no mother and no father. Adding to all this, I have little memory of extended family beyond that of my siblings - so not only do I feel like a lost soul, but I feel like I don't know who I am or where I'm from, which only adds to the "lost" sensation. As I've been feeling this way for several weeks, I've refrained from Blogging due to lack of motivation and interest. I've been trying to sort through all of this, and resolve what I can cause I am tired, sick and tired of feeling this way - and that's just it. I FEEL sick and tired! This blog was supposed to be a journey through survival, yet it doesn't feel like I am surviving anything. I know this is all a little too deep for Thanksgiving, but so much of this has been MY food for thought. So for the next day all I am going to try to concentrate on is what I feel thankful for - Ruben says I should feel thankful for being alive, and I do, so hopefully I can find my way out of the deep end of this pool. I'd chalk it all up to holiday blues - but I think it's more than that.

I'll try to post Friday what I'm feeling thankful for this year. What makes you thankful this holiday?